A mother and her boyfriend fell in love and decided to get married When Mom told her kids the news, the younger girl said “Oh”…then paused and asked the question, “Does that mean that when you get divorced from him, we’ll have to go to his house on the weekends too?

Susan Wisdom, LPC
May 2008

During early arguments, I’d hear myself saying, “What were you thinking when you married her?”

Every time I was frustrated with his children, I’d blame his ex for my having to raise their children after she messed them up. The angrier I got, the more I blamed her - never thinking that my husband had a small part in it. After all, it takes two!

I wanted my husband to take my side and collude with me. He rarely did. He told me that he was young and in love at the time. I never liked to hear that. I was angry and insecure and felt like I didn’t belong here. I resented that I wasn’t the first and only in his life, but he wasn’t first in mine either. I had an ex and two kids, but somehow that didn’t bother him so much.

As I grew…as we grew, we became a more solid stepcouple and these angry, jealous feelings about her slowly went away.

How did that happen?

By looking back, as well as listening to stepcouples’ stories in my counseling practice, I understand how peoples’ stories do change over time.

For example, taking my story about her– step by step:

When angry about his ex, I calmed myself down by thinking and talking to a close girlfriend. She gave me some good advice about stepcoupling that hadn’t occurred to me. She told me that stepfamilies take time to adjust to and that in the beginning everyone feels confused and insecure. Over time, I became more confident that this was where I belonged …with the man I loved and with whom I vowed to share my life and co-parent our children.

To quiet my early doubts, I’d glance down at the ring finger on my left hand. I realized that I was the one proudly wearing the wedding band we picked out together. I was the one lying next to him in bed every night. I was the one who got to hear about his day.

Gradually I was getting to know his children and appreciate their qualities. They were beginning to rely on me for what I had to offer them.

I gradually got it that his first wife was clearly out of his life as far as being his wife. I knew he loved me and only me. We had our boundaries clear.

Believe it or not, I began to feel curious and compassionate towards his ex-wife. She was living her life separate from ours. However, she was the mother of his children I was helping him raise. They were genetically related and bonded by love and loyalty. Present or absent, she was a part of my family. 

And here’s the amazing part. My husband and I are deeply indebted to our first spouses. We were both recovering from our divorces when we met each other, fell in love, and decided to raise our five children in our stepfamily.

The biggest surprise came at the rehearsal dinner for my stepdaughter’s wedding. There was silence in the room when we saw his ex-wife stand up. She took a deep breath and began her toast. Shaking with emotion, she said “In most families, the children leave home first. In my case, it was different. I left before my children were grown.” She turned to the two of us and thanked us for raising her children after she left home…There was not a dry eye in the room.

And that’s how my story changed.

What’s the story that bothers you?  How can you change it by changing yourself -your language, your feelings and behaviors?

Susan Wisdom LPC
April 2008

I’ve been following the recent news story about the 12 year old boy whose divorced parents are vigorously fighting over whether or not he will be circumcised. Dad, says yes: Mom says no. They’re relying on attorneys and the courts to decide.

What a sad state of affairs! How would you like to be that boy? - tossed back and forth between his biological parents fighting over a life decision this powerful and incredibly sensitive. The worst is he can’t possibly decide for himself and feel good about it, because his parents won’t let him.

Years ago I worked in a residential treatment center for emotionally and behaviorally disturbed children. Before my very eyes, I witnessed vulnerable children being torn in half by their angry parents. I saw beautiful, smart, happy children emotionally deteriorate because of the pressure of being caught in the middle of their parents’ fights. It broke my heart to see kids in horrible no-win situations over which they had no control.

This recent story once again pushed my buttons. It’s a perfect example of what I always tell divorced biological parents, “Don’t put your helpless, defenseless children in the middle of your ongoing battles! The more intense your divorce conflicts are, the more you jeopardize your children developmentally and socially.” These children are at high risk for depression, anger and anxiety in their lives as a result.

The paradox is that while these parents love their children and want the best for them, they would better demonstrate their love by burying the hatchet over the failed marriage and cooperate in coparenting their kids. That’s what kids need and want!!

So the next time you want to rail on your ex, think about the effect on the children.

Is it worth it?

Susan Wisdom LPC
January 2008

At holiday time, stepcouples often have the “opportunity” to see their ex-spouses. For some this is fine and even pleasant, but for others it triggers strong emotions: sadness, fear, anger, jealousy, resentment and others. Maybe it’s been a long time since you saw your ex or maybe you saw him last week. You may be facing a 10 minute child pickup or a 3 hour celebration meal and gift exchange. The amount of time doesn’t matter. It still pushes buttons for many people!

To those people who are dreading these encounters and need help dealing emotionally: Let’s face it! You have feelings about this person and you don’t know what will happen when you see him. How will she look? Were you really married to him? Will he be sober? What will the new spouse be like? And lastly, can you handle it all?

The answer is YES, you can. You HAVE TO for yourself and for the kids. You can start by drawing a strong boundary between you and your ex. Accept that while it’s uncomfortable, there are ways for you to handle the pressure.

Some helpful tips:

• Take care of yourself and prepare yourself emotionally so you can bring your best to the table.
• You don’t have to be perfect. Be yourself – that’s good enough. Provide a handshake and a smile. Treat the ex with respect, as he’s the biological parent to your children.
• If an argument arises, try not to escalate it. Don’t fight fire with fire especially in front of the kids. Alcohol tents to excite anger, so keep it to a minimum.
• Think and breathe. These are excellent ways to control your anxieties. Remember you can only control yourself, not anyone else. The better you handle yourself the more comfortable your children will be.
• Find a way to enjoy some aspects of the moment and feel proud of how you’re handling it. Lighten up; a sense of humor helps.

At the end of the day, it’s over for now. You did fine, and you can pat yourself on the back. And move on…until next time.

How do you control and conduct yourself around your ex?

Susan Wisdom LPC
December 2007