Two different stories of early angst:

We loved having our mom all to ourselves before she remarried. It was just the 3 of us. We were close.

After the marriage, everything changed. Sometimes we’d get her to ourselves, but more often than not she was with him and our stepsiblings. Whenever anything went wrong in our stepfamily, our mom had to put out the fire. That was her job. She had to care for and support everyone, which meant spending precious time away from us. We got a raw deal!

…from 2 biological sons

Some days being with my stepdaughter was great! We’d talk, laugh, and make up stories. I’d get swept up into feelings that we were connected. We liked each other. It felt like family. But when my husband came home, it was all over. I immediately got the cold shoulder. I felt awkward and left out. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I’d usually go into the kitchen to cook or clean counter tops. That’s where I belonged.

.…from a stepmom

While the adjustment pains are hard, fortunately you learn as you go along. And so does everyone else in the family. If only I knew then what I know now!

With the gift of hindsight, I offer tips and strategies to deal with the adjustment pains:

• Parenting and stepparenting is not a popularity contest. Just because stepkids turn a cold shoulder doesn’t mean you’re a failure, a bad stepparent, not doing your job well, or not likable. It probably means they’re angry, sad, confused and they’ll get over it in time. Let it go.

• Continue to get to know your stepchildren and visa versa. Don’t be scared and overeactive if they lash out. Remember they’re adjusting too. Deal with the problem(s) appropriately at a good time when reason and logic can be applied.

• Allow time with your own biological children to bond and to help them with their adjustment pains and losses.

• Encourage spouses to make a point to include each other in the parents-children dyads. Hugs and kisses all around when they walk through the door. Don’t leave anyone out.

• Do your work to be the best parent-stepparent-spouse you can be. Provide a positive role model, be fair, and take the high road as often as you can.

• Take care of yourself, so you can work on the above in a healthy way.

While stepcoupling and stepparenting is the most challenging script you’ll ever take on, it can also be the most rewarding. One day at a time–you have the opportunity to build a new family that everyone can grow into and learn to feel comfortable in.

What are your hardest adjustment pains? Who in your family is adjusting well, and who is having problems fitting in and feeling comfortable? How can you understand and help them?

Susan Wisdom, LPC
May 2008

Cinderella, fatherless child, was raised by an angry widowed stepmother with two overly indulged daughters of her own. Cinderella was cast aside as a servant girl who could do no right. Who knew or cared anything about her situation? No one. It’s just the way it was then. Suck it up!

When I married into a stepfamily with five children years ago, I sort of had to suck it up too. There was one book on the subject of stepfamilies by Emily and John Visher, founders of the stepfamily movement as we know it today. The Vishers were in a stepfamily, and they knew the challenges. They were the first to address the elephant and bring the subject out of the closet. We’ve come a long way since then!

What I remember as a young mom and stepmom, was how LONELY I was. Everyone around me had “normal” families. Everyone naturally loved their own children, who called them, “Mom and Dad”. My family was different.

I couldn’t go to my friends and explain how frustrated I was with my stepchildren. They didn’t understand. They COULDN’T understand because it’s so different from their experiences in nuclear families. Those of us in stepfamilies had to “pretend” that our family was just a regular family.

Today it’s different. The research says that one in three people in America have, are, or will experience being in a stepfamily sometime in their lives. We are no longer in denial and avoidance. There are many good books on stepcoupling, stepparenting, stepchildren, blended families, etc. My book, Stepcoupling, is now out in eBook for easy reading - Click here for details. In some communities, there are even support groups and stepfamily classes. It’s a grassroots movement.

Just think… if Cinderella’s stepmother had been better informed, Cinderella wouldn’t have had to sneak out of the house to meet her Prince Charming. The young girl would have been included in the family carriage and driven to the ball properly. OK, so maybe she wouldn’t have met PC, but she would have been a happier young girl growing up.

How are you educating yourself and supporting other stepcouples and stepfamilies?

Have you thought of starting a small support group?

Susan Wisdom LPC

March 2008

Young or new stepfamilies are not usually easy, warm or fun places to be. The kids are reeling from the losses in their lives and trying to adjust. So are the adults. Let’s face it – nobody plans on divorce and remarriage!

New stepfamilies are anything but cohesive. There’s little familiarity or trust between the insiders and outsiders - the biologically tied and the “strangers” who are joining in. Everyone feels pretty protective and defensive of what’s theirs and what’s not.

How do you bridge the gap and break down the barriers? How can adults reach out to stepchildren and still maintain the close ties with their biological children? How do you bring people together in stepfamilies?

It’s easier than you think.

Here are some ideas I’ve learned in my own family or from people I’ve seen in my office:

Lighten up - Develop a family sense of humor and LAUGH together. In my family we had one son who had the gift of being able to completely crack us all up with his sense of humor. We’d sit at the dining room table laughing hysterically at one of his one liners. His jokes became our jokes.

Provide ways for the kids to play together - Provide games, musical instruments and space for them to put on talent shows, singing and dance performances, skits, and puppet shows, etc These special memories will last forever. One rainy Sunday, our children spent hours making over my 14 year old son into a very feminine young lady! We got pictures of that one.

Establish and then be consistent with family traditions - Find special ways to celebrate birthdays and holidays. Involve the family in sports activities …or anything you can think of that your family would enjoy in particular. Remember the favorite events and activities so you can repeat them.

Provide food that everyone loves. Nothing does it better than feeding a hungry family.It can range from picking up pizza or spending the whole day in the kitchen cooking.

It’s up to you, the adult stepcouple, to reach out and provide the glue that brings your new stepfamilies together - slowly but surely. Try to include all the children – even the shy and reluctant ones. Over time, you’ll look back and remember the sweet times when good things happened.

What’s the glue in your family?

Susan Wisdom LPC
February 2008

It’s half way through the first semester, and problems are already surfacing over school performance differences in her children vs. his child.

Her two daughters are excellent students - always have been. They’re active in sports, get almost straight A’s and even have time left to text message or chat on their cells. Yeah, they’re high achievers - PERFECT kids!

His son is far from perfect in school. He hates school and is lucky to make C’s. He rarely takes time to do his homework. He’s very popular and has tons of friends. People like him, but school is not his thing.

The weeks when the son visits his Dad, stepmom, and stepsisters, there’s tension. The standards for school performance are high in that house. There’s constant arguing between the stepcouple. The stepmom, angry and impatient, begs her husband to “Do something! Just go into his room and make him do his homework. I don’t understand what’s so hard about that. He’s just lazy.”

Dad says “I don’t think homework is all that important. I think there are more important things in life. I never did homework as a boy and look how successful I am.” They throw barbs back and forth about “her perfect kids” vs “his social kid” who likes to play and hates homework.” And so it goes.

Both are angry and frustrated, and the kids are feeling the pressure.

The truth is, it’s unreasonable to put kids - biological and stepchildren- all in one basket and raise them exactly the same. They’re not the same. These children have different genes and temperaments and different upbringings. And the parents who raised them have different values and styles about child rearing, including schoolwork.

Stepcouples need to approach it differently - raise the level of communication and understanding. As a stepcouple, they should develop a process of learning more about each other and more about each other’s kids. It’s not about forcing a partner to just do it your way but rather about talking and listening to each other about their kids’ different strengths and weaknesses.

Stepcouples: Have a conversation about how schoolwork was dealt with in the family you grew up in. Was school a place where you excelled or did you hate school? Did you have supportive parents to help you? Did you live in a family where homework and grades were highly valued, or were other things more important - like sports, music, or working outside the house. Also share your stories of how children were raised in your previous family. How was school handled there? And finally talk honestly about individual kid’s needs and how you can support them. Some kids need to be dragged out of the library and introduced into group activities; others need to be dragged into a quiet place away from friends, cell phones, and distractions. Certainly if there are problems with learning disabilities, ADHD, or other barriers to school success, you need to address them with the school.

The point is to get to the place where the stepcouple unites to understand and support the individual children in their stepfamily. Delete unrealistic expectations that don’t fit a child’s needs or capabilities and encourage new expectations that the child can fulfill successfully. Then praise him BIG TIME.

Are your expectations about each others kids reasonable and realistic?

Susan Wisdom LPC
October 2007

The wedding had its problems. Her 15 year old daughter nearly didn’t show up and pretty much sulked her way through the reception. She was not a happy bridesmaid! The bride and groom were nervous wrecks. And after the wedding, his 7 year old son cried all night because he thought his father was leaving him forever.

The first 18 months in their blended family were stressful. The kids clung to their bio parents ignoring their new stepparents as much as possible. The parents felt torn between their unhappy kids and their new spouses who they just vowed to love, honor, and support for better or for worse. This felt pretty worse to them!

Congratulations and welcome to stepcoupling!

Sound familiar? It should because this is a fairly typical picture of early stepcoupling. . It’s a tough adjustment for the adults as well as the kids. But, this couple is lucky because they were strong enough to sooth each other and pull the family through the challenges. Their love and energy paved the way to build healthy relationships…over time… with all the kids in their family combined family – his, hers, and theirs.

What this new stepcouple had in their favor:

• They loved each other.
• They were a couple, which, meant they were in it for the long haul for themselves and for the kids.
• They depended on each other for support, encouragement and advise
• They got alone time together, which they took full advantage of.
• They always kept talking and didn’t allow bad feelings or distance to build up.

After their nerve wracking wedding, this stepcouple rolled up their sleeves and got to work on creating their marriage and their stepfamily that would work for them.

Fifteen years later, they’re still a solid stepcouple.

What strengths do you have to get through difficult times?

Susan Wisdom LPC
October 2007