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July 28th, 2010
If you’ve ever wished you could ask a real expert your most important questions about step-life, now is your chance! Please join me and other well known panelists this Thursday! You won’t want to miss this incredible opportunity, sponsored by StepMom Magazine.
Thursday, July 29th
11 am to 4 pm EST
On StepMom Magazine’s Facebook Page
Asking your most important questions couldn’t be easier! Simply:
1. Visit the StepMom Magazine Facebook Page
2. Post your question on their wall
3. Panelists will respond with comments to your questions throughout the day
Visit the StepMom Magazine site for more information.
I am really excited about this unique opportunity to help so many stepfamilies. I look forward to “seeing” you there!
Tags: help for stepfamilies, self help for stepcouples, stepcoupling resources
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
July 21st, 2010
Too often, as a struggling stepparent, it’s easy to lose yourself in self-pity, resentment and jealousy—and, amid it all, forget what the kids are enduring.
Grappling with the separation of their biological parents—not to mention also adjusting to the idea that one or both parents now have new partners—is a devastating process for the children.
Yes, it is important that you focus on your new relationship, as a stepcouple, to provide a strong foundation for the whole stepfamily. But it is of equal importance that you maintain awareness and compassion for the kids, who must now suffer against the absence of a biological parent.
Rather than compete with the loyalty children can’t help but feel toward the now-absent bio-parent, strive to understand, with consciousness and empathy, its significance.
Children are naturally bonded to their biological parents—present or absent. Kids will protect their parents unconditionally and interminably, as if by instinct. Nonsensical as it may seem, this sort of loyalty only grows with the bio-parent’s absence.
Understand that this is natural. It can be easy to see this as unfair—after all, you’re the one who does all the work and provides the support. Still, the biological bond cannot be broken. All you can do is support the kids through the anger, sadness and confusion they’re bound to feel at the loss of a bio-parent.
How, specifically, can you do this? I encourage awareness of just how deep and powerful these losses are—think about the kids and, whenever possible, do what’s in their best interest. That will always serve you well.
Stepcoupling is all about keeping present and former relationships appropriately inclusive and alive for as long as is feasible and healthy, allowing the kids to make their own decision as they mature.
What relationships can you keep alive and well in your family, biological and otherwise?
I’ve posed the following questions for guidance:
- Do the children have access to their biological parents?
- Do they have permission to have a relationship with their absent biological parent without bias?
- What part do you play in making that happen? And what obstacles do you face?
- As a stepcouple, how do you encourage and support each other when frustration, resentment and anger take over?
Tags: biological parent/child bonds, helpful questions for stepparents, kids' natural loyalties, preserving first and second family bonds, remarried families, stepcoupling, stepfamily and stepcouple support, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
July 13th, 2010
 As stepcouples, does it sometimes feel as though other so-called “normal” families are better off? Do you sometimes observe them and feel jealous of the way they appear to interact—to talk and play and laugh—so naturally and comfortably? And, as a result, does this comparison make you feel as though your stepfamily were somehow worse?
I used to watch “normal” families and conclude that they had no problems, and that because my stepfamily was “different,” we were the one with problems. Extended family gatherings gave me plenty of opportunity to envy “normal” families, which always left me feeling depressed, alone, and incompetent.
With few stepfamily models to learn from, we felt alone and uneasy in how to build our stepfamily. And comparing ours to “normal” families didn’t help. But, in time, I learned that there is no such thing as a family that is normal or perfect; that all families face their own unique set of challenges. Comparisons, of course, are only relative to who’s doing the comparing.
Today, now that our five children are grown, some with children of their own, I can look back and appreciate that, while our family has never been “normal,” it is pretty darned great. Life is a journey, after all—for all families. True: the stepcoupling and stepfamily journey is one of the most challenging. But it’s worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears, no matter how “abnormal” and difficult it may seem.
As a stepcouple, can you and your partner think of activities, traditions, or experiences that you particularly cherish in your stepfamily? Anything that puts a smile on your face and makes you happy counts.
Susan Wisdom LPC
July 12, 2010
Please share your experiences and thoughts.
Tags: "normal" families vs. stepfamilies, rewards of stepcoupling, stepcouple challenges, stepcouple journey, stepcoupling, stepfamilies, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | 3 Comments »
June 15th, 2010
If you always do what you did… you’ll always get what you got.
(Old Southern expression)
There’s no place where this is more evident than in stepcoupling. If you’re doing the same crummy things over and over, repeating the same fights, feeling the same bad feelings…you’re stuck with what you got.
Do you ever think that it’s time to change? Do you ever think that you could play a part… like maybe changing yourself and your behaviors?
Being in a stepcouple and stepfamily is a perfect opportunity for self-awareness and change. Stepcoupling is not for wimps or weaklings… but rather the strong and brave. In stepcoupling, you have a fresh chance to move forward from the past, take responsibility for who you are and what you want to develop in your stepfamily. In stepcoupling, you’re given a chance to stand up to the plate and change – a chance to build new relationships with yourself… your spouse…your stepchildren…your own children… even your ex-spouse.
Seize the opportunity!
If you find that your fights only lead to anger, blaming, and jealousy, back off and take a look. Experiment with a new view and approach. Start with having a conversation with yourself. Reflect back on the reasons you fell in love and agreed to partner up as a stepcouple.
Think about what you thought it would be like and compare it to what it is. I’m sure your complaints have to do with kids and stepkids, problems with interfering exes, not enough time together…and who knows what else. We’ve all been there! The honeymoon is over and reality presents itself on a daily basis. This is the time to build and normalize the relationship you want.
Think about you and your partner as a stepcouple team. How do you want that partnership to be? With love…aka attraction, sex, need, compatibility… as the glue that sealed the deal in the first place…how do you keep that connective glue working for you? Your goal should be to build an effective …and loving… day-to-day working stepcouple team?
In developing a working partnership, you begin with effective communication skills. You talk calmly and openly because this is the only way your partner will be able to listen, stay and respond. (If you’re angry and blaming, he’ll react with a fight or flight reaction for sure!) You set the pace. As a stepcouple, you want to be able to hear, understand, respect and depend on each other now… and in the future.
Let’s be honest! While staying calm and open is important in stepcoupling, it’s also very hard to do. Emotional buttons get pushed easily with all the challenges in stepfamilies… stepkids driving you crazy, difficult exes, child support payments that stress beyond belief. There’s always something that pushes you to the limits.
And when that happens, WHO do you want to listen and sooth you, calm you down, and love you through it? Answer: you want your partner to be there for you! If the stepcouple can learn to support and be there for each other, everyone will benefit…adults as well as the kids.
Set the stage by practicing these positive behaviors in your stepcouple relationship. When it works, enjoy the results. When disappointed, don’t give up. Keep trying.
Don’t wait and hope for others to change. The change can start with you.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
June 2010
Tags: breaking old patterns, creating positive behaviors, making the first move, new relationship strategies
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
May 10th, 2010
Last week I spent four days in the Bay Area at my high school reunion. What a trip!! My school was a small girls school with 45 graduating in our class. Six have passed away. Twenty-two of us showed up. There was one formal event but many opportunities to be with our close friends over the weekend. It was exhausting!!
Off the plane, a friend met me. We drove to her gorgeous home in Berkeley. Beautiful day. There were seven of us at lunch. Didn’t take long to flashback to what seemed like just yesterday. So many memories! The words most heard were “Do you remember…? Recalling people, places and events was the deal. Revisiting the past and reconnecting with old friends… we never let up!
Those high school years were powerful times. As young girls, we spent all our time together. (No boys to distract us.) We competed with each other, got into trouble, and laughed our way through the boredom. We got drunk for the first time together, slept over at each others’ houses, drove in each others’ family cars… studied hard and played hard. Then we graduated and dispersed.
What I remember the most was spending the night at my friends’ houses. I got the dubious prize for having slept overnight at the most houses during those years. Apparently I was not happy at home.
I must have been a budding family therapist way back then because I can remember everything about my friends’ families… to this day. I can describe their houses, the people living there and how they acted as a family. I can tell you who the nice mothers were and who you wanted to stay away from… who drank too much… what the fathers were like… who asked too many questions – who you just didn’t feel good/safe around.
Some vivid memories with valuable lessons were:
- Sally’s family was my favorite. Good people – warm, friendly, always made me feel comfortable. Mealtimes at her house were just like the family TV shows we watched back then.
- Marsha’s mother drove me crazy. She always wanted to be our pal. She giggled with us and asked way too many questions. None of her business! Felt yucky… aka inappropriate boundaries
- Betsy’s mother had a serious drinking problem. That was embarrassing. Poor Betsy. We felt sorry for her.
- Fran’s mother was mean to her. She was also a terrible driver. You didn’t want to be in her car.
- I really liked Judy’s father because he helped me tell my parents that I wrecked the car. He also told my parents that he found a cheap door to replace the wrecked one. He was great!
- There was only one stepfamily in the group. Nice people who were doing just fine… so it seemed from the outside. (What did we know back then?)
As I said… this was a very long time ago. We were sheltered, young and naïve.
It’s a different culture today. Regardless of culture, the truth is that today’s stories form tomorrow’s memories.
What will your kids and their friends say about you and your family at their class reunions? What stories will they tell? Think about both the good… and the not so good. You can then talk about it as a stepcouple, if it’s appropriate.
(Names and details in this story have been changed to protect privacy.)
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
May 2010
Tags: class reunion, different culture today, families then and now, friendship, growing up in Berkeley, high school memories, making memories, significance of memories, stepcoupling, stepmoms raising children, stepmothers, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family | 2 Comments »
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