"My husband and I have gotten to the point where we realize that being smart and in love does NOT mean you have any inkling of how to successfully blend a family." B from Portland
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March 1st, 2010
In the old days, my lawyer friends tell me, child custody/visitation agreements used to be vague and loose. It was common for the non-custodial parent, almost always the father, to have the kids on alternate weekends with seasonal and reasonable longer visits in the summer. Divorced couples usually alternated the holidays. Sounds fair, one would think, back then.
But times have changed. More visitation is exercised now…. and they don’t call it “visitation” in the court system. They now call it “parenting time” so as to put everybody on equal footing. Divorced couples today demand more. They claim, “It’s only fair that I get the kids at least half time!” Take Bill for example. He and his ex wife live miles apart, completely across town from each other. They share custody of their two school aged children with a 50-50 time split. During his weeks with the kids, Bill is on the road early to take the kids to school and returns again in the afternoon to pick them up. He shows up at almost all of their games and after school activities. He and his new wife live in a big new house with her two children. He desperately wants his kids to feel welcome and at home in his new stepfamily.
That’s what’s happening these days. It takes a lot of sacrificing and work to get enough time with the kids. As parents they naturally want to provide the best the best. It seems equally important, however, for some ex-spouses to compete with each other over the kids. My question is what drives this need and is it in the best interest of the kids? And how does it affect new stepcouples and stepfamilies?
I’m amazed to see how far parents will stretch themselves to be what they think are good parents after divorce and remarriage. I suspect some want to make up for what they weren’t before? Somewhat guilt driven, they try harder. But is it good parenting to exhaust yourself and the kids by driving back and forth between homes, schools and after school activities like this? Precious time is lost when kids are always on the run. It’s anything but quality time. The important question is “Can children stay connected, feel loved and cared for by divorced bio parents… but not have to be driven grueling long distances to accomplish this?
These are hard questions with no easy answers.
I would urge all parents of back and forth children to do some serious soul searching about what is truly in the best interest of the kids. Begin by having a conversation with yourself and your partners. Understand the difference between ‘quality time vs. quantity time’? Put yourself in the kids’ shoes. Kids don’t want inconveniences. They want to be with their friends. And yes, they need to be with their biological parents. They want to fit in and belong in both families. But mostly they want normal and happy lives…don’t we all?
To be honest, solving these almost impossible problems and making everyone happy is just about as easy as solving our health care needs in this country. But don’t give up trying!
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
Tags: changes in today's custody/ visitation patterns, children commuting between homes, competition between exes over kids, effects of back and forth on stepfamilies and stepcouples, huge sacrifices for everyone, inconveniences to kids, maintaining bonds without hassles of grueling commutes, quality vs quantity time, stepfamily advice, Susan Wisdom questions long commutes, what's best for kids and parents?
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February 19th, 2010
Do you get so wrapped up in your stepcouple relationship that you ignore the kids? When you’re behind closed doors fighting …or the opposite…what are the kids doing? What are they thinking? Do they need your attention when you’re not available? What are their stories? Do you know… or do you care?
I ask only because I’ve been there! There were times when we just weren’t available to our kids due to our own desires…sad to say. I’m sure we’re all guilty at times. But from where I stand today…hindsight, of course… I think I could/should have been more sensitive and attentive to the kids’ feelings and needs. That may sound strange coming from one who strongly advocates for stepcouple bonding at all costs. But sometimes there are costs. There are ways that a stepcouple can have a balance of both – a rich and rewarding partnership as well as rich and rewarding relationships with the kids…his, hers, and theirs. I believe this balance is a goal worth working for…even though it’s not easy or even what you want at times.
Think about it. If you believe that the stepcouple is the foundation, heart, and soul of the stepfamily, it follows that whatever the adults do (and even think!) trickles down to the kids. Trust me, it just does! Therefore it’s up to the stepcouple to control what trickles down. If the stepcouple sends out the message that their relationship needs are all that matters, the kids will feel left out and resentful…and rightfully so. If the stepcouple sends out a different message that while they love each other very much, what really matters is the success and happiness of all the members of the stepfamily. This stepcouple will strive to develop a positive stepfamily culture.
A good way to address this as a stepcouple is TO THINK about what you want for your kids. Talk to each other. Ask yourselves “How do you want your kids to grow up and what memories of childhood do you want them to have?”
Some things our (grown) children still remember are: We always ate dinner together whether we liked it or not…we loved our big Christmas celebrations, but we didn’t like the thank you notes that our parents made us write… family vacations were really fun, but never enough…. we skied, went to the beach, and one time we all flew to New Orleans for the holidays…sometimes we’d get so angry at our stepparents…we wished they’d just go away and leave us alone…Dad and Mom spent a lot of time together out of sight…that was sort of weird…they used to go on trips together without us…we tried to be a regular family, but we really weren’t…there were good times and not so good times…
From the wisdom of experience and hindsight, I offer two thoughts for stepcouples to address as they travel on their stepfamily journey.
1. Stepcouples should think about how to balance stepcoupling and parenting/stepparenting demands. There are so many things you can do to include the children and make them feel that they are cared for and that they belong. The stepcouple relationship can only be enhanced by reaching out to the kids and respecting them for who they are.
2. Stepcouples should discuss and negotiate parenting roles and guidelines while coparenting. Begin by projecting into the future and imagine your kids’ feelings and stories they will carry with them as they grow. Will they feel that they were cared for adequately? What will they tell their friends, future partners and children about growing up in a stepfamily? How will you feel about the part you played in each child’s development? Is your stepcouple relationship something that you want your kids to model after? And lastly what kind of relationship do you want to have with the kids after they grow up?
Talking calmly as a couple and listening to what your partner has to say will pave the way for mutual decisions not only in your best interests but also your kids… whoever and wherever they are.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
February 2010
Tags: balancing kids needs with stepcouple needs, benefit of hindsight, childrens needs, coparenting challenges, family cohesiveness, kids feelings being ignored, parenting roles, selfish needs in stepfamilies, stepfamily balance, stepmother advice, therapist advice
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February 10th, 2010
I want to clarify a few things in my last blog “WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? I understand that many stepmoms are in horrible situations with hostile, invasive, and vindictive ex-spouses, who are trying to ruin their marriages and any relationship they have with the step-kids. It’s impossible to NOT BE OBSESSED with that ex and the painful situation they’re in with her.
I’ve heard terrible stories, and it always upsets me tremendously. These step-moms can only hope for strength, coping skills and time passage to get through it and survive… and sometimes that’s not possible. They can also hope that the love and support from the stepcouple relationship will provide the strength they need.
There’s a huge continuum ranging from the EVIL ex to the perfectly DECENT ex-spouse.
The ex I was referring to in my article is the less invasive one who’s still in the picture because she is the biological mother and co-parent to the kids. They can be okay women but still resented by the step-moms. This resentment is natural as the kids act like, look like and always side with their Mom. I suggest that rather than obsessing over and competing with the mother, they should step aside and surreptitiously build new fresh relationships with the step-kids as they establish themselves as STEP-MOM …a different person in a different role.
I believe there’s plenty of room for healthy parenting and stepparenting in today’s stepfamilies. I believe it takes a “village” in the form of healthy stepfamilies to raise kids today. And I believe “no one has to be the bitch!”
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
February 2010
Tags: building fresh relationships with stepkids, evil exes vs decent exes, step mom is different person in different role, takes villages of healthy stepfamilies to raise kids today
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January 28th, 2010
Have you ever thought about what your stepcouple relationship would be like if you didn’t obsess about the EX? Ever think about the power she (or he) has in your life and the energy she uses? Does your relationship feel more like a threesome than an intimate twosome? Do you find yourselves as a couple colluding in anger against HER (or HIM? And when you look at your stepkids, do you resent how much they look like and act like HER?
If that’s the case, the ex is a DISTANCER and DISTRACTOR in your stepcouple relationship. And you are letting it happen.
The truth is, the EX is yesterday’s news. It’s an old, out of date relationship! Isn’t it time to move on? Time to reconstruct? Now I’m not saying it’s easy or even that you want to. It’s much easier, and it feels much better to be angry at the ex and keep her in a hostile place in your heart. It’s amazing how the stepcouple preys on that negative energy against her. The kids pick up on it and feel torn, confused and angry. No one benefits.
There are many emotional reasons why this is common and hard to change. First there’s jealousy. No new wife or stepmother likes to accept that her partner loved someone else and had a child with HER. That’s a bitter pill. Feeling second fiddle, they have doubts about the strength of the stepcouple’s love and commitment to each other. They also feel inferior because they are not the “real” moms. Stepmoms tend to demonize the ex to feel better about themselves
Another reason why there’s hostility between the stepcouple and the ex is because some exspouses are frankly NOT healthy, happy, or stable people. Many have problems with current life issues and relationships, past and present. Some are unreliable, drug and alcohol affected, angry, and unfulfilled people. Often the new stepcouple bears the brunt of these unresolved emotional problems… sad to say.
I can’t tell you the HORROR STORIES I’ve heard over the years of problems with exes. My job is to help the stepcouple grow in their partnership in spite of the problems with the ex. The stronger the stepcouple, the more support and love they have to raise his, hers and their children. Hopefully over time, the heat and anger with the ex will settle down.
I repeat WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? Is it time to move on and focus on your stepcouple, the kids, and anything else that comes up in today’s stressful world that needs your attention?
Addendum: This is not to say that you should in any way ignore or drop your obligations to preserve the relationship between the ex and her (or his) biological children.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
January 26, 2010
Tags: horror stories about exes, hostile exes, obsession with the ex
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January 8th, 2010
On the heels of a recent conversation with a stepmom, it all came back to me.
It’s not fair that I have to be responsible for raising his child (a daughter), whose existence I had NOTHING to do with. I didn’t even know these people. Why do I have to be saddled with this thankless job when her mother checked out and gets off scot-free? Why should I deal with her mess? It doesn’t make sense… and I’m sick of it!
I listened. I had to agree with her that it wasn’t fair. But that has nothing to do with it. I also had to tell her that it’s her job to” participate” …whatever that means… in raising and supporting her partner’s kids. I also had to remind her that she is the adult stepmother of a child who needs her to be strong and stable…a hard pill to swallow.
That same day, I had a talk with my daughter-in-law whose own son, my 9-year-old grandson, is being oppositional and driving his mom crazy. Yes, she was complaining to me. She loves her son very much and besides, “He’s just going through a stage”, she said. The parents are busy, and he may be acting out a bit. It happens.
All I can say is, kids are kids. They have issues that upset you. Stepkids often have more issues due to stress from family break ups and remarriage. Their relationships with parents and stepparents are confusing. You are not their parent so they’re naturally inclined to take out their anger on you rather than their parent.
I remember being at my wits end. When I’d complain to my husband and the kids about how UNFAIR it was, I didn’t get much sympathy. They’d tell me in so many words, “Suck it up, you married into this family. It was your choice, so don’t blame us!”
OK, so I did marry into this stepfamily. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t easy. It was what it was- both blissful and painful. That was many years ago. What’s wonderful is how far we’ve come and what we’ve overcome. We still have our issues, but who doesn’t?
As a stepcouple you too can overcome the obstacles…if you want to. As a stepcouple, you can connect and communicate, and learn to co-parent each other’s children. It’s the most fair thing to do.
I wish you peace and happiness in 2010.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
January 2010
Tags: exspouses messes, fairness in stepparenting, stepmothers
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