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January 28th, 2010
Have you ever thought about what your stepcouple relationship would be like if you didn’t obsess about the EX? Ever think about the power she (or he) has in your life and the energy she uses? Does your relationship feel more like a threesome than an intimate twosome? Do you find yourselves as a couple colluding in anger against HER (or HIM? And when you look at your stepkids, do you resent how much they look like and act like HER?
If that’s the case, the ex is a DISTANCER and DISTRACTOR in your stepcouple relationship. And you are letting it happen.
The truth is, the EX is yesterday’s news. It’s an old, out of date relationship! Isn’t it time to move on? Time to reconstruct? Now I’m not saying it’s easy or even that you want to. It’s much easier, and it feels much better to be angry at the ex and keep her in a hostile place in your heart. It’s amazing how the stepcouple preys on that negative energy against her. The kids pick up on it and feel torn, confused and angry. No one benefits.
There are many emotional reasons why this is common and hard to change. First there’s jealousy. No new wife or stepmother likes to accept that her partner loved someone else and had a child with HER. That’s a bitter pill. Feeling second fiddle, they have doubts about the strength of the stepcouple’s love and commitment to each other. They also feel inferior because they are not the “real” moms. Stepmoms tend to demonize the ex to feel better about themselves
Another reason why there’s hostility between the stepcouple and the ex is because some exspouses are frankly NOT healthy, happy, or stable people. Many have problems with current life issues and relationships, past and present. Some are unreliable, drug and alcohol affected, angry, and unfulfilled people. Often the new stepcouple bears the brunt of these unresolved emotional problems… sad to say.
I can’t tell you the HORROR STORIES I’ve heard over the years of problems with exes. My job is to help the stepcouple grow in their partnership in spite of the problems with the ex. The stronger the stepcouple, the more support and love they have to raise his, hers and their children. Hopefully over time, the heat and anger with the ex will settle down.
I repeat WHY DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE EX? Is it time to move on and focus on your stepcouple, the kids, and anything else that comes up in today’s stressful world that needs your attention?
Addendum: This is not to say that you should in any way ignore or drop your obligations to preserve the relationship between the ex and her (or his) biological children.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
January 26, 2010
Tags: horror stories about exes, hostile exes, obsession with the ex
Posted in Dealing with the Other Parent, Stepcouple Challenges | 21 Comments »
September 4th, 2009
I was touched but not surprised by Joan Kennedy’s appearance at her ex-spouse’s funeral. She was, after all, married to this man for 25 years and raised 3 children with him. They’ve been divorced for many years – it’s hardly fresh. Hopefully time heals hurts and wounds.
Re: relationships between spouses and ex-spouses –A developmental process
As a counselor I’ve seen everything over the years from complete hostility …don’t even MENTION the exes’ name… to almost communal living of first and second families. It depends on the players, the circumstances and timing.
I believe there’s a developmental process of first dealing with the stress and grief of a failed marriage and then regrouping and restructuring the boundaries. It happened to me. After the shock of my first husband leaving me alone with my kids, it took me a while to GET IT and ADJUST to it. I was deeply hurt and furious with him. I hated him and the woman he left me for.
Then I met David. We fell in love. I was young, naïve and totally idealistic that I could move right in and easily raise his and my kids together. (Thank God, no one today is as naïve and uninformed as I was!) My three stepkids were reeling from the loss of their mother, and they took it out on me. I hated her for dumping her three angry kids in my lap.
The wounds have healed over the years. And yes, I can greet and spend time with our two exes…chat with them, get caught up about old friends and family etc. And yes, I can imagine us both at our exes’ funeral services for our kids’ sake as well as history that started and ended a long time ago. It’s a developmental process.
Susan Wisdom
September 2009
Tags: communicating with the other parent, communication between parents, spending time with the ex spouse
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
May 10th, 2009
Every year it happens. Stepmothers go into emotional turmoil and confusion.  Children naturally and instinctively associate MOTHERHOOD with those women with whom they are biologically, historically, and emotionally connected – women, who delivered them into the world. They are the REAL moms…for better or for worse. But we stepmothers count too, so let’s not forget it!
I once knew a stepmother who visited her stepson at parents’ weekend, freshman year. The boy couldn’t wait to see his stepmom and Dad, and he couldn’t wait to show them his new dorm room. When she walked into the room, the stepmother was surprised to see a large picture of the bio mom displayed on the bookshelf. (Bio mom died when the boy was three, and his father remarried when he was six.) The boy had a fantastic relationship with his SM, one of the best I’ve known. While SM was initially surprised at the picture, she understood it. The family resemblance was striking, and the woman inside the picture frame was legitimately his biological mother. The young college student knew it! So did his stepmother. There was nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of.
There’s something to be learned from this story…
It would be nice if mothers, stepmothers, and stepcouples could take pride in the roles they all play in delivering, caring for, sheltering, educating, disciplining and nurturing the children in their lives – biological, step, or otherwise. It would be nice if everyone could respect their boundaries as well as those of others.
How can Mothers Day be fair and pleasant for everybody? Stepcouples, exes, children and stepchildren should not have to be torn in half over this Hallmark Holiday.
As a stepcouple, how can you do your part?
Susan Wisdom
May 2009
Tags: how to help kids through holidays, kids feeling torn between parents, making mothers day more fun, mothers day as bio mom, mothers day as stepmom
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
October 10th, 2008
 It’s easy to get wrapped up in your own self pity – thoughts about how hard stepcoupling is, resentments and jealousies about the stepchildren, the exes, etc…you know the issues!
But what about the kids? What are they dealing with? Stepcoupling is hard on them too.
The mere fact that their biological parents are no longer together, and one or both parents are with new partners is devastating to kids.
Remarriage doesn’t mean that the kids don’t still love and miss their absent biological parents terribly. Divorce and remarriage is upsetting and confusing to children. Just so you know!
As adults in a stepcouple, you have two areas to concentrate on – one is adjusting to each other as a couple and the other is helping all the children adjust to the loss and changes in their lives.
1. Two things are important for stepcouples to know: As a stepcouple, you should understand each other’s natural ties to their biological children. Parents instinctively protect their children at all costs. If they think their kids are being hurt or in harms way, they’ll do what they need to do to make their kids safe and happy.
2. As a stepcouple, you should also understand that these bonds go both ways. Children are naturally bonded and loyal to their biological parents – present or absent. Children will protect their parents if they think they’re being maligned. Kids need biological parents to witness their growing up. If kids are denied access to parents, their curiosity, concern, and loyalty ramp up. “Absence makes the heart grow stronger.” Take a child away from a parent and watch him (or her) be upset, fall apart, get angry/confused, etc.
Stepcoupling is all about keeping present and former relationships appropriately inclusive, alive and healthy as long as possible for the sake of the children.
I offer some questions as food for thought and discussion in your stepcouple:
- Do the children have healthy access to their biological parents?
- Do they have permission to have a relationship with their absent biological parent without bias?
- Are the biological/child relationships encouraged to stay alive and well over time as much as possible? What part do you play in making that happen? What are the problems and how do you deal with them?
- How do you keep your relationship with your child alive and healthy? How does your partner do the same with his/her children? Are you supportive of each other?
Why is this so important?
I hear in my counseling office countless stories from people who were raised in families where one or both parents were unavailable when they were young and growing up. Sad statements like, “After the divorce, I never saw my father again”, “My mother left the family for another man”, “I was raised by a mean stepfather.” “My parents fought all the time and put me in the middle.” etc, etc. These losses are deep and powerful.
I encourage you to THINK ABOUT THE KIDS and do what’s in their best interest as much as possible. Your children will benefit and so will your stepcouple relationship if you both work toward encouraging positive attitudes and positive relationships between the kids and their parents. Without this effort, the costs can be high.
Is it time for an attitude check and talk with your partner about the kids and what’s best for them?
Susan Wisdom LPC
October, 2008
Tags: communicating with your spouse about the kids, helping children with loss of parent, helping kids with divorce, how to help kids with loss, how to keep all parents involved, relationships with biological children
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Deciding to Remarry, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
April 16th, 2008
During early arguments, I’d hear myself saying, “What were you thinking when you married her?”
Every time I was frustrated with his children, I’d blame his ex for my having to raise their children after she messed them up. The angrier I got, the more I blamed her – never thinking that my husband had a small part in it. After all, it takes two!
I wanted my husband to take my side and collude with me. He rarely did. He told me that he was young and in love at the time. I never liked to hear that. I was angry and insecure and felt like I didn’t belong here. I resented that I wasn’t the first and only in his life, but he wasn’t first in mine either. I had an ex and two kids, but somehow that didn’t bother him so much.
As I grew…as we grew, we became a more solid stepcouple and these angry, jealous feelings about her slowly went away.
How did that happen?
By looking back, as well as listening to stepcouples’ stories in my counseling practice, I understand how peoples’ stories do change over time.
For example, taking my story about her– step by step:
When angry about his ex, I calmed myself down by thinking and talking to a close girlfriend. She gave me some good advice about stepcoupling that hadn’t occurred to me. She told me that stepfamilies take time to adjust to and that in the beginning everyone feels confused and insecure. Over time, I became more confident that this was where I belonged …with the man I loved and with whom I vowed to share my life and co-parent our children.
To quiet my early doubts, I’d glance down at the ring finger on my left hand. I realized that I was the one proudly wearing the wedding band we picked out together. I was the one lying next to him in bed every night. I was the one who got to hear about his day.
Gradually I was getting to know his children and appreciate their qualities. They were beginning to rely on me for what I had to offer them.
I gradually got it that his first wife was clearly out of his life as far as being his wife. I knew he loved me and only me. We had our boundaries clear.
Believe it or not, I began to feel curious and compassionate towards his ex-wife. She was living her life separate from ours. However, she was the mother of his children I was helping him raise. They were genetically related and bonded by love and loyalty. Present or absent, she was a part of my family.
And here’s the amazing part. My husband and I are deeply indebted to our first spouses. We were both recovering from our divorces when we met each other, fell in love, and decided to raise our five children in our stepfamily.
The biggest surprise came at the rehearsal dinner for my stepdaughter’s wedding. There was silence in the room when we saw his ex-wife stand up. She took a deep breath and began her toast. Shaking with emotion, she said “In most families, the children leave home first. In my case, it was different. I left before my children were grown.” She turned to the two of us and thanked us for raising her children after she left home…There was not a dry eye in the room.
And that’s how my story changed.
What’s the story that bothers you? How can you change it by changing yourself -your language, your feelings and behaviors?
Susan Wisdom LPC
April 2008
Tags: creating compassion for the ex, ex-spouses, how family stories can change over time, how to feel about the ex, what to do to feel better about the ex
Posted in Dealing with the Other Parent, Deciding to Remarry, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Taking Care of Yourself | 1 Comment »
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