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December 6th, 2011
When I was a senior in high school, my stepmother took me on a 3,000-mile road trip to visit prospective colleges. From our hometown in Louisiana, Kathy and I traveled to Tennessee, Virginia, Pennsylvania, New York, Ohio, and home again. We stayed with friends and in inexpensive hotels, listened to books on tape, and ate lots of questionable food. I’m sure we had arguments (I was 17, after all), but I don’t remember them.
Naturally, the trip was significant for me because I was searching for the place that would become my next home, but it was more significant for another reason: Kathy and my father had recently divorced.
My dad and stepmom were married for about 6 years, from when I was 10 until I was 16 (formative years, to say the least). Our stepfamily was not particularly unique—we had a lot of fun and plenty of fights. Kathy grew to love my brother and me, and we love her.
Her divorce from my father was painful for everyone. My brother and I were completely blindsided, though in hindsight we understand it perfectly. We were simply too young and naïve to appreciate their obvious struggles to make the marriage work, and anticipate that inevitable result.
Such situations are impossible to handle gracefully. There were awkward missteps and hard lessons as we all navigated their separation and then divorce. Kathy and my dad did their best to protect us kids, but we could see and feel their deep sadness.
My brother and I had already split our time between two houses, as my father and stepmother shared joint custody with my mother and stepfather. In addition, we now visited Kathy regularly at her new home, or met her for dinner or a movie.
As an adult, I can appreciate how frightening the thought of divorce must have been for Kathy. She must have feared that the end of her marriage would be the end of her family as well—the end of her role as a mother to two children she raised and loved.
Ensuring that it wasn’t required courage and selflessness from both my father and Kathy; whatever private battles they may have had, they were committed to supporting their children’s relationships with all of their parents. Their determination to do what was best for my brother and me is what got us all through the hardest times.
Some marriages will not survive no matter how much work the partners put into them. In spite of that, a strong family can endure.
Submitted by Guest Contributor, Molly Thurston Parker
December 2011
Molly is an editor, baker, and small business owner. She lives in Portland, Oregon with her husband and her beloved cat.
Tags: Building lasting relationships, building stepfamily relationships, children in stepfamilies after divorce, how to continue to see your step kids after divorce, keeping stepmom relationship even after divorce, staying in touch with stepchildren after divorce
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
September 28th, 2011
I wish that, back in the chaotic and stressful years when I was newly remarried with 5 children, I could have seen what the future held for our family. The highlight of this summer was a family gathering that I couldn’t have imagined back then. Our family spent a week in central Oregon—without a fight to speak of. We filled up two houses with our brood, including our kids, their spouses, 7 grandchildren and 2 dogs.
It seems like just yesterday that we were packing our kids into the van for a trip to the beach or ski slopes or grandparent’s house. Just managing all the clothes, food, and equipment for a stepfamily of 7 was almost more than I could handle. Someone would always forget something or lose it or break it. The kids took turns starting fights, being rude at meals, and copping nasty attitudes.
But I also remember the good times. I remember how hard they worked to learn to ski, swim, or cook, and how proud they were to show us the fruits of their efforts. They’d yell, “Look Mom/Dad,” announcing a swim across the pool, a handmade craft object, or a good report card.
Our kids remember a lot of things I’d forgotten…or wasn’t in on. Now that the statute of limitations is over, I’m learning about all sorts of stuff they did behind our backs without getting caught! During our recent week, we had a lot of laughs reminiscing. “Remember when you and Dad went out of town? We had a little party. So and so got drunk, got in trouble, (fill in the blank)…” It was fascinating to hear their different renditions of the same story, scene, or event: who was there, what happened, when, and whose fault it was. It seemed to depend on who was telling the story and what roles they played in this complex family system.
What I particularly loved about our family week was that I was NOT in charge. The kids brought tons of food. We all drank beverages, cooked meals, talked at the dinner table, and cleaned up together afterwards.
The grandchildren played and played! They’d go to the swimming pool after breakfast and stay there until we pulled them out, hours later, looking like prunes. The older ones taught the younger ones to dive. They rode bikes together in a pack. They looked out after each other. Two of the kids brought their guitars, so we sang some songs at night. No TVs, but YES, they did have their cell phones and computers (and so did we).
I promise it wasn’t always this way! We dealt with gut-wrenching issues in the beginning and over the years…just like everyone. As a new stepmother, I was young, terribly insecure, and completely overwhelmed. The kids ate my lunch! Slowly, but surely, I grew up and got stronger. Time heals a great deaI. I learned to deal with the stepchildren, ex-spouses, and a very busy husband. I never had enough time with him…and way too much time with the five kids we raised together.
Now our kids have lives of their own and their own issues to deal with. Hopefully the lessons we learned together along the way will help them in their own families. As for us…it’s now just the two of us…but the kids and grandkids are never far away from our hearts and minds.
Susan Wisdom, MA
October 2011
Tags: beauty of grandchildren, great fun and shared memories, light at the end of the tunnel, memories from past, stepcoupling, stepfamily as it ages, stepfamily celebrations, stepfamily challenges, story telling, Summer trip with stepfamily
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
August 3rd, 2011
The recent crisis over our country’s debt limit and the way our leaders are handling it got me thinking about the way many stepfamilies and ex-spouses relate to each other. Conflict is inevitable in the environment of a remarried family or stepfamily (meaning a divorced couple, their children, and their new partners). There is a great deal at stake in the way the adults handle these conflicts.
Parents, new partners, and exes will have clashing values—around lifestyle, money, parenting, goals, etc. When parents become fixated on their own agenda, and are unable to appreciate and respect opposing perspectives, they lose sight of what should be their true goal: the best possible outcome for their children.
When problems arise in remarried families, the adults need to step back and take a look at the entire situation—listen, think, negotiate, and compromise. It’s not about winning or losing, but understanding and improving. Strong leadership serves the best interests of the entire group. It does not seek to win, but rather, to protect and support those whom it is charged with leading.
We are all capable of hurting others while thinking we’re acting in their best interest. It’s easier to get out of this trap when we can put our ego away and treat the other parties with respect, dignity, and curiosity. Children notice how their parents and stepparents treat each other, and it impacts them significantly. Parents who model compromise and respect, while standing up for the needs of their children, serve the entire family.
My hope is that our national leaders can learn to work together in a way that their constituents can be proud of and use as a positive model for their own families.
Susan Wisdom, MA
August 2011
Tags: communicating with the other parent, conflicts between parents, conflicts in stepfamilies, dealing with ex spouses, doing what is best for the kids, how to compromise with your spouse, national debt crisis, values in families
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
June 21st, 2011
She’s been dating this guy. She might even love him…but he has two kids and she has one. She always said she’d NEVER hook up with a man who has kids! Growing up, she had a stepmother she hated. Her dad was always with “her,” and she never got any one-on-one time with her father. She’d never be anyone’s STEPMOTHER and do that to another child—end of story.
As time goes on, however, she loves him more and more. She can’t break it off. Besides, his kids seem OK.
Then comes their first “family” vacation. He wants to take her and all their kids on a camping trip. He loves to camp. He plans the outing and makes all the arrangements.
The first evening goes well. They eat dinner and roast marshmallows. Then it’s bedtime and the first glitch: the tenting arrangement. His kids want Dad in their tent; her daughter wants Mom in her tent. The adults want to sleep with each other. They’d been sleeping together when their kids were staying with their other parents—every chance they could get. But not this night. They comply with their kids’ wishes and sleep separately.
The rest of the weekend, there are good and bad times. But clearly the tension of being together is building. There’s a nasty fight on the last day over something silly like the scrambled eggs being undercooked! In the end, his kids complain that camping is more fun without “them”. Her kid says that camping isn’t fun at all—too many bugs, too cold at night—and she doesn’t ever want to do it again!
This scenario isn’t surprising. Several issues common in stepcoupling and stepfamilies were working against them during this three-day “family” vacation.
First, it was a new and different experience for all of them. No one likes change, especially not children, parents, and stepparents—all of whom have already experienced too much change. They want their old familiar ways of doing things.
Second, it’s about competition. Kids don’t want to share their parents with anyone. The best part about camping is sharing a tent with the person you love the most, your parent. And the newcomers/outsiders threatened this. From the adults’ perspective, they were competing with the “stepkids” for tent time as a couple.
Third, these two families were strangers to each other. The adults’ affair was being carried on when the kids weren’t around. Suddenly they were all thrown together on a camping “adventure.” It sounded like a good idea…but it wasn’t!
The hype and anxiety involved in planning and carrying out family trips is another problem factor. It takes a lot of emotional and physical energy, plus a fair amount of money to make a joint vacation happen. If it’s disappointing, it feels like a real bust.
It’s also hard for kids and adults, who aren’t used to being together, to be in cramped quarters with no boundaries. It makes everyone a little crazy at times.
And there are always surprises. But it’s the surprises that make the memories. For instance, everyone in our stepfamily remembers when one of our kids threw up all over the San Francisco airport! All seven of us were on a trip to celebrate Christmas with family. This was NOT a good start!
From years of experience, I’ve learned:
- There’s no easy formula. It’s different every time and they’re always surprises. Stepfamily vacations take HUGE amounts of patience and flexibility.
- Involve the kids in the planning as much as possible. Listen to their ideas. Think about it and talk with your partner. Kids need to feel that they’re an important part of the group process. Of course, the adults have to consider time, purpose, and practicality. Expectations and sleeping arrangements should be discussed before hand—everyone must be willing to compromise.
- It’s impossible to make it perfect for everyone. The kids may be different ages and genders and have different interests to consider. The binding force should be that it’s an opportunity for this stepfamily to do something together that transcends age, sex and interests. Kids can be flexible.I remember one special camping trip early on. Our five kids spent hours pretending that their tent was an emergency hospital—like the popular TV program, Mash. They took care of their sick and injured siblings and saved lives for the better part of a day.
- Check your attitude along the way. Be the adult that you are. You won’t always get your way…nor will anyone else. There will be issues to iron out, glitches, and disappointments. The best-laid plans can fail miserably. And the cheapest, most casual trips are often the best.
- Enjoy the good times as they happen. Appreciate them and applaud them. Remember to affirm the kids for special efforts, generosity, and patience. Commendations go a long way in family vacations. Incentives and bribes work, too.
- Lighten up and use your sense of humor. Laughter is sometimes the best medicine when people get tired and crabby.
Best to everyone this summer vacation. Stay cool.
Susan Wisdom MA
(Originally published June 2010 on Susan’s blog site and StepMom Magazine July 2010.)
Tags: conflicts in stepfamily, fun vacations with kids, introducing kids to another family, stepcouple advice, successful summer vacations, vacations for stepfamilies
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
June 7th, 2011
School’s almost out and summer vacation begins. Vacation for kids is hardly a vacation for the parents and stepparents raising them.
The complaints: “THERE’S NOTHING TO DO.”
The requests: “Can so and so come over?”
The demands: “Take me here, there and everywhere…NOW!” “I need money to go to the mall!” “Everyone else gets to go to or do ______ except me!”
The moodiness, the sulkiness and tears—Give me a break!!
Kids, and especially preteens and adolescents, are the center of the universe. That’s what they’re supposed to be. Yes, your self-absorbed kids are normal…aren’t you relieved?
I remember those long summers when our kids were young. The days were long and exhausting. I thought they’d never end. I worked myself to the bone to accommodate and satisfy the kids. I worried way too much about how they were doing…where they were and with whom.
As a stepmom, you may wonder if you’re fitting the bill at all! Still you strive for perfection. Doesn’t every parent want to be the best?
Words of Wisdom: Stop yourself! Step back. Take a break. You have to say NO sometimes. You have to take care of YOURSELF. You do count. You do have a life! Go ahead and have some fun. Go to yoga or exercise class; call a friend. Get off the computer, get out of the car, and leave the dirty dishes in the sink. It won’t kill you. Take a lie down, read a chapter in the book you’re reading, or journalize if that helps you.
Free yourself up to breathe, and relax.
My best to all stepcouples and stepfamilies this summer. Take care and take it easy…and enjoy the special moments. A thank you, a shared joke or experience, anything that makes you feel good. That’s what it’s all about.
Susan Wisdom, MA
June 2011
(First published June 2010 on my blog site)
Tags: SUMMER SANITY IN STEPFAMILIES AND STEPCOUPLES, SUMMER SELF CARE FOR STEPMOMS, SURVIVING LONG DAYS WITH KIDS AND STEPKIDS, SURVIVING SUMMER WITH KIDS, TAKE IT EASY, TAKING A BREAK FROM KIDS
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | 2 Comments »
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