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July 13th, 2010
 As stepcouples, does it sometimes feel as though other so-called “normal” families are better off? Do you sometimes observe them and feel jealous of the way they appear to interact—to talk and play and laugh—so naturally and comfortably? And, as a result, does this comparison make you feel as though your stepfamily were somehow worse?
I used to watch “normal” families and conclude that they had no problems, and that because my stepfamily was “different,” we were the one with problems. Extended family gatherings gave me plenty of opportunity to envy “normal” families, which always left me feeling depressed, alone, and incompetent.
With few stepfamily models to learn from, we felt alone and uneasy in how to build our stepfamily. And comparing ours to “normal” families didn’t help. But, in time, I learned that there is no such thing as a family that is normal or perfect; that all families face their own unique set of challenges. Comparisons, of course, are only relative to who’s doing the comparing.
Today, now that our five children are grown, some with children of their own, I can look back and appreciate that, while our family has never been “normal,” it is pretty darned great. Life is a journey, after all—for all families. True: the stepcoupling and stepfamily journey is one of the most challenging. But it’s worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears, no matter how “abnormal” and difficult it may seem.
As a stepcouple, can you and your partner think of activities, traditions, or experiences that you particularly cherish in your stepfamily? Anything that puts a smile on your face and makes you happy counts.
Susan Wisdom LPC
July 12, 2010
Please share your experiences and thoughts.
Tags: "normal" families vs. stepfamilies, rewards of stepcoupling, stepcouple challenges, stepcouple journey, stepcoupling, stepfamilies, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | 3 Comments »
May 25th, 2010
We hadn’t been married long when we were invited to a party given by my husband’s old friends. Almost immediately this woman made a fast beeline for me! In a loud voice she asked, “Susan, how’s it going with your new family?” “OK,” I said. She probed deeper… definitely fishing for gossip. She asked me detailed questions about the kids, the ex, what it’s REALLY like… Slowly I crumbled under the pressure. I admitted, “It’s difficult.” She poked around further. I told her way too much! Her parting shot was, “Susan, I don’t understand why you’re having trouble. They’re just kids!” With trembling lip, I found the nearest exit and burst into tears.
SO WHAT HAPPENED HERE? Why did I feel so alone… and misunderstood? Sure, I was in love. But I was also naïve and idealistic… and LOST. I didn’t know what my role was. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be, think, or feel. I hardly knew my stepkids…and yet I was supposed to raise them. Just because I had authority over my kids… didn’t give me authority over his kids.
This is where the rubber hits the road for stepcouples! It was time for us to blaze our own trail… chart a new course that would work for us and our stepfamily. We had to redistribute the power and authority to share appropriately as a stepcouple.
It’s a process… a stepcoupling process… and everyone does it differently.
Stepcouples have to respect the past, but focus on the present and future.
HOW IS THIS DONE?
As a stepcouple, you create a team. You talk… you listen… and HEAR what the other has to say. You talk about goals and values. By being open, you learn from each other. You’re both motivated and responsible to look at the part you play as well as the part your partner plays. As partners, you help each other move into a better pattern of communication and co-parenting. Patience and mutual understanding is key.
As a stepcouple, you respect each other and are curious about your partner’s feelings and opinions. Over time as you get used to each other, you notice slowly that you can be honest. You can be who you are and safely say what you want. You develop a connection, one you can both trust. Habits, laughter, activities, rituals and intimacy are mutually enjoyed.
As a stepcouple, you learn to co-parent by respecting and negotiating each other’s parenting values and styles. You build healthy relationships with each other’s kids as a basis for co-parenting.
All this time you’re building your relationship. Sometimes you argue. Sometimes it’s painful. When stuff comes up, you deal with it. As you both mature in your stepcouple, the defensive walls slowly come down.
When I look back and think of that horrible night with the woman at the party, I shiver. We had a long way to go back then! Somehow we traveled the journey… one day at a time.
It’s all in the process of stepcoupling.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
May 2010
Tags: authority as stepmother, avoiding stepcouple divorce, building strong relationships, communication and respect, developmental journey as stepcouple, marriage failure, patience/understanding as stepcouple, stepcoupling, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
April 29th, 2010
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. As always we had the kids and grandchildren over for dinner. This birthday party was particularly nice. Beautiful day. Potluck so everyone brought goodies. It was peaceful and fun – no fights or hurt feelings. (This may be a first!) Grandkids played with their cousins. The ADULTS…where did the time go!??… sat around, talked about the news, their kids, etc… We joked about family memories we can laugh about now.
It has not always been that way. Like any stepcouple and stepfamily, we had to get here. The only way we made it was by facing our issues and fighting hard to resolve them.
What I’m talking about are those Unresolved Emotional Issues (a.k.a. baggage) that we grew up with and held on to through adolescence and into adulthood. (By the way, it never goes away completely!) The powerful effects of our UEI’s are experienced and played out in our relationships. Their demons come around when we’re in an emotional conflict of some sort. They write the scripts for the roles we play and positions we take. Without even knowing it, our demons rule us – unless or until we address them and change the script.
I grew up with a terrible inferiority complex. In my family of origin, I was never good enough… or even good at all… so I thought. I married young and impulsively. My husband left with me with two kids to raise. After my divorce, I was more sure than ever that I was worthless and unlovable.
I turned right around and married a man with kids who needed to be cared for and raised… by someone.
As a stepcouple, this is where the work on the Unresolved Emotional Issues began. In the beginning of my remarriage, I was completely out of my element. The kids were killing me. I was a failure. I should have never taken this on! Losing the battle, losing control, I WAS ANGRY. Angry at myself, angry at my parents for not raising me better, angry at both our exes, and angry at the kids… blah, blah, blah
On the other hand I loved this man and he loved me back! That alone was the medicine I needed. It was time for me to grow up and take responsibility, rather than blaming others, for my UEI’s… and the power they had over me.
As a stepcouple, my husband and I trusted each other. We were a team. We took it one day at a time, facing what we had to face. Individually and mutually, we dealt with our issues as they came up. We saw a counselor who helped us pinpoint our issues and guide us in the right direction.
This is a developmental process. It can happen only if/when you’re ready to become consciously aware of yourself, including understanding your UEI’s and how they drive you. When you’re ready to understand and address those issues, they no longer hold the power to rule as before. The journey to heal and move on begins here.
I was ready… so was he. We had a job to do which was raising five kids. As I moved into the position of wife, mother and stepmother, I gained confidence. I was finally growing up.
As our stepfamily celebrated Sunday, I was proud and happy. Our kids are married and have families of their own. They have their kids to raise and hurdles to overcome, I’m sure… just as we did. But that’s not my business. I’m off duty now!
Some guidelines to think about when you want to understand and communicate with your partner better. (It’s always a good idea to think before you spout! It’s helpful to keep a journal too.)
As a stepcouple, what do you need? What does your partner need? What are your stepcoupling issues?
In the meantime …
- Take an honest look at who you are and what your UEIs are. (Unresolved Emotional Issues) How do those issues play out in your relationships with your partner, your kids… stepkids…others?
- Ask yourself what you want in your stepcouple relationship. What are you willing to give and receive from your partner?
- Look for familiar patterns that get in the way of your happiness and fulfillment.
- Develop the art of self-awareness and communication. Be willing to talk with, listen to and hear your partner. Be curious and respectful with each other.
- Do you know how to please your partner? Does he know what pleases you?
- Does your partner bring out the best…or the worst… in you?
- How do you handle conflict? Are your styles similar or different from each other? Does that cause problems? What about parenting styles?
For more info about unresolved emotional issues and how they play out in stepcoupling, I suggest that you read Chapter 7 of my book, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family. Three Rivers Press, 2002. It’s available on Amazon.com.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
Tags: baggage from past, blended family conflicts, child rearing as stepcouple, children growing up in blended families, communication as a stepcouple, curiosity and respect in stepcouple, dealing with exes, family of origin issues, marriage as first priority, self-awareness, stepcoupling, stepfamily journey, Susan Wisdom, Unresolved Emotional Issues in stepcoupling
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | 3 Comments »
April 19th, 2010
Have you ever been in a store and seen an outfit that you just have to have. It’s sexy, gorgeous, your favorite color… and perfect for the party this weekend. You want to be a knockout! You try it on. It’s not a perfect fit and it’s really not your style. You buy it anyway because this strong feeling makes you do it. You ignore the voice that says “Don’t… it’s not you!”
We all do this. I can’t you tell how many outfits, pieces of jewelry, shoes, and junk I bought impulsively because I thought I wanted them. Only to find out later I was dead wrong.
It isn’t so bad if you can bag up those mistakes and donate them to your favorite charity or sell them at a garage sale. But what if you impulsively pick a person to fall in love with. Like any impulsive attraction, it feels good. We all know the seductive quality of thinking you’re falling in love. You just have to have him. It happens most when you’re lonely… and he’s available. He’s handsome, has a job, money, etc. Oh, and by the way, he has kids from his previous relationship. You brush that off and convince yourself it’ll be fine. You can handle it. You seal the deal and partner up!
You may be lucky enough to grow nicely into this impulsive find and even love him. The very lucky ones adjust to each other, to each other’s kids, exes, and do fine. I assure you, it happens.
But many don’t. Impulsive partnerships often end badly. They can be avoided by honest self-awareness of who you are and what you want. Be a smart shopper! It’s your life… so think about what kind of person you want to be with. Prioritizing your wishes will help you avoid impulsive picks. Be conscious and alert in social situations when temptation is all around. Always ask yourself – what’s right for you, what fits and what doesn’t. Know your strengths and weaknesses, so you don’t set yourself up for failure. With people you’re attracted to and tempted to take it further, do a reality check! Who is he, who are you… and what chance do you have to build a good relationship together. Those questions may stir up concerns that can save you from disaster down the road.
You should be looking for red flags and signs of warnings to stay away. If the list of negatives is too long and the red flags are waving, ask yourself, “Should I pass on this one?” Trust your instincts. Before pledging your love, be honest with yourself… when you still can be. Get some distance. Take your time. Visualize and imagine what it would be like being a stepmom to his kids. Do you know what broke up his first marriage? What is the custody/visitation arrangement with the ex?
You may think this is a whole lot of roadblocks to the natural process of falling in love… and accepting that romantic proposal. You’re right. But this processing is the best tool against impulsive choices. (It’s best, of course, if both people are forthright and honest and willing to ask the tough questions.)
If your feelings for each other are healthy and strong, and if you’re up to the challenges of stepcoupling, you can consciously rather than impulsively make the decision to go for it… and stay in it for the long haul.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
April 2010
Coming next:
For stepcouples who are struggling, I’ll offer some ideas on how to address the issues and questions for both partners to think about. For example, what were you thinking then? And now? How far apart are you? What would it take for both of you to mend the rift? And what are you willing to ask of yourself and of your partner?
Tags: avoiding marriage failure, choosing a partner impulsively, choosing poorly, choosing well, decision making, divorce, falling in love, lucky ones, remarriage, stepcouple partnerships, stepcoupling, stepdads, stepmoms, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Taking Care of Yourself | 1 Comment »
April 2nd, 2010
Stepfamily chaos. We all know about it. We’re talking about problems with exspouses, spoiled kids who aren’t disciplined, stepkids who are openly rude, exes who brainwash their kids, teenaged stepchildren, money problems, sibling and stepsibling rivalry … It’s endless. It’s painful. As a counselor I’ve heard some sad, and incredibly frustrating stories. And yet somehow stepcouples make it through and live to a ripe old age …together. How do they do it?
What does it take? It takes resiliency, thick skin, luck (to have found each other), patience and love. It takes a strong bond. It takes two people who accept each other for who they are -baggage and all- and are willing to make the necessary stepfamily sacrifices. No one can control everything that happens in stepcoupling and stepfamilies. But for the ones who survive, they survive by supporting, listening to, and helping each other through every crisis. They do it by loving their partners even if and when they’re in miserable situations. Somehow they KNOW that nothing will break them up. They’re right because nothing can! They’re a team, a force…a stepcouple. They’re willing to go the extra mile for their stepcouple relationship and their stepfamily…end of story!
They’re lucky in their absolute determination that they want each other. Furthermore they need each other to get through their difficult challenges. They’re resilient. They have the ability to not let the anger, resentments and jealousy re: kids and exes destroy their commitment. They fell in love, chose each other and darn it! they deserve to be together in spite of what the kids and ex think about it! They’re fighters. They’re determined to stay in their stepcouple relationship no matter what it takes.
I remember when my husband and I were a young stepcouple going through difficult times in the early years. It never occurred to us that we would split up. We never even came close. But that doesn’t mean that we weren’t at our wits end. We never threatened each other with thoughts of divorce. That was the last thing from our minds.
I’d see my husband drive up to the house after working a busy day. He’d sit in his car listening to the radio before getting the courage to come inside. He was afraid he’d get blasted with complaints about the kids. ( It was a legitimate fear.) I had days also when I didn’t know how I could survive. Like the day I read my stepdaughter’s diary. OMG, the things she said about me! (Advice to stepmoms: Don’t do it. You’ll only be hurt.)
In stepcoupling, how do you know when you have that strong bond? You know because there aren’t huge walls separating you. You know because you deeply care about each other. There is respect and trust. You know because you can reach out to each other, talk without fear of recrimination and ask for help with what troubles you. You know because during angry talks about kids and exes you will be safe. You may not always be happy but you will not be mentally or physically insulted or abused. You know because you are a devoted stepcouple.
Tags: connecting with your spouse, couple communication, demanding exes and kids, growing together -not apart, keeping marriage strong, luck, overcoming challenges in marriage, patience, resiliency, stepcouple bond, stepcouple journey, sticking together, surviving stepcouplng chaos, Susan Wisdom, thick skin, trust and respect
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | 1 Comment »
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