"I read this book in 48 hours and now use it to refer to whenever a crisis hits our stepcouple relationship. Susan Wisdom dares to tell the straight facts about being in a stepcouple while affirming that you can feel all the difficulties and still be considered normal." D from Portland
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July 28th, 2010
If you’ve ever wished you could ask a real expert your most important questions about step-life, now is your chance! Please join me and other well known panelists this Thursday! You won’t want to miss this incredible opportunity, sponsored by StepMom Magazine.
Thursday, July 29th
11 am to 4 pm EST
On StepMom Magazine’s Facebook Page
Asking your most important questions couldn’t be easier! Simply:
1. Visit the StepMom Magazine Facebook Page
2. Post your question on their wall
3. Panelists will respond with comments to your questions throughout the day
Visit the StepMom Magazine site for more information.
I am really excited about this unique opportunity to help so many stepfamilies. I look forward to “seeing” you there!
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July 21st, 2010
Too often, as a struggling stepparent, it’s easy to lose yourself in self-pity, resentment and jealousy—and, amid it all, forget what the kids are enduring.
Grappling with the separation of their biological parents—not to mention also adjusting to the idea that one or both parents now have new partners—is a devastating process for the children.
Yes, it is important that you focus on your new relationship, as a stepcouple, to provide a strong foundation for the whole stepfamily. But it is of equal importance that you maintain awareness and compassion for the kids, who must now suffer against the absence of a biological parent.
Rather than compete with the loyalty children can’t help but feel toward the now-absent bio-parent, strive to understand, with consciousness and empathy, its significance.
Children are naturally bonded to their biological parents—present or absent. Kids will protect their parents unconditionally and interminably, as if by instinct. Nonsensical as it may seem, this sort of loyalty only grows with the bio-parent’s absence.
Understand that this is natural. It can be easy to see this as unfair—after all, you’re the one who does all the work and provides the support. Still, the biological bond cannot be broken. All you can do is support the kids through the anger, sadness and confusion they’re bound to feel at the loss of a bio-parent.
How, specifically, can you do this? I encourage awareness of just how deep and powerful these losses are—think about the kids and, whenever possible, do what’s in their best interest. That will always serve you well.
Stepcoupling is all about keeping present and former relationships appropriately inclusive and alive for as long as is feasible and healthy, allowing the kids to make their own decision as they mature.
What relationships can you keep alive and well in your family, biological and otherwise?
I’ve posed the following questions for guidance:
- Do the children have access to their biological parents?
- Do they have permission to have a relationship with their absent biological parent without bias?
- What part do you play in making that happen? And what obstacles do you face?
- As a stepcouple, how do you encourage and support each other when frustration, resentment and anger take over?
Tags: biological parent/child bonds, helpful questions for stepparents, kids' natural loyalties, preserving first and second family bonds, remarried families, stepcoupling, stepfamily and stepcouple support, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
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July 13th, 2010
 As stepcouples, does it sometimes feel as though other so-called “normal” families are better off? Do you sometimes observe them and feel jealous of the way they appear to interact—to talk and play and laugh—so naturally and comfortably? And, as a result, does this comparison make you feel as though your stepfamily were somehow worse?
I used to watch “normal” families and conclude that they had no problems, and that because my stepfamily was “different,” we were the one with problems. Extended family gatherings gave me plenty of opportunity to envy “normal” families, which always left me feeling depressed, alone, and incompetent.
With few stepfamily models to learn from, we felt alone and uneasy in how to build our stepfamily. And comparing ours to “normal” families didn’t help. But, in time, I learned that there is no such thing as a family that is normal or perfect; that all families face their own unique set of challenges. Comparisons, of course, are only relative to who’s doing the comparing.
Today, now that our five children are grown, some with children of their own, I can look back and appreciate that, while our family has never been “normal,” it is pretty darned great. Life is a journey, after all—for all families. True: the stepcoupling and stepfamily journey is one of the most challenging. But it’s worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears, no matter how “abnormal” and difficult it may seem.
As a stepcouple, can you and your partner think of activities, traditions, or experiences that you particularly cherish in your stepfamily? Anything that puts a smile on your face and makes you happy counts.
Susan Wisdom LPC
July 12, 2010
Please share your experiences and thoughts.
Tags: "normal" families vs. stepfamilies, rewards of stepcoupling, stepcouple challenges, stepcouple journey, stepcoupling, stepfamilies, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
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June 22nd, 2010
School’s out and summer vacation begins…
Vacation for kids and stepkids is hardly a vacation for the parents raising them. “ Do this, do that, take us here, there and everywhere…NOW!”
The kids complaining -THERE’S NOTHING TO DO. The begging -Can so and so come over? I need money to go to the mall? Everyone else gets to go ______ or do _____ except me! You’ve heard it all a million times.
The moody sulks, the tears, and the energy…oh my! And by the way kids, especially preteens and adolescents, are the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, because that’s what they’re supposed to be. (Aren’t you glad your kids are normal?)
Even though my kids are grown up now, I remember the long summers when they were young. Relentless and exhausting. You work yourself to the bone to please, accommodate, and satisfy. And you worry way too much about how the “little darlings” are doing…where they are and WITH WHOM. If you’re a stepparent, you wonder if you’re fitting the bill at all! Still you go for perfection. Doesn’t every parent want to be the best?
So stop yourself! Step back. Take a break. You have to say NO sometimes. Take care of YOURSELF. You do count… you do have a life! Have some fun. Go to yoga or exercise class, get a pedicure, have a drink with a friend. Get off the computer, get out of the car, and leave the dirty dishes in the sink.
Free yourself up, breathe, and relax.
Gotta go now. I’ve been on the computer way too long. I’m going for a walk.
See you later…
How will you take care of yourself this summer during those long summer days? Think about it and make a plan, if necessary. Leave a comment here so others can learn from you too.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
June 2010
Tags: HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY SUMMER, SUMMER SANITY IN STEPCOUPLING, SUMMER SANITY IN STEPFAMILIES, SUMMER SELF CARE FOR STEPMOMS, SUMMER VACATION AND KIDS, SUMMER WITH KIDS, SUMMER WITH STEPKIDS, SURVIVING SUMMER WITH KIDS AND STEPKIDS, TAKING A BREAK FROM KIDS
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June 15th, 2010
If you always do what you did… you’ll always get what you got.
(Old Southern expression)
There’s no place where this is more evident than in stepcoupling. If you’re doing the same crummy things over and over, repeating the same fights, feeling the same bad feelings…you’re stuck with what you got.
Do you ever think that it’s time to change? Do you ever think that you could play a part… like maybe changing yourself and your behaviors?
Being in a stepcouple and stepfamily is a perfect opportunity for self-awareness and change. Stepcoupling is not for wimps or weaklings… but rather the strong and brave. In stepcoupling, you have a fresh chance to move forward from the past, take responsibility for who you are and what you want to develop in your stepfamily. In stepcoupling, you’re given a chance to stand up to the plate and change – a chance to build new relationships with yourself… your spouse…your stepchildren…your own children… even your ex-spouse.
Seize the opportunity!
If you find that your fights only lead to anger, blaming, and jealousy, back off and take a look. Experiment with a new view and approach. Start with having a conversation with yourself. Reflect back on the reasons you fell in love and agreed to partner up as a stepcouple.
Think about what you thought it would be like and compare it to what it is. I’m sure your complaints have to do with kids and stepkids, problems with interfering exes, not enough time together…and who knows what else. We’ve all been there! The honeymoon is over and reality presents itself on a daily basis. This is the time to build and normalize the relationship you want.
Think about you and your partner as a stepcouple team. How do you want that partnership to be? With love…aka attraction, sex, need, compatibility… as the glue that sealed the deal in the first place…how do you keep that connective glue working for you? Your goal should be to build an effective …and loving… day-to-day working stepcouple team?
In developing a working partnership, you begin with effective communication skills. You talk calmly and openly because this is the only way your partner will be able to listen, stay and respond. (If you’re angry and blaming, he’ll react with a fight or flight reaction for sure!) You set the pace. As a stepcouple, you want to be able to hear, understand, respect and depend on each other now… and in the future.
Let’s be honest! While staying calm and open is important in stepcoupling, it’s also very hard to do. Emotional buttons get pushed easily with all the challenges in stepfamilies… stepkids driving you crazy, difficult exes, child support payments that stress beyond belief. There’s always something that pushes you to the limits.
And when that happens, WHO do you want to listen and sooth you, calm you down, and love you through it? Answer: you want your partner to be there for you! If the stepcouple can learn to support and be there for each other, everyone will benefit…adults as well as the kids.
Set the stage by practicing these positive behaviors in your stepcouple relationship. When it works, enjoy the results. When disappointed, don’t give up. Keep trying.
Don’t wait and hope for others to change. The change can start with you.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
June 2010
Tags: breaking old patterns, creating positive behaviors, making the first move, new relationship strategies
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