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Why Do You Care About The Ex: A Clarification

I want to clarify a few things in my last blog “WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? I understand that many stepmoms are in horrible situations with hostile, invasive, and vindictive ex-spouses, who are trying to ruin their marriages and any relationship they have with the step-kids. It’s impossible to NOT BE OBSESSED with that ex and the painful situation they’re in with her.

I’ve heard terrible stories, and it always upsets me tremendously. These step-moms can only hope for strength, coping skills and time passage to get through it and survive… and sometimes that’s not possible. They can also hope that the love and support from the stepcouple relationship will provide the strength they need.

There’s a huge continuum ranging from the EVIL ex to the perfectly DECENT ex-spouse.

The ex I was referring to in my article is the less invasive one who’s still in the picture because she is the biological mother and co-parent to the kids. They can be okay women but still resented by the step-moms. This resentment is natural as the kids act like, look like and always side with their Mom. I suggest that rather than obsessing over and competing with the mother, they should step aside and surreptitiously build new fresh relationships with the step-kids as they establish themselves as STEP-MOM …a different person in a different role.

I believe there’s plenty of room for healthy parenting and stepparenting in today’s stepfamilies. I believe it takes a “village” in the form of healthy stepfamilies to raise kids today. And I believe “no one has to be the bitch!”

Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
February 2010

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