Comments on: WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX?

By: Annie

Annie — Thu, 12 May 2011 02:44:32 +0000

I agree with Joy in Reply 16. For the first 2 years of our relationship, I turned my head the other direction. And she is the psycho type…breaking into our home, cutting up my things, texting and calling my husband constantly, telling her sons lies about me when she doesn’t even know me, stopping by our home unexpected on holidays, etc. But when you don’t feel supported by your husband, and you have talked to him over and over about how you feel, it does put a whole new spin on things. After awhile, you do start caring about the ex. Every little thing starts to grate on your nerves and you begin to resent everything. Some days I question if the misery it puts me through is even worth it. It is ever present.

By: What to Do When the BioMom Declares War « In the Blender

What to Do When the BioMom Declares War « In the Blender — Thu, 27 May 2010 19:44:03 +0000

[...] read a post by Susan Wisdom called “Why Do You Care About the Ex?” which addresses the reasons why some StepMoms focus on the BioMom. One sentence really resonated [...]

By: Susan Wisdom

Susan Wisdom — Wed, 12 May 2010 15:16:32 +0000

So the answer to the question, “Why do you Care About the Ex” is “because HE still cares about her.” That’s the piece that doesn’t feel good. I don’t blame you.
Thanks Joy for clarifying this, Joy.

By: Joy101378

Joy101378 — Wed, 12 May 2010 15:05:17 +0000

Oh I agree with your advice – I think the point I was trying to make is that putting all the blame for “caring about the ex” on teh current spouse is not always fair or a good reflection on reality. I think a good number of women who have problems with the ex have those problems due in large part to their husbands. So I just wanted to point that out. When you ask the question, “why do you care about the ex?” there are many, many answers, and not all of them within our control.

By: Susan Wisdom

Susan Wisdom — Tue, 11 May 2010 19:55:10 +0000

That changes the situation, doesn’t it? Then it becomes an issue between you and your husband. If he talks with his ex before getting your feelings, opinions, thoughts etc, she’s in the loop …and you’re not. Maybe he thinks he’s doing the right thing. If so, can you talk with him about discussing stuff with YOU first and HER SECOND. Tell him, “I don’t want to resent HER, but please talk with me first. That way I don’t have to resent her …or you either. See if that works. Good luck

By: Joy101378

Joy101378 — Tue, 11 May 2010 19:31:08 +0000

I think that putting the focus on our own marriages is a great idea…the one thing I would say in rebuttal is that it is often the husband who brings the ex-wife into the current relationship. I can breathe deeply, choose to not care about her, and decide that she has no impact on my life…but if my HUSBAND doesn’t do the same thing, then it’s futile. If my husband puts her wants and needs before mine, if my husband consults her on things before he consults me, if my husband makes decisions with her that affect MY time and I am not consulted…then THAT’S why I care about the ex.

By: Kris

Kris — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:40:27 +0000

Thanks everyone for the comments and fresh perspectives. I’m new to the world of stepmom blogs and wish that I had discovered this sooner in my relationship. My BFs ex-wife has been a dysfunctional distraction for almost the entire year that my stepdaughter has lived with us. Between lawsuits, alienation, disturbing phone calls, requests for money, etc. the stress has been overwhelming. My relationship has suffered tremendously, to the point that we are taking a break, but working on dating and trying to mend our relationship. I will continue to follow the blogs and read as much as I can because it’s making a huge difference in my personal path to clarity.

By: Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification | Stepcoupling

Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification | Stepcoupling — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:15:00 +0000

[...] « WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? [...]

By: Samara

Samara — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 19:09:15 +0000

Love this and agree, let’s stick to our own marriage. To some point the ex is inherently part of ones life when it comes to the children/issues like that, but it’s easy to obsess on this. Thanks for your perspective. And neat site, I came via Wednesday Martin! I wrote some of my own thoughts on where I’m at in OUR situation this past week on my site, would love your feedback.

By: Kim

Kim — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:04:00 +0000

Thanks to everyone for their balanced perspective on this. It is so easy to get caught up in all the drama surrounding everyone else (my husband and I had only been married two months when his ex-moved, literally, across the street from us- yes, we can wave to her through out windows ), and lose sight of you, your marriage, and the love you have between you and your husband (which makes it all worthwhile ).