Comments on: Shuttling Kids Between Homes – Who Benefits? http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/ Susan Wisdom writes about the challenges and joys of Step Parenting. Tue, 08 Nov 2011 22:04:14 -0500 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.4 By: Susan Wisdom http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-394 Susan Wisdom Thu, 18 Mar 2010 23:02:50 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-394 You said it. It is difficult and there are costs. Good to meet you, Carolyn. Susan You said it. It is difficult and there are costs.
Good to meet you, Carolyn.
Susan

]]> By: Carolyn (The Grown Up Child) http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-392 Carolyn (The Grown Up Child) Thu, 18 Mar 2010 03:58:34 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-392 Hi Susan, I stumbled here through your comment to La Belle Mere. It's nice to *meet* you. I actually wrote a post about this exact topic last summer here --> http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/07/equal-physical-custody-you-try-it/ It's such a difficult issue. Like you wrote, each parent wants their share of time, thinking that's what is in the best interest of their child. But at what cost? Hi Susan,

I stumbled here through your comment to La Belle Mere. It’s nice to *meet* you. I actually wrote a post about this exact topic last summer here –> http://thegrownupchild.ca/2009/07/equal-physical-custody-you-try-it/ It’s such a difficult issue. Like you wrote, each parent wants their share of time, thinking that’s what is in the best interest of their child. But at what cost?

]]> By: Nikki http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-363 Nikki Thu, 04 Mar 2010 17:29:04 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-363 Me and DH, along with BM live in the same community. Their custody agreement is tied to the community we live in. Right now, both DH and BM share custody, she's the school residential parent. This means if she moves out of the community, DH is he school residential parent. The reason for this is b/c BM is from another state. SS has been attending the same school district all his life. We went back to court 3 years ago to get more time with SS. BM had every weekend and most of the week. DH only had one overnight but SS came to our home after school until 5:30 p.m (that's when we dropped him off to BM). I know this arrangement does not work for everyone, and it may not be realistic for some families. But being that I was a step-child and now I am a SM, I think that when it comes to visitation the kids have to come first. Living 4 hours away or even on the other side of town and shuffling kids to appease the parents is ridiculous. If I were the stepkid, I would be upset and resentful too. How are they suppose to develop roots, friends, a routine if they are constantly shuffled from one parent to another. I think my SS has done well since we all live in the same community. We all know the parents of his friends, know what's going on and have quality time with him. I have seen that "fair" or "equal" to the bio-parents is often not the case for their children. And that creates problems. Me and DH, along with BM live in the same community. Their custody agreement is tied to the community we live in. Right now, both DH and BM share custody, she’s the school residential parent. This means if she moves out of the community, DH is he school residential parent. The reason for this is b/c BM is from another state. SS has been attending the same school district all his life. We went back to court 3 years ago to get more time with SS. BM had every weekend and most of the week. DH only had one overnight but SS came to our home after school until 5:30 p.m (that’s when we dropped him off to BM).

I know this arrangement does not work for everyone, and it may not be realistic for some families. But being that I was a step-child and now I am a SM, I think that when it comes to visitation the kids have to come first. Living 4 hours away or even on the other side of town and shuffling kids to appease the parents is ridiculous. If I were the stepkid, I would be upset and resentful too. How are they suppose to develop roots, friends, a routine if they are constantly shuffled from one parent to another.

I think my SS has done well since we all live in the same community. We all know the parents of his friends, know what’s going on and have quality time with him.

I have seen that “fair” or “equal” to the bio-parents is often not the case for their children. And that creates problems.

]]> By: Susan Wisdom http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-362 Susan Wisdom Thu, 04 Mar 2010 06:02:16 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-362 Everyone's story is different!! This is one of those things about stepfamilies that has to be worked out to satisfy the needs and desires of EVERYONE...which is almost impossible. Just when you think you've got it right, someone's life changes or moves away or the needs/desires of the kids change. It's a moving target. Flexibility and cooperation is important, I think. What do you think? Susan Everyone’s story is different!! This is one of those things about stepfamilies that has to be worked out to satisfy the needs and desires of EVERYONE…which is almost impossible. Just when you think you’ve got it right, someone’s life changes or moves away or the needs/desires of the kids change. It’s a moving target. Flexibility and cooperation is important, I think.
What do you think?
Susan

]]> By: Amy http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-361 Amy Thu, 04 Mar 2010 04:12:23 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-361 This is an excellent topic and one that I have raised to my DH on more than one occasion. My SD lives 4 hours away. This was not always the case. WHen I met DH they did the 50/50 split. Literally every night the child slept in a different bed! CRAZY! She was only 2 at the time, but THEY were satisfied. Anyway, once she moved we were getting her every other weekend. Thank goodness it got to be too much for everyone. Imagine every other Friday on the road for 4 hours. She would get to our house, go to bed, spend Sat., then back on the road Sunday afternoon. Now we get her every third weekend and it is a little better. My children only see their dad a few times a year when he comes to visit them. We do not have any "visit drama". There is no bitterness or hard feelings between my ex and I. Lots of time and distance have healed wounds. The kids always are excited to see Dad, have a great time, sad to go, but eager for the next visit. We never know what mood sd (7) will show up in. We can have a good weekend or our entire household can be turned upside down by her presence. My DH makes feeble attempts at parenting but is too often controlled by "guilt". I often ask myself if my kids don't have the better situation! This is an excellent topic and one that I have raised to my DH on more than one occasion. My SD lives 4 hours away. This was not always the case. WHen I met DH they did the 50/50 split. Literally every night the child slept in a different bed! CRAZY! She was only 2 at the time, but THEY were satisfied. Anyway, once she moved we were getting her every other weekend. Thank goodness it got to be too much for everyone. Imagine every other Friday on the road for 4 hours. She would get to our house, go to bed, spend Sat., then back on the road Sunday afternoon. Now we get her every third weekend and it is a little better.
My children only see their dad a few times a year when he comes to visit them. We do not have any “visit drama”. There is no bitterness or hard feelings between my ex and I. Lots of time and distance have healed wounds. The kids always are excited to see Dad, have a great time, sad to go, but eager for the next visit.
We never know what mood sd (7) will show up in. We can have a good weekend or our entire household can be turned upside down by her presence. My DH makes feeble attempts at parenting but is too often controlled by “guilt”.
I often ask myself if my kids don’t have the better situation!

]]> By: Ten http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-358 Ten Tue, 02 Mar 2010 16:31:03 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-358 Susan, This is a great post. My steps are with us every other week for a week and it is just awful. They are shuttled between homes and my stepdaughter in particular is getting more and more resentful. I don't think this is in their best interest, but more about Mom and Dad "getting back" at each other. The divorce was contemptuous and filled with bitterness and anger. It is a shame as it is their kids that are paying the price. It would not matter what was suggested. Both are stubborn enough to not change the situation. Susan,

This is a great post. My steps are with us every other week for a week and it is just awful. They are shuttled between homes and my stepdaughter in particular is getting more and more resentful. I don’t think this is in their best interest, but more about Mom and Dad “getting back” at each other. The divorce was contemptuous and filled with bitterness and anger. It is a shame as it is their kids that are paying the price.

It would not matter what was suggested. Both are stubborn enough to not change the situation.

]]> By: A.J. http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-356 A.J. Mon, 01 Mar 2010 21:52:11 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-356 I think the best thing to do is to not push for more time, but make sure the time you do have is true quality time. For example, if dad only sees the kids on weekends: It is exhausting to rush from activity to activity all weekend with the kids -- only to not really feel like you had a chance to spend real time with them. Watching a kid's basketball practice is not true quality time, in my opinion. I think stepfamilies would be better served by scheduling less and enjoying more. Spending a saturday in PJs and playing board games together is time much better spent than rushing all over town from one pre-scheduled activity to another. I would wager that those PJ Saturdays (or Saturdays playing catch in the park, what have you) will be remembered by the kids long after the memories of basketball practice have faded. I think the best thing to do is to not push for more time, but make sure the time you do have is true quality time. For example, if dad only sees the kids on weekends: It is exhausting to rush from activity to activity all weekend with the kids — only to not really feel like you had a chance to spend real time with them. Watching a kid’s basketball practice is not true quality time, in my opinion.

I think stepfamilies would be better served by scheduling less and enjoying more. Spending a saturday in PJs and playing board games together is time much better spent than rushing all over town from one pre-scheduled activity to another. I would wager that those PJ Saturdays (or Saturdays playing catch in the park, what have you) will be remembered by the kids long after the memories of basketball practice have faded.

]]> By: Susan Wisdom http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-355 Susan Wisdom Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:51:34 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-355 A.J., you offer a perfect example of what concerns me. Any ideas or stories of doing it differently so as to avoid these exhausting shuttles back and forth. Thanks for reading and expressing your thoughts. Susan A.J., you offer a perfect example of what concerns me. Any ideas or stories of doing it differently so as to avoid these exhausting shuttles back and forth. Thanks for reading and expressing your thoughts.
Susan

]]> By: A.J. http://www.stepcoupling.com/2010/03/shuttling-kids-between-homes-who-benefits/comment-page-1/#comment-354 A.J. Mon, 01 Mar 2010 20:21:44 +0000 http://www.stepcoupling.com/?p=495#comment-354 I think you raise an excellent question, Susan. Last week, my husband was traveling, but insisted that my stepson come to our house for his regular night. (There's a 20+ minute drive between our house and mom's house.) So, stepdad dropped him off at our house at 7:45. I put him to bed at 8 p.m. My husband arrived home late that night and took stepson to school. Quality time, indeed. He was "with us" long enough to sleep and ride with dad to school. That set-up didn't benefit anybody. I think it hurts the kids the most. The parents are so busy battling over who gets more time, but the kids never get the benefit of a stable schedule. It creates more stress. It wears on both households. The kids spend more time in the car than anywhere else and they don't know from one day to the next where they will be. I think you raise an excellent question, Susan.

Last week, my husband was traveling, but insisted that my stepson come to our house for his regular night. (There’s a 20+ minute drive between our house and mom’s house.) So, stepdad dropped him off at our house at 7:45. I put him to bed at 8 p.m. My husband arrived home late that night and took stepson to school. Quality time, indeed. He was “with us” long enough to sleep and ride with dad to school. That set-up didn’t benefit anybody.

I think it hurts the kids the most. The parents are so busy battling over who gets more time, but the kids never get the benefit of a stable schedule. It creates more stress. It wears on both households. The kids spend more time in the car than anywhere else and they don’t know from one day to the next where they will be.

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