Our most recent argument was about this very thing. He usually is only away for 3 weeks at a time, but this time has been away since the 1st of January, we did manage to see each other for a week during this 3 month period of his absence, but it was a very long haul for both of us. When he finally arrived home (after driving for 40 hours straight) in the early hours of the morning, we had very little time before he had to run and see his mother and his children began arriving for the holiday weekend (all 4). The first evening he and his eldest son decided to have a hot tub, I opted out as I was exhausted from the long night, awaiting his arrival home. I figured we’d have ours together the next night, as we had planned to on his arrival, but was too late by the time he actually got home. By the next evening all 4 of his children were here, and when the subject came up, even his 7 year old daughter said…how about we go in the hot tub with the boys and then you two can have some alone time. She even gets it! But he was adamant that he wanted to go with the kids. I was disappointed, but I would survive. When he later asked me about it and why I was so quiet, I told him that I had been looking forward to that time together and was just a little disappointed. His reaction is always so extreme and volatile, he tells me I’m ridiculous (as well as other choice phrases) and that I am jealous of his kids, and he cant see why I don’t understand that he hasn’t seen his kids for 3 months and want time with them and that I will have time with him when they leave. Although I respond and tell him I do understand, I find it hurtful when he belittles or dismisses my wants and feelings whenever his children are here. He is always extremely defensive with me regarding his children, and I really am beginning to resent all the things I do with and for them while he is away. I put his older daughter in dance and take her to all her classes, and will be taking the younger daughter to ball when her mother is busy, on top of having them every other weekend.

No matter how many times I try to explain that my disappointment and hurt and anger ended up being about how he dismisses me and my feelings, he insists that I am impossible and that I created a huge argument because he wanted to have a hot tub with his children. I end up feeling just like he says, ridiculous and petty and jealous…when I know I am not…that issue became his treatment of me and not what he insists it is. This is a constant repeated scenario with him and I am at the end of my rope. There is no reasoning with him ever, with respect to his children in general either, as far as bed times, behaviour and discipline etc. I have been told that it is not my place to discipline, but I feel when he doesn’t correct them on certain things, then I need to, to keep some level of comfort for myself and my expectations of how our home is run. I also have them when he isn’t here, so am I to just let them do what they want with no discipline then? It is such a tremendously touchy area for us, that I dread when I know his children are coming. Our argument was so extreme this time (and has been before as well) that I left our home and went to stay the night with a girlfriend, so that I didn’t have to listen to him mutter under his breath at me or outright belittle my feelings, or if the children were present, ignore me totally. This made him so angry that he told me he was going to his mothers for Easter, because he wasn’t going to let me ruin their holiday. There would have been NO easter if I had not done the easter bunny shopping, and meal planning and birthday cake planning (for his son who was also having a birthday). When I returned home I stayed out of their way and in our room or in my office, except for when they were away at his mothers. Then, I noticed that he sent the younger girls off with their older brothers for a few hours. What happened to not giving up his time with them? Wow, now if he weren’t totally ignoring me and I wasn’t feeling as if I had to stay out of their way, so as not to ruin their Easter, we could be spending that time together. But no, he is angry, so he finds something else to do and leaves shortly after the kids left. I have two grown daughters as well as 3 (almost 4) year old twin grandsons, and had been an “empty nester” for several years when we met, and going from that lifestyle, to dealing with young children again, was somewhat of an adjustment, but I feel that I am doing my best to embrace that and be a good step-mother and I feel as though my heart is crushed every time he reacts this way. I don’t need pats of the back for what I do for his children, but I do feel less than “unimportant”, when he becomes this angry and defensive with me. I believe we can and should have time together whether they are here or not. But he sees this as selfish of me. It is almost beginning to sicken me at how adamant he is about his time with his children and NOT giving me any time with him when I ask.