Cinderella, fatherless child, was raised by an angry widowed stepmother with two overly indulged daughters of her own. Cinderella was cast aside as a servant girl who could do no right. Who knew or cared anything about her situation? No one. It’s just the way it was then. Suck it up!

When I married into a stepfamily with five children years ago, I sort of had to suck it up too. There was one book on the subject of stepfamilies by Emily and John Visher, founders of the stepfamily movement as we know it today. The Vishers were in a stepfamily, and they knew the challenges. They were the first to address the elephant and bring the subject out of the closet. We’ve come a long way since then!

What I remember as a young mom and stepmom, was how LONELY I was. Everyone around me had “normal” families. Everyone naturally loved their own children, who called them, “Mom and Dad”. My family was different.

I couldn’t go to my friends and explain how frustrated I was with my stepchildren. They didn’t understand. They COULDN’T understand because it’s so different from their experiences in nuclear families. Those of us in stepfamilies had to “pretend” that our family was just a regular family.

Today it’s different. The research says that one in three people in America have, are, or will experience being in a stepfamily sometime in their lives. We are no longer in denial and avoidance. There are many good books on stepcoupling, stepparenting, stepchildren, blended families, etc. My book, Stepcoupling, is now out in eBook for easy reading - Click here for details. In some communities, there are even support groups and stepfamily classes. It’s a grassroots movement.

Just think… if Cinderella’s stepmother had been better informed, Cinderella wouldn’t have had to sneak out of the house to meet her Prince Charming. The young girl would have been included in the family carriage and driven to the ball properly. OK, so maybe she wouldn’t have met PC, but she would have been a happier young girl growing up.

How are you educating yourself and supporting other stepcouples and stepfamilies?

Have you thought of starting a small support group?

Susan Wisdom LPC

March 2008

Every time they planned an outing, all the kids would get excited except one, his daughter Kelly. She never wanted any part. Every time they did household chores as a family, she refused to participate. All the kids loved it when Jane (the new stepmom) cooked their favorites, except Kelly. Jane was miserable. Kelly was winning, and Jane was losing… she felt powerless. This was not what Jane signed up for!

Or was it? What did Jane sign up for? Did she sign up to be loved, respected, and adored by his children? NO!

She signed up to marry her husband because she fell in love with HIM – not his kids. Of course, included in the package were his and her kids. Intellectually, she understood that but had no idea what it really meant. Kelly was the one who taught her.

Kelly pushed Jane’s buttons! She challenged her. She acted out her feelings to the point where Jane either had to grow up and be the adult–or leave. What Kelly was screaming out for was an adult who would support her, care for her, and hold her accountable…and, most importantly, STAY.

Kelly’s biological mother lived far away, and she missed her. Jane’s presence didn’t fill the void and only made Kelly miss her mom more. Luckily, Kelly had her daddy, as well as her siblings and stepsiblings who she loved.

Over time, Jane was able to empathize and understand her stepdaughter’s grief. She was able to get on her level and witness her anger and tears. Slowly, Kelly got used to having her stepmom around, and they became friends.

In Jane’s own words: “The funny part is that while Kelly was my biggest challenge, she also gave me three big gifts.

1. She pushed me to grow up and act like the adult rather than the powerless stepmom who wasn’t getting her way.

2. She needed me, and as I calmed down enough to understand that, we began to bond.

3. She forced my husband and me to communicate our feelings as a stepcouple. She brought us closer together.

Thank God for Kelly.

Who and what are the Kellys in your stepfamily?

Susan Wisdom LPC
March 2008