WHAT TO DO WHEN MINE GETS C’S AND YOURS GET A’S
It’s half way through the first semester, and problems are already surfacing over school performance differences in her children vs. his child.
Her two daughters are excellent students - always have been. They’re active in sports, get almost straight A’s and even have time left to text message or chat on their cells. Yeah, they’re high achievers - PERFECT kids!
His son is far from perfect in school. He hates school and is lucky to make C’s. He rarely takes time to do his homework. He’s very popular and has tons of friends. People like him, but school is not his thing.
The weeks when the son visits his Dad, stepmom, and stepsisters, there’s tension. The standards for school performance are high in that house. There’s constant arguing between the stepcouple. The stepmom, angry and impatient, begs her husband to “Do something! Just go into his room and make him do his homework. I don’t understand what’s so hard about that. He’s just lazy.”
Dad says “I don’t think homework is all that important. I think there are more important things in life. I never did homework as a boy and look how successful I am.” They throw barbs back and forth about “her perfect kids” vs “his social kid” who likes to play and hates homework.” And so it goes.
Both are angry and frustrated, and the kids are feeling the pressure.
The truth is, it’s unreasonable to put kids - biological and stepchildren- all in one basket and raise them exactly the same. They’re not the same. These children have different genes and temperaments and different upbringings. And the parents who raised them have different values and styles about child rearing, including schoolwork.
Stepcouples need to approach it differently - raise the level of communication and understanding. As a stepcouple, they should develop a process of learning more about each other and more about each other’s kids. It’s not about forcing a partner to just do it your way but rather about talking and listening to each other about their kids’ different strengths and weaknesses.
Stepcouples: Have a conversation about how schoolwork was dealt with in the family you grew up in. Was school a place where you excelled or did you hate school? Did you have supportive parents to help you? Did you live in a family where homework and grades were highly valued, or were other things more important - like sports, music, or working outside the house. Also share your stories of how children were raised in your previous family. How was school handled there? And finally talk honestly about individual kid’s needs and how you can support them. Some kids need to be dragged out of the library and introduced into group activities; others need to be dragged into a quiet place away from friends, cell phones, and distractions. Certainly if there are problems with learning disabilities, ADHD, or other barriers to school success, you need to address them with the school.
The point is to get to the place where the stepcouple unites to understand and support the individual children in their stepfamily. Delete unrealistic expectations that don’t fit a child’s needs or capabilities and encourage new expectations that the child can fulfill successfully. Then praise him BIG TIME.
Are your expectations about each others kids reasonable and realistic?
Susan Wisdom LPC
October 2007