I’ve been following the recent news story about the 12 year old boy whose divorced parents are vigorously fighting over whether or not he will be circumcised. Dad, says yes: Mom says no. They’re relying on attorneys and the courts to decide.

What a sad state of affairs! How would you like to be that boy? - tossed back and forth between his biological parents fighting over a life decision this powerful and incredibly sensitive. The worst is he can’t possibly decide for himself and feel good about it, because his parents won’t let him.

Years ago I worked in a residential treatment center for emotionally and behaviorally disturbed children. Before my very eyes, I witnessed vulnerable children being torn in half by their angry parents. I saw beautiful, smart, happy children emotionally deteriorate because of the pressure of being caught in the middle of their parents’ fights. It broke my heart to see kids in horrible no-win situations over which they had no control.

This recent story once again pushed my buttons. It’s a perfect example of what I always tell divorced biological parents, “Don’t put your helpless, defenseless children in the middle of your ongoing battles! The more intense your divorce conflicts are, the more you jeopardize your children developmentally and socially.” These children are at high risk for depression, anger and anxiety in their lives as a result.

The paradox is that while these parents love their children and want the best for them, they would better demonstrate their love by burying the hatchet over the failed marriage and cooperate in coparenting their kids. That’s what kids need and want!!

So the next time you want to rail on your ex, think about the effect on the children.

Is it worth it?

Susan Wisdom LPC
January 2008

TRADITIONAL COUPLING:

“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” the expression goes.

Simple: Learn how to cook.

STEPCOUPLING:

“The way to their hearts is through the children”.

Not so simple: Learn how to build positive and genuine relationships with the stepchildren.

It takes emotional maturity and a deep commitment to pull this off. It can’t be fake or phony. Both adults should ask serious questions of each other and share concerns as early as possible. If there’s enough maturity, love and support in the relationship to care for and care about each other’s children, prognosis is good for healthy stepcoupling.

What’s your prognosis?

Susan Wisdom LPC
January 2008

Finally the holidays are over. Every year I breathe a sigh of relief. I stay in my bathrobe, bail out the house, and eat leftovers . . . alone.

Some holidays have been better than others. In the early years being Super Mom and Stepmom, I tended to take responsibility for EVERYTHING that went wrong. I was always monitoring and soothing hurt feelings and mediating fights. Yea, it was hard work, and always more stressful during the holidays.

A few holiday memories still stand out for me – some joyful, some humorous and some painful.

Can you relate?

• I remember (sadly) the fight with my stepdaughter who wanted to help me make a special meringue dessert. I yelled at her and shooed her away from my workspace because I wanted the perfect dessert to impress my friends.
• I remember when my husband, with a fever of over 102, assembled a complete wooden play kitchen.
• I remember the joy when our 5 children came downstairs to see what Santa had brought.
• I remember the disappointment when my son didn’t get what he wanted and “everyone else did”. He sulked all day.
• I remember when the dog ate all the cookies we’d baked and decorated the night before.
• I remember all the phone calls Christmas Day from absent biological parents and extended family.
• I remember my stepdaughter thanking me for her wonderful Christmas.

I learned a lot about myself and my stepfamily from holiday experiences. I learned to lighten up and not take it so seriously. I learned to cherish the positive memories.

My husband and I would take inventory after the new year. We’d talk about how we were doing and what relationships we wanted to improve. Each holiday season got easier as our stepfamily stabilized.

P.S. On the blog, we’ll be talking this year about creating new and improved relationships in your stepfamily. Stay tuned…

Happy New Year to all you stepcouples and stepfamilies out there!

Susan Wisdom LPC
January 2008