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November 10th, 2010
Some days it seems to take everything out of you to just stay together. It’s hard and painful. The romance has faded. What’s left? You wonder why did you do it. What were you thinking?
Most stepcouples have these moments… hours, days, even weeks… or longer. You miss the fairy tale romance… the hopes and promises that sealed the deal. That romantic twosome, fresh and exciting… nothing beats it.
What happened? Was it a lie? How could you be so fooled?
You’re sad and maybe a little surprised to have that taken away. You’re angry that your partner spends so much time, love, and energy on the kids. When bedtime finally comes for the two of you, one or both are too tired to connect in any way! You blame the kids. You can’t compete with them. You feel left out. You’re losing the battle. You begin to feel the wall between you.
You sense a big gap growing in your stepcouple. The romance has been sacrificed to the demands of the kids…daily living…problems with exes, etc. The adjustment from that awesome twosome to a complex stepfamily is a shock no one really expects.
You wonder if you’ll ever get it back? The answer is NO, not the way it was when it was just the two of you. It’s a stepfamily! You have to adjust and find your own way to make it work.
What do you have to do to make the adjustment? It’s not about what you DO, but more about how you ARE as a stepcouple.
It starts with an acceptance of stepcouple reality, a rude contradiction to that exclusive romantic twosome you experienced with the person you fell in love with. (Please note I’m not excluding romance in stepcoupling!)
Stepcoupling requires a willingness to bond together. It takes confidence that the other person knows and understands you, accepts you and respects you for whom you are rather than what they need you to be. This goes for both of you.
You have to use your head and your heart. Honesty is important. It takes time, patience and mutual willingness to deal with what stepcouples face on a daily basis.
How do you get there?
Start with talking with each other. Ask questions and get answers. Some questions you might think and talk about: Do you know your partner for who he/she is? Do you respect each other? What does your partner think about and care about? Can you afford to be honest without guilt or fear? Do you trust your partner? Can you listen, understand, and soothe each other? Can you rely on your partner …or are you often disappointed?
Do you have similar values and goals? Do you know about each other’s families of origin and previous relationships? Is there anything that concerns you?
Can and do you make collaborative decisions? When conflicts arise, can you come up with creative solutions and compromises? Do you cooperate with kids homework and activities, discipline and chores?
OR do you more or less live independent lives… eat and sleep in separate quarters…especially when the kids are around? Are you satisfied with your arrangement?
Everyone experiences stepcoupling differently according to their situations, wishes and needs. The stepcouple has to decide what’s right for them as well as what’s best for the kids and stepkids. The challenge is to be the best stepcouple you can be. That’s good enough!
Susan Wisdom, LPC
October 2010
Tags: Competition with kids and stepkids. Stepparenting, Developing stepcouple trust, Finding your way in stepcoupling, From romantic twosome to stepcouple, Making collaborative decisions, Solving stepcouple conflicts, Stepcouple honesty and communication, stepcoupling, Stepcoupling advise, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
October 27th, 2010
It’s you who makes or breaks a stepcouple.
All married couples, partnerships, and families have problems. Granted, stepcouples may have more problems and certainly different problems than traditional families. But that’s not the issue.
A stable adult stepcouple relationship with a strong emotional commitment will endure no matter what. No person and no force can tear them apart.
I’ve seen stepcouples where everything is a problem. They can’t rise above the fights about his and her kids, the nagging jealous exes who won’t let go, issues over money, ongoing resentments, etc. They’re miserable! Everyone’s miserable.
On the other hand, I’ve seen stepcouples who have HUGE problems. Frankly their stories amaze me. I wonder how any relationship can survive what they have on their plates. Yet, they do survive… together. It’s touching to witness the power of love, commitment, and sacrifice these people exhibit. Naturally the positive effects trickle down to the kids and everyone who’s part of these stepfamies
WHAT DOES IT TAKE?
It takes a strong boundary between the stepcouple. It’s the primary relationship in the stepfamily. They’re co-captains of the stepfamily team. It’s not about his kids vs. her kids. It’s about the kids. It’s not about whose ex-spouse is worse. It’s about dealing with exes using the strength and power of the stepcouple relationship. It’s infectious. The stronger the relationship at the top, the safer and happier everyone feels. A united stepcouple is a supportive team defined and protected by a clear boundary.
It takes a partnership based on respect and love… not competition. Stepcouples shouldn’t get tangled up in who’s kids are smarter, whose kids get more, whose kids start all the fights, who’s the trouble maker, who drives you crazy. Take it to a higher plane. Talk about these issues with your partner using non-blaming communication techniques. Offer and ask for support and understanding from each other. Try to solve the problems openly. Talk, listen and hear each other out. Take time outs from heated arguments to address later.
Don’t keep score and carry grudges. Just do what has to be done to put out the fires. Learn to discipline and soothe the kids fairly and frequently. Learn to cross over and offer the same to each other’s kids… over time when relationships are established. Everyone has bad days. There are attitudes, moods, and poor choices children make. There are always daily messes to clean up…literally and figuratively. So be the adults. Pick up the messes and move on.
Learn to rely on each other for support, ventilation, love, laughter, and nourishment. Be best friends! Learn ways to make each other feel worthwhile and lovable. After a stepchild has dished out an insult, been rude, lied, or done something AWFUL, it doesn’t feel good. Find your partner to soothe the wounds and help each other move on.
It’s impossible to tackle and solve every problem. There are always messes in stepfamilies. It does get better over time. It gets a lot easier when kids grow up and leave home. But that’s a long time to wait! Besides, you won’t make it if that’s what you’re waiting for.
Addendum: My husband and I raised five kids in our stepfamily. We have the advantage of time passage as our children are grown up now. They tell us how hard they tried to split us up in the beginning. They wanted nothing to do with a stepfamily. They missed their original families and their absent parents. They didn’t want outsiders moving in on them, telling them what to do!
Their efforts failed…fortunately for all of us.
Susan Wisdom M.A.
October 2010
Tags: advise for stepcouples, boundaries in stepfamilies, communication and commitment in stepcouples, kids need stability in stepfamilies, partnership is key, stepcouple endurance, stepcouple stability, Stepcouple team, stepcoupling, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Dealing with the Other Parent, Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
June 2nd, 2010
In stepcoupling, it starts with falling in love…of course! We’re convinced that we’ve found the right mate in spite of some concerns … like kids, exspouses, child support payments, parenting responsibilities, etc. No worries though. It’ll work out over time. And for many, it does
For others – not so well. Many people in stepcouples ARE SURE that their choice was right and that they’d have the perfect relationship IF ONLY… her kids weren’t part of the deal …or the ex would suddenly vanish from their lives… or he’d met you first before marrying her. This is what people believe and vigorously play out in the If Only Game of stepcoupling. This way they don’t have to change, stretch, or take responsibility. It’s a great excuse.
I’ve seen and heard stories of people believing these myths with all their hearts. I’ve seen stepcouples live in separate quarters of houses – she with her kids and he with his, eating meals and raising kids separately while the stepcouple shares little more than a common bed together. I’ve seen 2 mini families living together in one house with tension building between the two forces. Each parent protects themselves and their offspring from the other side. They say they “love each other very much”…until they can’t stand each other. It’s not surprising that these relationships end in divorce. They have plenty of reasons to blame the other side and leave in a huff. Parting shot is if only … or if only you…
They love each other, but they just can’t deal with the day to day hassles and responsibilities of stepfamily life. They live for the breaks from the kids, their weekends alone to rekindle and be intimate. They live in two different worlds that conflict with one another– one, loving, protecting and raising one’s biological kids and the other sustaining a stepcouple relationship.
Successful stepcouples can handle both with integrity and appreciation for what it is. They don’t obsess about what they don’t or can’t have, or what they lost in the past. They work on what they have together. They do so with conscious attention to boundary issues and conflicts. They communicate and deal with the issues openly.
Lets face it! Accepting some one else’s children and inviting them into your own family is definitely a challenge. Dealing with one’s ex-spouse is hardly smooth and natural. Dealing with a partner’s ex is even harder. It all takes motivation, maturity, and incredible patience.
Three questions for stepcouple partners to consider when dealing with stepchildren and exes:
- Given that your stepchildren won’t simply disappear, do you want your marriage to endure? If it continues, they’ll be present. Is this prospect tolerable?
- Are you willing to consider the possibility that you could have a different relationship with your stepchildren, even if they don’t change?
- Are you willing to consider including rather than excluding your stepchildren? Are you willing to consider doing something different?
(Excerpts, Page 63, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family, Three Rivers Press, 2002.)
These are hard questions, but it’s only by doing some honest thinking about yourself and your situation that can lead you to stop playing the If Only game and work towards accepting/embracing what you have. What you have is a stepfamily which includes children and exspouses from previous relationships…and that’s just the beginning.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
June 2010
Tags: acceptance of situation, accepting reality, avoiding divorce, boundary conflicts, conflicts that lead to divorce, exspouses, If Only, important questions to ask, intimacy in stepcoupling, maturity and patience, resilience, stepparenting and intimacy, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
May 25th, 2010
We hadn’t been married long when we were invited to a party given by my husband’s old friends. Almost immediately this woman made a fast beeline for me! In a loud voice she asked, “Susan, how’s it going with your new family?” “OK,” I said. She probed deeper… definitely fishing for gossip. She asked me detailed questions about the kids, the ex, what it’s REALLY like… Slowly I crumbled under the pressure. I admitted, “It’s difficult.” She poked around further. I told her way too much! Her parting shot was, “Susan, I don’t understand why you’re having trouble. They’re just kids!” With trembling lip, I found the nearest exit and burst into tears.
SO WHAT HAPPENED HERE? Why did I feel so alone… and misunderstood? Sure, I was in love. But I was also naïve and idealistic… and LOST. I didn’t know what my role was. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be, think, or feel. I hardly knew my stepkids…and yet I was supposed to raise them. Just because I had authority over my kids… didn’t give me authority over his kids.
This is where the rubber hits the road for stepcouples! It was time for us to blaze our own trail… chart a new course that would work for us and our stepfamily. We had to redistribute the power and authority to share appropriately as a stepcouple.
It’s a process… a stepcoupling process… and everyone does it differently.
Stepcouples have to respect the past, but focus on the present and future.
HOW IS THIS DONE?
As a stepcouple, you create a team. You talk… you listen… and HEAR what the other has to say. You talk about goals and values. By being open, you learn from each other. You’re both motivated and responsible to look at the part you play as well as the part your partner plays. As partners, you help each other move into a better pattern of communication and co-parenting. Patience and mutual understanding is key.
As a stepcouple, you respect each other and are curious about your partner’s feelings and opinions. Over time as you get used to each other, you notice slowly that you can be honest. You can be who you are and safely say what you want. You develop a connection, one you can both trust. Habits, laughter, activities, rituals and intimacy are mutually enjoyed.
As a stepcouple, you learn to co-parent by respecting and negotiating each other’s parenting values and styles. You build healthy relationships with each other’s kids as a basis for co-parenting.
All this time you’re building your relationship. Sometimes you argue. Sometimes it’s painful. When stuff comes up, you deal with it. As you both mature in your stepcouple, the defensive walls slowly come down.
When I look back and think of that horrible night with the woman at the party, I shiver. We had a long way to go back then! Somehow we traveled the journey… one day at a time.
It’s all in the process of stepcoupling.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
May 2010
Tags: authority as stepmother, avoiding stepcouple divorce, building strong relationships, communication and respect, developmental journey as stepcouple, marriage failure, patience/understanding as stepcouple, stepcoupling, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
April 29th, 2010
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. As always we had the kids and grandchildren over for dinner. This birthday party was particularly nice. Beautiful day. Potluck so everyone brought goodies. It was peaceful and fun – no fights or hurt feelings. (This may be a first!) Grandkids played with their cousins. The ADULTS…where did the time go!??… sat around, talked about the news, their kids, etc… We joked about family memories we can laugh about now.
It has not always been that way. Like any stepcouple and stepfamily, we had to get here. The only way we made it was by facing our issues and fighting hard to resolve them.
What I’m talking about are those Unresolved Emotional Issues (a.k.a. baggage) that we grew up with and held on to through adolescence and into adulthood. (By the way, it never goes away completely!) The powerful effects of our UEI’s are experienced and played out in our relationships. Their demons come around when we’re in an emotional conflict of some sort. They write the scripts for the roles we play and positions we take. Without even knowing it, our demons rule us – unless or until we address them and change the script.
I grew up with a terrible inferiority complex. In my family of origin, I was never good enough… or even good at all… so I thought. I married young and impulsively. My husband left with me with two kids to raise. After my divorce, I was more sure than ever that I was worthless and unlovable.
I turned right around and married a man with kids who needed to be cared for and raised… by someone.
As a stepcouple, this is where the work on the Unresolved Emotional Issues began. In the beginning of my remarriage, I was completely out of my element. The kids were killing me. I was a failure. I should have never taken this on! Losing the battle, losing control, I WAS ANGRY. Angry at myself, angry at my parents for not raising me better, angry at both our exes, and angry at the kids… blah, blah, blah
On the other hand I loved this man and he loved me back! That alone was the medicine I needed. It was time for me to grow up and take responsibility, rather than blaming others, for my UEI’s… and the power they had over me.
As a stepcouple, my husband and I trusted each other. We were a team. We took it one day at a time, facing what we had to face. Individually and mutually, we dealt with our issues as they came up. We saw a counselor who helped us pinpoint our issues and guide us in the right direction.
This is a developmental process. It can happen only if/when you’re ready to become consciously aware of yourself, including understanding your UEI’s and how they drive you. When you’re ready to understand and address those issues, they no longer hold the power to rule as before. The journey to heal and move on begins here.
I was ready… so was he. We had a job to do which was raising five kids. As I moved into the position of wife, mother and stepmother, I gained confidence. I was finally growing up.
As our stepfamily celebrated Sunday, I was proud and happy. Our kids are married and have families of their own. They have their kids to raise and hurdles to overcome, I’m sure… just as we did. But that’s not my business. I’m off duty now!
Some guidelines to think about when you want to understand and communicate with your partner better. (It’s always a good idea to think before you spout! It’s helpful to keep a journal too.)
As a stepcouple, what do you need? What does your partner need? What are your stepcoupling issues?
In the meantime …
- Take an honest look at who you are and what your UEIs are. (Unresolved Emotional Issues) How do those issues play out in your relationships with your partner, your kids… stepkids…others?
- Ask yourself what you want in your stepcouple relationship. What are you willing to give and receive from your partner?
- Look for familiar patterns that get in the way of your happiness and fulfillment.
- Develop the art of self-awareness and communication. Be willing to talk with, listen to and hear your partner. Be curious and respectful with each other.
- Do you know how to please your partner? Does he know what pleases you?
- Does your partner bring out the best…or the worst… in you?
- How do you handle conflict? Are your styles similar or different from each other? Does that cause problems? What about parenting styles?
For more info about unresolved emotional issues and how they play out in stepcoupling, I suggest that you read Chapter 7 of my book, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family. Three Rivers Press, 2002. It’s available on Amazon.com.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
Tags: baggage from past, blended family conflicts, child rearing as stepcouple, children growing up in blended families, communication as a stepcouple, curiosity and respect in stepcouple, dealing with exes, family of origin issues, marriage as first priority, self-awareness, stepcoupling, stepfamily journey, Susan Wisdom, Unresolved Emotional Issues in stepcoupling
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | 3 Comments »
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