"Ms. Wisdom, I was compelled to find your email address and say 'thank you' from the bottom of my heart for writing such a wonderfully helpful book. I am going into my 8th year in a stepcouple (husband has two boys) and have yearned for the insight, clarity and support that you have given in StepCoupling. I know that I have FINALLY found a resource that really makes sense to me. Thank you!" From a reader
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October 5th, 2009
A man and a woman sat in my waiting room. When I ushered them into my office they sat obediently on the couch. They sat as far away from each other as they possibly could. They wouldn’t look at each other. They hadn’t talked for a week or two. Somehow I was able to get some information from them. It all started over a Sunday afternoon fight between his daughter and her daughter. His daughter accused her daughter of “telling a lie” and “getting her into trouble”. Both girls complained to their bio parent. The parents got hooked and took sides defending their own child and accusing the other of hideous behavior. Each bio parent stuck up for his or her child. Each blamed their partner for the spoiled, devious child he/she and the ex-spouse raised.
I sat and witnessed this stepcouple deteriorate to nastiness in front of my very eyes. Words flew out of their mouths and insults were slung… until I put a stop to it.
Both were angry, sad, and hurting, for certain. They didn’t know what to do. They were stuck and had reached a painful impasse. What a far cry from those happier times when they couldn’t stay away from each other. The question was “will/can they get it back”?
That depends on a lot of things. First, do they want it? Are they willing to do what they have to do in order to stop pitting the kids against each other and to stop putting the kids in the middle of their relationship. Nothing poisons and splits a relationship faster than “your kid is a liar, a loser, a brat” etc. Now I don’t mean to minimize the stab to a parent’s heart to hear criticism of their child. But, if you are a stepcouple, aren’t you supposed to be uniting as a team, understanding each other and each other’s kids, and offering up ways to reduce the tension and competition? Aren’t you supposed to be acting like “big people,” adults, and grown ups?
Here’s an opportunity for the stepcouple to stand up together and demonstrate to the kids that they (the kids) have to take some responsibility to get along in the stepfamily. Make it clear that every child belongs and deserves respect. The parents are not there to protect and bail out their kid at the first sign of conflict but they are there to smooth out and develop healthy stepsibling relationships They are also there to lead in a process of solving problems effectively. Ironically if the parents loosen their protective, possessive grip on their kids, (often motivated by guilt) the kids have a better chance of figuring out these new relationships and dealing with them.
As always, the more stepcouples can do to strengthen and stabilize their relationship, the more they can give to their mutual children and the more secure everyone can feel in the stepfamily.
Susan Wisdom LPC
October 2009
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with Ex-Spouses, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship | No Comments »
September 23rd, 2009
All right! I’ll be honest with you. SOME REMARRIAGES DON’T WORK.  They’re painful and often they don’t last long. The divorce rate for remarriage where children are involved is probably over 60%. (It’s hard to get a consistent statistic on this.)
There are many things that push stepcouples to early divorce. Marrying too quickly due to loneliness and fear of being alone is a common mistake. Some marry people they had affairs with, therefore going immediately from the frying pan into the fire with no recovery period. Most of the experts say it takes from two to three years to recover from a separation and divorce. People need time to unravel from the previous relationship. They need to understand what went wrong.
People need to recognize and deal with the sadness, guilt and anger over the previous marriage failure. This period is an emotional roller coaster. They also need to build new relationships with their children as single parents. These are all the necessary tasks and challenges in moving from divorce to a successful stepcouple relationship… later on.
Unfortunately people make precipitous, uninformed decisions about remarrying. Love, of course, is a powerful drug. People get wrapped up with new partners in many ways – love, power, sex, looks, intellect, money, beautiful house, good cook, good dancer…you name it. It all feels so good. They have no idea what they’re getting into. They make promises they can’t keep.
I’ve seen many such stepcouples. When they finally come to my office it’s clear that they have little in common. They’re struggling with stepkids, there’s resentment and guilt all over the place, and they’re blaming each other for all of it. It’s like her and her kids VS him and his kids in one house. I’ve seen houses partitioned off – his kids stay in the basement rec area, her kids can come upstairs and hang out with Mom. The stepcouple is either actively fighting or exercising the silent treatment. They SAY they love each other very much, and during their weekends off with no children, they get back together and have a swell time. But their styles, values, and relationships are clearly in conflict.
It’s my belief that stepcouples’ overwhelming attraction with each other (aka blind love) can keep them from talking honestly and openly, asking important questions, and really learning about each other in deep and important ways.
Note: For those of you out there who can relate to this article, it’s not too late to start talking and listening to each other. Be curious and be respectful. See what happens. You might be surprised.
Post your comments.
Susan Wisdom, LPC
September 2009
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship | No Comments »
August 19th, 2009
Recently I went to the wedding of Joyce’s youngest stepson, the last of four children to get married. Joyce is a HERO in every sense of the word.
Divorced as a young mother and later widowed in her second marriage, she raised her two-bio kids along with her two stepkids by herself. It wasn’t easy, but she’s always been strong and committed to her family. That says a whole lot about who Joyce is and how she was raised.
Stepfamilies are different. They have their own set of problems – problems that come out of grief, sadness and loss in their lives. Joyce’s kids had more than their fair share of losses. They, like others, acted out their anger and grief by being rebellious at home and school and later choosing bad friends and activities. Frankly, they were horrible at times. They made poor choices… to say the least. Kids in stepfamilies are often troublemakers.
Over the years, Joyce hung in there. She raised her kids by holding them accountable and disciplining them with consistency and love. She never gave up, although I know at times she was at her wits end. She took good care of all of them. She didn’t play favorites nor did she reject the particularly challenging ones. She exemplified the expression “when the going gets tough, the tough get going!
Slowly but surely, the kids settled down and grew up. They were smart kids, so when they stopped acting out, they began to focus on more positive activities like sports, science, debate. One of them was valedictorian in his class. Things got better over time. Joyce was determined to provide a healthy environment for the kids, and she did.
The wedding was a joyful event. Everyone celebrated and toasted Joyce’s family. But Joyce was the real star in everyone’s eyes. She is the quintessential mom/stepmom who unselfishly devoted herself to her stepfamily without the support of a partner to rely on. All of her children are very lucky and THEY KNOW IT. They are supremely grateful and happy.
Susan Wisdom, LPC
Author, Stepcoupling
August 2009
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family | No Comments »
July 26th, 2009
I’ve been meaning to make a public statement about the subtitle of my book, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family. I severely regret the use of the term “blended family”. When I found out that my publisher had subtitled my book in this way, I strongly objected. I was told that the cover had already been printed, and it was too late to change it.
As a spokesperson for stepfamilies, this nomenclature, TODAY’S BLENDED FAMILIES, has always been a source of embarrassment for me.
All of us in stepfamilies know there is no natural blending. The issues are universal, ie. insiders and outsiders, biological parenting vs. stepparenting, competition for attention and position, etc. Stepfamily life is anything but BLENDED.
In the text of my book, readers will not see the term “blended family”. It was never my intention to mislead my readers with this false expectation. I regret this decision made by my publishing company.
Susan Wisdom, LPC
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family | No Comments »
July 3rd, 2009
 It had been years since I had been to my hometown, Berkeley, California where I grew up. I decided it was time to revisit.
My husband and I set off for a three week road trip in our car packed with CD’s, picnic goodies, and a rough idea of what, where and who to visit. We had several dates set up with friends and family. In Ashland we saw two plays. Further down the road we spend the night with old friends in Mt. Shasta who I hadn’t seen in years.
Berkeley was next. I was excited and anxious at the same time. What would people think about me after all these years, what would I think of them. Where would I fit in? I’ve certainly aged, you know. Crossing the border from Oregon to California, I became acutely aware of the brown hills, oak trees and eucalyptus. My senses were stimulated with smells and sights, which were so familiar. The emotional buttons of my childhood and youth were definitely being activated.
You see, I was the younger of two daughters in my family. My sister was the favored one. Sally was smart, quick, athletic, and she and my parents were a threesome. I came along three years later. My parents were hoping for a son. I was born premature, wrong sex, slow to learn, and awkward. I had a hard time finding a place in my family. That’s my story anyway.
Of course I’ve grown up since then. I’ve visited, revisited and changed my story a million times. But a story is a story, and it has staying power. Certainly going back home activates the childhood story and feelings.
While I was in Berkeley on this trip, I had the opportunity to visit my old house where I grew up. I was shocked to see how poorly maintained it was. I rang the doorbell and a very nice lady let me in to have a look. Surprisingly it was basically the same as I left it. I saw my old bedroom, the kitchen and dining room where everything happened. Yes, my old feelings came back a bit – small and weak, fearful, and lonely. But this time it was different. Curiously I was able to understand and rise above those old and tired feelings that don’t apply today. I’ve done my work through the years to understand myself – past and present and to appreciate the strength I gained from growing up in my family of origin.
My sister and I spent two days together reminiscing and playing the “Do you remember game?” It’s not surprising that her memories are different from mine. We both however share some warm memories…like the summer vacations at my grandmother’s mountain lake, listening to the radio and watching TV together, laughing at inside jokes, etc. Rather than dwelling on the bad feelings of the past, I’m eternally grateful for overcoming my challenges, creating my own journey and moving on.
When was the last time you visited your family of origin, either in real life or in imagination? Are you able to claim the good parts and move on from the not so good ones?
Feel free to create your own journey whether it’s a couple, stepcouple, stepfamily or any other relationship…free from negative influences from the past.
Happy Fourth of July!
Susan Wisdom,LPC
July, 2009
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship | No Comments »
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