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January 10th, 2012
Holiday post mortem: does this sound familiar?:
It was a good holiday EXCEPT for that one bad incident. It could have been when you lost your temper with your stepchild. Or when you insulted your partner’s ex. When you drank too much. Or burned the casserole. Or when you yelled at your husband, who was just trying to help…
You regret it, and you can’t let it go.
If you can relate to this, here’s my advice:
S_ _ t happens! Try giving yourself a break (for many of us, this takes practice). Everyone does things they regret. The good news is that you can learn something from that nasty experience.
It’s likely that you’re the one suffering the most over the incident. What would it take to lighten up on yourself and the person (or situation) you tangled with? How about ending it in your own mind. Or how about addressing the problem openly after you’ve had a chance to calm down? How about apologizing and making amends? Ask for forgiveness. That starts with forgiving yourself—others will follow in time.
Isn’t it time to turn the record over and begin a new tune?
Make it a great new year.
Susan Wisdom, MA
January 2012
Tags: "change the record", apologies and amends, happy new year, Holiday post mortem, how to have a happy new year, stepcoupling, stepfamily challenges, stepfamily holiday issues, wise advise-forgive yourself
Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »
December 6th, 2011
When I was a senior in high school, my stepmother took me on a 3,000-mile road trip to visit prospective colleges. From our hometown in Louisiana, Kathy and I traveled to Tennessee, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, and home again. We stayed with friends and in inexpensive hotels, listened to books on tape, and ate lots of questionable food. I’m sure we had arguments (I was 17, after all), but I don’t remember them.
Naturally, the trip was significant for me because I was searching for the place that would become my next home, but it was more significant for another reason: Kathy and my father had recently divorced.
My dad and stepmom were married for about 6 years, from when I was 10 until I was 16 (formative years, to say the least). Our stepfamily was not particularly unique—we had a lot of fun and plenty of fights. Kathy grew to love my brother and me, and we love her.
Her divorce from my father was painful for everyone. My brother and I were completely blindsided, though in hindsight we understand it perfectly. We were simply too young and naïve to appreciate their obvious struggles to make the marriage work, and anticipate that inevitable result.
Such situations are impossible to handle gracefully. There were awkward missteps and hard lessons as we all navigated their separation and then divorce. Kathy and my dad did their best to protect us kids, but we could see and feel their deep sadness.
My brother and I had already split our time between two houses, as my father and stepmother shared joint custody with my mother and stepfather. In addition, we now visited Kathy regularly at her new home, or met her for dinner or a movie.
As an adult, I can appreciate how frightening the thought of divorce must have been for Kathy. She must have feared that the end of her marriage would be the end of her family as well—the end of her role as a mother to two children she raised and loved.
Ensuring that it wasn’t required courage and selflessness from both my father and Kathy; whatever private battles they may have had, they were committed to supporting their children’s relationships with all of their parents. Their determination to do what was best for my brother and me is what got us all through the hardest times.
Some marriages will not survive no matter how much work the partners put into them. In spite of that, a strong family can endure.
Submitted by Guest Contributor, Molly Thurston Parker
December 2011
Molly is an editor, baker, and small business owner. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband and her beloved cat.
Tags: Building lasting relationships, building stepfamily relationships, children in stepfamilies after divorce, how to continue to see your step kids after divorce, keeping stepmom relationship even after divorce, staying in touch with stepchildren after divorce
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
November 9th, 2011
Thanksgiving is coming, and with it, the anticipation of delicious food, cozy fires, family recipes, and most of all, fond feelings with family and friends. Sounds great, doesn’t it?
We all have notions about what Thanksgiving should be like from storybooks, movies, and other people’s sugarcoated anecdotes about their “perfect family.” Those of us in stepcouples and stepfamilies are left wondering how we can get there—and often working ourselves to the bone trying to achieve the picture perfect Thanksgiving… whatever that is!
The problem is we try too hard. We set ourselves up for a meltdown, or at least some sort of disappointment. You can be sure that someone’s going to be misunderstood, get her feelings hurt, act badly, get into a fight, etc. It happens.
One memorable Thanksgiving, I tried particularly hard because I had invited another family to join us. I wanted it to be fabulous! The breakdown occurred over my dessert. My stepdaughter and I were working together in the kitchen, and we disagreed on how to prepare the ingredients for the fancy French dessert I had planned (note the PERFECT SET UP with high expectations ripe for failure and disappointment!).
My stepdaughter and I argued about how to prepare the meringue, slice the fruit, or something inane like that. We were both stubborn. She stormed out of the house and was gone for a long time. I felt horrible. I was angry with her and angry with myself for handling the situation poorly (and I wasn’t so enthusiastic about that dumb dessert anymore).
Much later, I was able to step back and look at why this happened. I had set myself up for stress I didn’t need. Wouldn’t we have been better off with ice cream sundaes? Wouldn’t I have been better off if I’d been able to calm myself down?
Over the course of many holidays with my large stepfamily, I’ve learned some valuable lessons. Here are some tips for stepcouples and stepfamilies to refer to if and when you get into rough terrain over the holidays:
- Lighten up. Know your limits and accept them. Keep it simple and manageable. Remember, it’s a holiday—you’re supposed to enjoy it!
- When conflict occurs, step back, breathe, think, and reflect on your feelings and words, before opening your mouth! Don’t react. Try to understand the other person’s thoughts and vulnerabilities as well as your own.
- Get help! Go to your partner, a relative or friend who understands you. Hopefully that person can listen, hear you and help you calm down.
- Forgive yourself and the other person. We’re only human.
- Take a walk around the block…twice, if you need it.
Best wishes for a happy Thanksgiving.
Susan Wisdom, MA
November 2011
(This article is a repeat from 2010 because many of us need to be reminded over and over again.) SW
Tags: EXPECTATIONS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS, FORGIVENESS FOR SELF AND OTHERS, HOLIDAY TIPS, KNOW YOUR LIMITS, NEED TO STAY CALM, STEPCOUPLE THANKSGIVING, STEPFAMILY HOLIDAY CELEBRATIONS
Posted in Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
October 18th, 2011
As a companion to my book, this blog is a platform for me to share resources, tools, and inspiration with readers in all stages of stepcoupling. I’ve shared a lot of my personal experiences and lessons I learned as a stepmother. In the next phase of the blog, I’m going to shift perspectives a bit and share some clinical experiences (stripped of any identifying information, or course) that I think readers will find helpful.
So much of what stepcouples experience is normal, and universal…but bitterly painful at times. Yet it’s hard to talk about it with friends, family, and people in the workplace. First, they wouldn’t understand, and second, it’s shameful and embarrassing.
The realities of each stepfamily are unique and complex—we cannot compare our family relationships with other “normal” families. The presence of children and spouses from previous marriages push our buttons beyond belief. Add to that those personal issues that get in our way of building healthy relationships. My goal as a clinician has always been to grant people permission to be honest and open in evaluating their reality. I’ve seen clients in all kinds of marriages/partnerships… that’s just the way it is!
The practice of candid self-assessment is an ongoing one. I hope the stories I will share in the coming months will help readers reflect on their own behavior and the dynamics of their marriage and their parenting. Check the blog in two weeks or so.
Susan Wisdom MA
October 2011
Tags: clinical help for stepcouples, new perspective, stepcouple examples, stepfamily examples, stepfamily therapist, the voice of experience
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself, Uncategorized | No Comments »
September 28th, 2011
I wish that, back in the chaotic and stressful years when I was newly remarried with 5 children, I could have seen what the future held for our family. The highlight of this summer was a family gathering that I couldn’t have imagined back then. Our family spent a week in central Oregon—without a fight to speak of. We filled up two houses with our brood, including our kids, their spouses, 7 grandchildren and 2 dogs.
It seems like just yesterday that we were packing our kids into the van for a trip to the beach or ski slopes or grandparent’s house. Just managing all the clothes, food, and equipment for a stepfamily of 7 was almost more than I could handle. Someone would always forget something or lose it or break it. The kids took turns starting fights, being rude at meals, and copping nasty attitudes.
But I also remember the good times. I remember how hard they worked to learn to ski, swim, or cook, and how proud they were to show us the fruits of their efforts. They’d yell, “Look Mom/Dad,” announcing a swim across the pool, a handmade craft object, or a good report card.
Our kids remember a lot of things I’d forgotten…or wasn’t in on. Now that the statute of limitations is over, I’m learning about all sorts of stuff they did behind our backs without getting caught! During our recent week, we had a lot of laughs reminiscing. “Remember when you and Dad went out of town? We had a little party. So and so got drunk, got in trouble, (fill in the blank)…” It was fascinating to hear their different renditions of the same story, scene, or event: who was there, what happened, when, and whose fault it was. It seemed to depend on who was telling the story and what roles they played in this complex family system.
What I particularly loved about our family week was that I was NOT in charge. The kids brought tons of food. We all drank beverages, cooked meals, talked at the dinner table, and cleaned up together afterwards.
The grandchildren played and played! They’d go to the swimming pool after breakfast and stay there until we pulled them out, hours later, looking like prunes. The older ones taught the younger ones to dive. They rode bikes together in a pack. They looked out after each other. Two of the kids brought their guitars, so we sang some songs at night. No TVs, but YES, they did have their cell phones and computers (and so did we).
I promise it wasn’t always this way! We dealt with gut-wrenching issues in the beginning and over the years…just like everyone. As a new stepmother, I was young, terribly insecure, and completely overwhelmed. The kids ate my lunch! Slowly, but surely, I grew up and got stronger. Time heals a great deaI. I learned to deal with the stepchildren, ex-spouses, and a very busy husband. I never had enough time with him…and way too much time with the five kids we raised together.
Now our kids have lives of their own and their own issues to deal with. Hopefully the lessons we learned together along the way will help them in their own families. As for us…it’s now just the two of us…but the kids and grandkids are never far away from our hearts and minds.
Susan Wisdom, MA
October 2011
Tags: beauty of grandchildren, great fun and shared memories, light at the end of the tunnel, memories from past, stepcoupling, stepfamily as it ages, stepfamily celebrations, stepfamily challenges, story telling, Summer trip with stepfamily
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
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