Comments on: WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/ Susan Wisdom writes about the challenges and joys of Step Parenting. Thu, 15 Jul 2010 05:41:57 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.6 hourly 1 By: What to Do When the BioMom Declares War « In the Blender http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-490 What to Do When the BioMom Declares War « In the Blender Thu, 27 May 2010 19:44:03 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-490 [...] read a post by Susan Wisdom called “Why Do You Care About the Ex?” which addresses the reasons why some StepMoms focus on the BioMom.  One sentence really resonated [...] [...] read a post by Susan Wisdom called “Why Do You Care About the Ex?” which addresses the reasons why some StepMoms focus on the BioMom.  One sentence really resonated [...]

]]> By: Susan Wisdom http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-467 Susan Wisdom Wed, 12 May 2010 15:16:32 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-467 So the answer to the question, "Why do you Care About the Ex" is "because HE still cares about her." That's the piece that doesn't feel good. I don't blame you. Thanks Joy for clarifying this, Joy. So the answer to the question, “Why do you Care About the Ex” is “because HE still cares about her.” That’s the piece that doesn’t feel good. I don’t blame you.
Thanks Joy for clarifying this, Joy.

]]> By: Joy101378 http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-466 Joy101378 Wed, 12 May 2010 15:05:17 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-466 Oh I agree with your advice - I think the point I was trying to make is that putting all the blame for "caring about the ex" on teh current spouse is not always fair or a good reflection on reality. I think a good number of women who have problems with the ex have those problems due in large part to their husbands. So I just wanted to point that out. When you ask the question, "why do you care about the ex?" there are many, many answers, and not all of them within our control. Oh I agree with your advice – I think the point I was trying to make is that putting all the blame for “caring about the ex” on teh current spouse is not always fair or a good reflection on reality. I think a good number of women who have problems with the ex have those problems due in large part to their husbands. So I just wanted to point that out. When you ask the question, “why do you care about the ex?” there are many, many answers, and not all of them within our control.

]]> By: Susan Wisdom http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-465 Susan Wisdom Tue, 11 May 2010 19:55:10 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-465 That changes the situation, doesn't it? Then it becomes an issue between you and your husband. If he talks with his ex before getting your feelings, opinions, thoughts etc, she's in the loop ...and you're not. Maybe he thinks he's doing the right thing. If so, can you talk with him about discussing stuff with YOU first and HER SECOND. Tell him, "I don't want to resent HER, but please talk with me first. That way I don't have to resent her ...or you either. See if that works. Good luck That changes the situation, doesn’t it? Then it becomes an issue between you and your husband. If he talks with his ex before getting your feelings, opinions, thoughts etc, she’s in the loop …and you’re not. Maybe he thinks he’s doing the right thing. If so, can you talk with him about discussing stuff with YOU first and HER SECOND. Tell him, “I don’t want to resent HER, but please talk with me first. That way I don’t have to resent her …or you either. See if that works. Good luck

]]> By: Joy101378 http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-464 Joy101378 Tue, 11 May 2010 19:31:08 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-464 I think that putting the focus on our own marriages is a great idea...the one thing I would say in rebuttal is that it is often the husband who brings the ex-wife into the current relationship. I can breathe deeply, choose to not care about her, and decide that she has no impact on my life...but if my HUSBAND doesn't do the same thing, then it's futile. If my husband puts her wants and needs before mine, if my husband consults her on things before he consults me, if my husband makes decisions with her that affect MY time and I am not consulted...then THAT'S why I care about the ex. I think that putting the focus on our own marriages is a great idea…the one thing I would say in rebuttal is that it is often the husband who brings the ex-wife into the current relationship. I can breathe deeply, choose to not care about her, and decide that she has no impact on my life…but if my HUSBAND doesn’t do the same thing, then it’s futile. If my husband puts her wants and needs before mine, if my husband consults her on things before he consults me, if my husband makes decisions with her that affect MY time and I am not consulted…then THAT’S why I care about the ex.

]]> By: Kris http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-359 Kris Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:40:27 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-359 Thanks everyone for the comments and fresh perspectives. I'm new to the world of stepmom blogs and wish that I had discovered this sooner in my relationship. My BFs ex-wife has been a dysfunctional distraction for almost the entire year that my stepdaughter has lived with us. Between lawsuits, alienation, disturbing phone calls, requests for money, etc. the stress has been overwhelming. My relationship has suffered tremendously, to the point that we are taking a break, but working on dating and trying to mend our relationship. I will continue to follow the blogs and read as much as I can because it's making a huge difference in my personal path to clarity. Thanks everyone for the comments and fresh perspectives. I’m new to the world of stepmom blogs and wish that I had discovered this sooner in my relationship. My BFs ex-wife has been a dysfunctional distraction for almost the entire year that my stepdaughter has lived with us. Between lawsuits, alienation, disturbing phone calls, requests for money, etc. the stress has been overwhelming. My relationship has suffered tremendously, to the point that we are taking a break, but working on dating and trying to mend our relationship. I will continue to follow the blogs and read as much as I can because it’s making a huge difference in my personal path to clarity.

]]> By: Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification | Stepcoupling http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-321 Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification | Stepcoupling Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:15:00 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-321 [...] « WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? [...] [...] « WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? [...]

]]> By: Samara http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-309 Samara Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:09:15 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-309 Love this and agree, let's stick to our own marriage. To some point the ex is inherently part of ones life when it comes to the children/issues like that, but it's easy to obsess on this. Thanks for your perspective. And neat site, I came via Wednesday Martin! I wrote some of my own thoughts on where I'm at in OUR situation this past week on my site, would love your feedback. Love this and agree, let’s stick to our own marriage. To some point the ex is inherently part of ones life when it comes to the children/issues like that, but it’s easy to obsess on this. Thanks for your perspective. And neat site, I came via Wednesday Martin! I wrote some of my own thoughts on where I’m at in OUR situation this past week on my site, would love your feedback.

]]> By: Kim http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-307 Kim Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:04:00 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-307 Thanks to everyone for their balanced perspective on this. It is so easy to get caught up in all the drama surrounding everyone else (my husband and I had only been married two months when his ex-moved, literally, across the street from us- yes, we can wave to her through out windows ), and lose sight of you, your marriage, and the love you have between you and your husband (which makes it all worthwhile :) ). Thanks to everyone for their balanced perspective on this. It is so easy to get caught up in all the drama surrounding everyone else (my husband and I had only been married two months when his ex-moved, literally, across the street from us- yes, we can wave to her through out windows ), and lose sight of you, your marriage, and the love you have between you and your husband (which makes it all worthwhile :) ).

]]> By: Peggy http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/01/why-do-you-care-about-the-ex/comment-page-1/#comment-306 Peggy Thu, 04 Feb 2010 15:53:09 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=483#comment-306 Hi Susan! Great article - and I can't emphasize enough that the marriage relationship must come first. My husband and I are our own base camp - support, unity, mutual trust, friendship, and love - we make daily deposits into our marriage relationship. Daily. Through actions, words, and displays of affection, we've created a bubble around our marriage. No one can become a wedge between us - not his kids, not my kids, not his ex-wife. And speaking of the ex-wife, I kicked her out of my head a long time ago. We have a good working relationship, but she has been known to take a dive in the deep end head first every once in a while (last week was one of those times) - which means, Hubs and I wrap an extra layer of insulation around our marriage bubble :-) Peggy Hi Susan!

Great article – and I can’t emphasize enough that the marriage relationship must come first. My husband and I are our own base camp – support, unity, mutual trust, friendship, and love – we make daily deposits into our marriage relationship. Daily. Through actions, words, and displays of affection, we’ve created a bubble around our marriage. No one can become a wedge between us – not his kids, not my kids, not his ex-wife. And speaking of the ex-wife, I kicked her out of my head a long time ago. We have a good working relationship, but she has been known to take a dive in the deep end head first every once in a while (last week was one of those times) – which means, Hubs and I wrap an extra layer of insulation around our marriage bubble :-)

Peggy

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