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October 18th, 2011
As a companion to my book, this blog is a platform for me to share resources, tools, and inspiration with readers in all stages of stepcoupling. I’ve shared a lot of my personal experiences and lessons I learned as a stepmother. In the next phase of the blog, I’m going to shift perspectives a bit and share some clinical experiences (stripped of any identifying information, or course) that I think readers will find helpful.
So much of what stepcouples experience is normal, and universal…but bitterly painful at times. Yet it’s hard to talk about it with friends, family, and people in the workplace. First, they wouldn’t understand, and second, it’s shameful and embarrassing.
The realities of each stepfamily are unique and complex—we cannot compare our family relationships with other “normal” families. The presence of children and spouses from previous marriages push our buttons beyond belief. Add to that those personal issues that get in our way of building healthy relationships. My goal as a clinician has always been to grant people permission to be honest and open in evaluating their reality. I’ve seen clients in all kinds of marriages/partnerships… that’s just the way it is!
The practice of candid self-assessment is an ongoing one. I hope the stories I will share in the coming months will help readers reflect on their own behavior and the dynamics of their marriage and their parenting. Check the blog in two weeks or so.
Susan Wisdom MA
October 2011
Tags: clinical help for stepcouples, new perspective, stepcouple examples, stepfamily examples, stepfamily therapist, the voice of experience
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself, Uncategorized | No Comments »
July 7th, 2011
My restored ’55 Chevy Pickup started making a “tick, tick, tick” noise when I stepped on the gas. It seemed to drive OK, but I was afraid something might be going wrong, so I took it to the mechanic to get checked out. The mechanic told me that I had a gas leak caused by defective gaskets in the exhaust headers. I was right to bring it in, as it would have gotten steadily worse and eventually damaged the engine.
Marriage is a bit like that. When it’s new, it’s often in such good shape that it doesn’t need much attention. It’s just a fun ride that can take you where you want to go. But if you don’t pay attention to it, and devote time to maintaining it, it will ultimately let you down.
Pay attention to warning signs (like the ticking noise), but also know that routine maintenance is required for every important relationship. Even before a car shows signs of trouble, you may need to take it out for a spin, put some air in the tires, or check the battery. Try to understand the needs and desires of your spouse in the same way. He or she may need some regular attention.
When treated with respect and love, a marriage (and an old car) can run beautifully for many years…with no need for a trade-in.
This was written by David Wisdom, who loves me almost as much as he loves his ’55 Chevy Cameo Pickup.
Susan Wisdom, MA
July 2011
Tags: communicating with your wife, how to make your wife happy, husband's point of view, maintaining a happy marriage, marriage advice, marriage maintenance
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship | No Comments »
May 24th, 2011
Love is in the air and many people are planning remarriage ceremonies this summer. When you were young and first looking for love, it probably wasn’t very complicated. You thought you found what you wanted…the rest is history.
People who find themselves looking for a partner later in life discover that dating has become much more complicated—especially if you and/or your love interest are divorced and have children.
In remarriage, it takes emotional maturity and a deep commitment to each other to be a stepcouple. Adults should ask serious questions of each other and share concerns as early and as often as possible in their relationship. If there’s enough love, trust, and support in the adults’ relationship to carry out the responsibilities of co-parenting kids, the prognosis for success is good.
My book Stepcoupling includes a list of questions that people should thoroughly and honestly consider while dating, falling in love and planning a future together (p. 11-13). Three of the most important questions are:
- Is this relationship right FOR ME? Does my partner respect and listen to me? Can I be honest with my feelings, thoughts, and fears? Can I grow and change in this relationship? Can I rely on my partner to help me? Can I be myself?
- Does this relationship work FOR THE TWO OF US? Are both of our needs being met? Do we listen and are we kind to each other? Do we share common interests and values? Do we make time for each other? Do we have fun and laugh? Are we willing to face conflicts, make compromises, and resolve differences with each other?
- What’s right FOR THE CHILDREN? Am I willing to be a stepparent and accept his or her children? Can we trust each other with our children? Do we respect each other’s relationship with our children? Are we patient with each other’s children? Do we honor each other’s children as individuals? Do we have similar parenting styles, and if not, can we learn from each other and reach a middle ground?
It won’t be perfect in the beginning. Forming new stepfamily relationships is difficult. What’s most important is that you trust your partner, that your partner is willing and able to grow with you, and that you respect each other deeply. With those ingredients, you’re in a good position to tackle anything…together. Oh yes, LOVE helps too!
Susan Wisdom MA
May 2011
Tags: before becoming a stepparent, how to know if he's right for me, questions to answer before remarrying, should I remarry, stepcoupling questions, will our marriage survive
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
February 23rd, 2011
When everything is awful, you wonder why you’re there. You get another phone call from school to report that your stepson is truant…again. Or your son just got caught shoplifting candy. Or your kid is depressed and can’t get up to go to school. Your stepdaughter is stealing money or worse, your clothes. You catch your daughter in a lie. Or you found a bong in your stepson’s underwear drawer.
Always your heart drops, your stomach aches, you feel so angry, discouraged and beaten down. You think you can stand it no more. Then something switches.
You get the help you need. You talk to your spouse and together you make a plan. The two of you go out to dinner; you say how much you love each other. The offender comes clean and makes amends. You have a good talk with a close friend or your counselor. Something good happens.
I’ve heard it all…I’ve experienced most of it…I’ve grown up tremendously from the burden…and always our family has survived. Ready for the next crisis. Because there will always be something.
Susan Wisdom, MA
February 2011
Tags: finding solutions, help with stepchildren, reconnecting with your spouse, stepfamily and stepcouple support, stepparenting, taking breaks from the stress
Posted in Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
December 7th, 2010
Written by David Wisdom
“I thought I said, no damn tinsel on the tree.”
“We gotta have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.”
“Why do I have to sit at the card table with her kids?”
“Do you really have to put all those lights on the house?”
“We absolutely have to cut back on the gifts this year.”
Sound familiar? Stepfamilies have the potential for real strife during the holidays. Two families coming together to form a stepfamily often have widely divergent expectations. These are emotionally loaded events. Often, at such times, the stepfamily seems to sink into pettiness and bickering. Some will inevitably end up feeling slighted or had their wishes ignored. There will likely be accusations of favoritism by the kids. How does the family deal with the limited time that Christmas affords while considering the needs of the kids, ex-spouses and several sets of grandparents? It can all be very confusing and exasperating. Hey, talk about needing a ‘bail out’, what can help this family?
Your stepcouple is your resource. You both have the ability to come together as a team and make order out of chaos. And I know that you both have the desire to make it work. You obviously love each other, so listen to each other. What were the traditions that each family treasured? Compromise. Consider starting new traditions. That’s easy. A new tradition is just one that you have done more than two times in a row. Put out the model trains or cook aunt Rachael’s spinach casserole, say grace or give a toast at dinner. Involve the whole family in cleaning up and make it fun.
Together, work out a budget for your time as well as your gifts. Designate separate areas of responsibility for each spouse in the stepcouple and include the kids. They will begin to feel a bigger part in their family. Do a gift lottery or draw straws for gift giving if finances are tight. If you have a talent, make something or put together a basket of goodies. It doesn’t have to be costly. The gifts I remember most were drawn, carved, assembled or recorded by the kids. Then again, there was that torque wrench … but I guess I picked that tool out myself. Time commitments are the biggest drain on your energy. Don’t take on more than you can handle. Talk to your spouse and set limits that are doable. Delegate. Women don’t always have to be in charge of everything.
David Wisdom, Susan’s husband
December 2010
We both wish you a happy and peaceful holiday season.
Susan and David
Tags: conflicting expectations, David and Susan Wisdom send holiday greetings, dealing with holiday money and kid issues, finding solutions, Holiday stepcouple chaos, relax, stepcoupling, taking breaks from the stress
Posted in Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | 4 Comments »
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