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October 27th, 2010
It’s you who makes or breaks a stepcouple.
All married couples, partnerships, and families have problems. Granted, stepcouples may have more problems and certainly different problems than traditional families. But that’s not the issue.
A stable adult stepcouple relationship with a strong emotional commitment will endure no matter what. No person and no force can tear them apart.
I’ve seen stepcouples where everything is a problem. They can’t rise above the fights about his and her kids, the nagging jealous exes who won’t let go, issues over money, ongoing resentments, etc. They’re miserable! Everyone’s miserable.
On the other hand, I’ve seen stepcouples who have HUGE problems. Frankly their stories amaze me. I wonder how any relationship can survive what they have on their plates. Yet, they do survive… together. It’s touching to witness the power of love, commitment, and sacrifice these people exhibit. Naturally the positive effects trickle down to the kids and everyone who’s part of these stepfamies
WHAT DOES IT TAKE?
It takes a strong boundary between the stepcouple. It’s the primary relationship in the stepfamily. They’re co-captains of the stepfamily team. It’s not about his kids vs. her kids. It’s about the kids. It’s not about whose ex-spouse is worse. It’s about dealing with exes using the strength and power of the stepcouple relationship. It’s infectious. The stronger the relationship at the top, the safer and happier everyone feels. A united stepcouple is a supportive team defined and protected by a clear boundary.
It takes a partnership based on respect and love… not competition. Stepcouples shouldn’t get tangled up in who’s kids are smarter, whose kids get more, whose kids start all the fights, who’s the trouble maker, who drives you crazy. Take it to a higher plane. Talk about these issues with your partner using non-blaming communication techniques. Offer and ask for support and understanding from each other. Try to solve the problems openly. Talk, listen and hear each other out. Take time outs from heated arguments to address later.
Don’t keep score and carry grudges. Just do what has to be done to put out the fires. Learn to discipline and soothe the kids fairly and frequently. Learn to cross over and offer the same to each other’s kids… over time when relationships are established. Everyone has bad days. There are attitudes, moods, and poor choices children make. There are always daily messes to clean up…literally and figuratively. So be the adults. Pick up the messes and move on.
Learn to rely on each other for support, ventilation, love, laughter, and nourishment. Be best friends! Learn ways to make each other feel worthwhile and lovable. After a stepchild has dished out an insult, been rude, lied, or done something AWFUL, it doesn’t feel good. Find your partner to soothe the wounds and help each other move on.
It’s impossible to tackle and solve every problem. There are always messes in stepfamilies. It does get better over time. It gets a lot easier when kids grow up and leave home. But that’s a long time to wait! Besides, you won’t make it if that’s what you’re waiting for.
Addendum: My husband and I raised five kids in our stepfamily. We have the advantage of time passage as our children are grown up now. They tell us how hard they tried to split us up in the beginning. They wanted nothing to do with a stepfamily. They missed their original families and their absent parents. They didn’t want outsiders moving in on them, telling them what to do!
Their efforts failed…fortunately for all of us.
Susan Wisdom M.A.
October 2010
Tags: advise for stepcouples, boundaries in stepfamilies, communication and commitment in stepcouples, kids need stability in stepfamilies, partnership is key, stepcouple endurance, stepcouple stability, Stepcouple team, stepcoupling, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Dealing with the Other Parent, Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
July 21st, 2010
Too often, as a struggling stepparent, it’s easy to lose yourself in self-pity, resentment and jealousy—and, amid it all, forget what the kids are enduring.
Grappling with the separation of their biological parents—not to mention also adjusting to the idea that one or both parents now have new partners—is a devastating process for the children.
Yes, it is important that you focus on your new relationship, as a stepcouple, to provide a strong foundation for the whole stepfamily. But it is of equal importance that you maintain awareness and compassion for the kids, who must now suffer against the absence of a biological parent.
Rather than compete with the loyalty children can’t help but feel toward the now-absent bio-parent, strive to understand, with consciousness and empathy, its significance.
Children are naturally bonded to their biological parents—present or absent. Kids will protect their parents unconditionally and interminably, as if by instinct. Nonsensical as it may seem, this sort of loyalty only grows with the bio-parent’s absence.
Understand that this is natural. It can be easy to see this as unfair—after all, you’re the one who does all the work and provides the support. Still, the biological bond cannot be broken. All you can do is support the kids through the anger, sadness and confusion they’re bound to feel at the loss of a bio-parent.
How, specifically, can you do this? I encourage awareness of just how deep and powerful these losses are—think about the kids and, whenever possible, do what’s in their best interest. That will always serve you well.
Stepcoupling is all about keeping present and former relationships appropriately inclusive and alive for as long as is feasible and healthy, allowing the kids to make their own decision as they mature.
What relationships can you keep alive and well in your family, biological and otherwise?
I’ve posed the following questions for guidance:
- Do the children have access to their biological parents?
- Do they have permission to have a relationship with their absent biological parent without bias?
- What part do you play in making that happen? And what obstacles do you face?
- As a stepcouple, how do you encourage and support each other when frustration, resentment and anger take over?
Tags: biological parent/child bonds, helpful questions for stepparents, kids' natural loyalties, preserving first and second family bonds, remarried families, stepcoupling, stepfamily and stepcouple support, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
June 2nd, 2010
In stepcoupling, it starts with falling in love…of course! We’re convinced that we’ve found the right mate in spite of some concerns … like kids, exspouses, child support payments, parenting responsibilities, etc. No worries though. It’ll work out over time. And for many, it does
For others – not so well. Many people in stepcouples ARE SURE that their choice was right and that they’d have the perfect relationship IF ONLY… her kids weren’t part of the deal …or the ex would suddenly vanish from their lives… or he’d met you first before marrying her. This is what people believe and vigorously play out in the If Only Game of stepcoupling. This way they don’t have to change, stretch, or take responsibility. It’s a great excuse.
I’ve seen and heard stories of people believing these myths with all their hearts. I’ve seen stepcouples live in separate quarters of houses – she with her kids and he with his, eating meals and raising kids separately while the stepcouple shares little more than a common bed together. I’ve seen 2 mini families living together in one house with tension building between the two forces. Each parent protects themselves and their offspring from the other side. They say they “love each other very much”…until they can’t stand each other. It’s not surprising that these relationships end in divorce. They have plenty of reasons to blame the other side and leave in a huff. Parting shot is if only … or if only you…
They love each other, but they just can’t deal with the day to day hassles and responsibilities of stepfamily life. They live for the breaks from the kids, their weekends alone to rekindle and be intimate. They live in two different worlds that conflict with one another– one, loving, protecting and raising one’s biological kids and the other sustaining a stepcouple relationship.
Successful stepcouples can handle both with integrity and appreciation for what it is. They don’t obsess about what they don’t or can’t have, or what they lost in the past. They work on what they have together. They do so with conscious attention to boundary issues and conflicts. They communicate and deal with the issues openly.
Lets face it! Accepting some one else’s children and inviting them into your own family is definitely a challenge. Dealing with one’s ex-spouse is hardly smooth and natural. Dealing with a partner’s ex is even harder. It all takes motivation, maturity, and incredible patience.
Three questions for stepcouple partners to consider when dealing with stepchildren and exes:
- Given that your stepchildren won’t simply disappear, do you want your marriage to endure? If it continues, they’ll be present. Is this prospect tolerable?
- Are you willing to consider the possibility that you could have a different relationship with your stepchildren, even if they don’t change?
- Are you willing to consider including rather than excluding your stepchildren? Are you willing to consider doing something different?
(Excerpts, Page 63, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family, Three Rivers Press, 2002.)
These are hard questions, but it’s only by doing some honest thinking about yourself and your situation that can lead you to stop playing the If Only game and work towards accepting/embracing what you have. What you have is a stepfamily which includes children and exspouses from previous relationships…and that’s just the beginning.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
June 2010
Tags: acceptance of situation, accepting reality, avoiding divorce, boundary conflicts, conflicts that lead to divorce, exspouses, If Only, important questions to ask, intimacy in stepcoupling, maturity and patience, resilience, stepparenting and intimacy, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
March 1st, 2010
In the old days, my lawyer friends tell me, child custody/visitation agreements used to be vague and loose. It was common for the non-custodial parent, almost always the father, to have the kids on alternate weekends with seasonal and reasonable longer visits in the summer. Divorced couples usually alternated the holidays. Sounds fair, one would think, back then.
But times have changed. More visitation is exercised now…. and they don’t call it “visitation” in the court system. They now call it “parenting time” so as to put everybody on equal footing. Divorced couples today demand more. They claim, “It’s only fair that I get the kids at least half time!” Take Bill for example. He and his ex wife live miles apart, completely across town from each other. They share custody of their two school aged children with a 50-50 time split. During his weeks with the kids, Bill is on the road early to take the kids to school and returns again in the afternoon to pick them up. He shows up at almost all of their games and after school activities. He and his new wife live in a big new house with her two children. He desperately wants his kids to feel welcome and at home in his new stepfamily.
That’s what’s happening these days. It takes a lot of sacrificing and work to get enough time with the kids. As parents they naturally want to provide the best the best. It seems equally important, however, for some ex-spouses to compete with each other over the kids. My question is what drives this need and is it in the best interest of the kids? And how does it affect new stepcouples and stepfamilies?
I’m amazed to see how far parents will stretch themselves to be what they think are good parents after divorce and remarriage. I suspect some want to make up for what they weren’t before? Somewhat guilt driven, they try harder. But is it good parenting to exhaust yourself and the kids by driving back and forth between homes, schools and after school activities like this? Precious time is lost when kids are always on the run. It’s anything but quality time. The important question is “Can children stay connected, feel loved and cared for by divorced bio parents… but not have to be driven grueling long distances to accomplish this?
These are hard questions with no easy answers.
I would urge all parents of back and forth children to do some serious soul searching about what is truly in the best interest of the kids. Begin by having a conversation with yourself and your partners. Understand the difference between ‘quality time vs. quantity time’? Put yourself in the kids’ shoes. Kids don’t want inconveniences. They want to be with their friends. And yes, they need to be with their biological parents. They want to fit in and belong in both families. But mostly they want normal and happy lives…don’t we all?
To be honest, solving these almost impossible problems and making everyone happy is just about as easy as solving our health care needs in this country. But don’t give up trying!
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
Tags: changes in today's custody/ visitation patterns, children commuting between homes, competition between exes over kids, effects of back and forth on stepfamilies and stepcouples, huge sacrifices for everyone, inconveniences to kids, maintaining bonds without hassles of grueling commutes, quality vs quantity time, stepfamily advice, Susan Wisdom questions long commutes, what's best for kids and parents?
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Stepcouple Challenges | 9 Comments »
February 10th, 2010
I want to clarify a few things in my last blog “WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? I understand that many stepmoms are in horrible situations with hostile, invasive, and vindictive ex-spouses, who are trying to ruin their marriages and any relationship they have with the step-kids. It’s impossible to NOT BE OBSESSED with that ex and the painful situation they’re in with her.
I’ve heard terrible stories, and it always upsets me tremendously. These step-moms can only hope for strength, coping skills and time passage to get through it and survive… and sometimes that’s not possible. They can also hope that the love and support from the stepcouple relationship will provide the strength they need.
There’s a huge continuum ranging from the EVIL ex to the perfectly DECENT ex-spouse.
The ex I was referring to in my article is the less invasive one who’s still in the picture because she is the biological mother and co-parent to the kids. They can be okay women but still resented by the step-moms. This resentment is natural as the kids act like, look like and always side with their Mom. I suggest that rather than obsessing over and competing with the mother, they should step aside and surreptitiously build new fresh relationships with the step-kids as they establish themselves as STEP-MOM …a different person in a different role.
I believe there’s plenty of room for healthy parenting and stepparenting in today’s stepfamilies. I believe it takes a “village” in the form of healthy stepfamilies to raise kids today. And I believe “no one has to be the bitch!”
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
February 2010
Tags: building fresh relationships with stepkids, evil exes vs decent exes, step mom is different person in different role, takes villages of healthy stepfamilies to raise kids today
Posted in Dealing with the Other Parent | No Comments »
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