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May 24th, 2011
Love is in the air and many people are planning remarriage ceremonies this summer. When you were young and first looking for love, it probably wasn’t very complicated. You thought you found what you wanted…the rest is history.
People who find themselves looking for a partner later in life discover that dating has become much more complicated—especially if you and/or your love interest are divorced and have children.
In remarriage, it takes emotional maturity and a deep commitment to each other to be a stepcouple. Adults should ask serious questions of each other and share concerns as early and as often as possible in their relationship. If there’s enough love, trust, and support in the adults’ relationship to carry out the responsibilities of co-parenting kids, the prognosis for success is good.
My book Stepcoupling includes a list of questions that people should thoroughly and honestly consider while dating, falling in love and planning a future together (p. 11-13). Three of the most important questions are:
- Is this relationship right FOR ME? Does my partner respect and listen to me? Can I be honest with my feelings, thoughts, and fears? Can I grow and change in this relationship? Can I rely on my partner to help me? Can I be myself?
- Does this relationship work FOR THE TWO OF US? Are both of our needs being met? Do we listen and are we kind to each other? Do we share common interests and values? Do we make time for each other? Do we have fun and laugh? Are we willing to face conflicts, make compromises, and resolve differences with each other?
- What’s right FOR THE CHILDREN? Am I willing to be a stepparent and accept his or her children? Can we trust each other with our children? Do we respect each other’s relationship with our children? Are we patient with each other’s children? Do we honor each other’s children as individuals? Do we have similar parenting styles, and if not, can we learn from each other and reach a middle ground?
It won’t be perfect in the beginning. Forming new stepfamily relationships is difficult. What’s most important is that you trust your partner, that your partner is willing and able to grow with you, and that you respect each other deeply. With those ingredients, you’re in a good position to tackle anything…together. Oh yes, LOVE helps too!
Susan Wisdom MA
May 2011
Tags: before becoming a stepparent, how to know if he's right for me, questions to answer before remarrying, should I remarry, stepcoupling questions, will our marriage survive
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
May 10th, 2011
A long time ago, David and I went to a fancy cocktail party hosted by friends of David and his ex-wife. I knew the hosts a little but hardly considered them my friends. We got our drinks and were standing around when I saw a woman making a beeline towards me! Following the obligatory hug, she asked, “SO SUSAN, HOW’S IT GOING WITH YOUR NEW FAMILY?” Her penetrating eyes and piercing expression scared me.
I told her that I was doing OK, but that “it was a struggle.” (Big mistake.) I explained that it was hard taking care of three more kids who weren’t my own. She said she didn’t understand why I would feel that way. I tried to explain, but with each word, I dug myself deeper into a hole. She said, “Some people have trouble raising ANY CHILDREN…you might be one of those women!” Her final shot was, “You should have thought of that BEFORE you married him!”
I found the nearest door, ran outside, and burst into tears.
Why was I so vulnerable? The problem was that I knew I was failing. I knew I was in over my head, and no one understood my situation. How could they? The incident just reinforced how alone I felt in my struggle.
Our new stepfamily was on shaky ground. My stepchildren missed their mother terribly, and they wanted little to do with me. My husband was busy at work, and it was my job to raise the five kids—his and mine. It was an impossible expectation…in the beginning, anyway.
Fortunately, resources for new stepfamilies have come a long way since then. There’s a lot of good information and help for stepfamilies in the way of books, counseling, coaching, forums, blogs, support groups, etc.
Looking back, I can see that I was young, vulnerable, sensitive, and way too hard on myself. What I needed so badly…and didn’t have…was thick skin and permission to stand up for myself! I was always comparing myself to the ideal of the perfect nuclear family. It was impossible to fit the mold. All I could do was pretend…and try harder.
Thank God for the passage of time and growing up… and also for the good support and understanding of stepfamilies today.
Susan Wisdom MA
May 2011
Tags: fears and tears of stepmoms, Ghastly Night, help for new stepfamily, how to develop thick skin, new stepfamily, stepcoupling, stepcoupling resources, vulnerability of new stepparents
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
April 26th, 2011
[Continued from the previous blog post, “One Mixed Up Bundle of Relationships”]
Newly married, we had no idea what we were doing or how to do it. Everyone felt fragile and confused…completely out of our comfort zones.
David’s kids and my kids were very clear about who their parents were—the stepparents did not qualify. All the kids’ attention and conversation was directed at their “real” parents. The “steps” were foreigners, and we knew it.
It took a long time for us to begin to feel like a family. And our stepfamily wasn’t alone. We soon learned that everyone feels this way in the beginning of stepcoupling.
Looking back, I understand much better the five conflicts with which we struggled the most.
- Transitioning from that romantic twosome to a GROUP AFFAIR. We got married because we wanted to be with each other, but after we married we hardly had time for each other. There was always a fire to put out or a kid who needed something NOW. We just had too much on our plates to be a romantic couple. It made us wonder why we bothered to get married!
- Accepting each other’s children. Naively, we thought we’d be able to accept each other’s kids immediately and raise them just as we would our own. We struggled when we realized that there was nothing natural or easy about this. To do it required surviving the long process of opening up, getting to know them, getting over the resentment of having to raise them, and arriving at the peaceful place of knowing that we are a family that belongs together. (There were tons of glitches along the way, btw!)
- Learning how to play a positive role in guiding, raising, and coparenting each other’s kids appropriately.
David & I discovered tremendous differences in our approaches to parenting. We soon learned that neither of us would always be in control or get our way. There were two of us in it together! We had to be open to each other’s methods, compromise, and learn from each other. This was possible only because we each trusted that the other wanted the best for all our kids.
- We never had enough time or money…or so we thought.
We stretched to make things work. But we had each other.
- Baggage from the past.
We all have it: frustrations, anger, jealousy at the ex, poor coping skills…and on and on. The best tool we had to deal with this was the ear and support of each other. If you’re lucky enough to have a caring and supportive relationship with the love of your life, the baggage can resolve itself as you both mature and successfully deal with challenges along the way.
Do you ever look back and observe that the horrible stuff that used to bother you so much isn’t there anymore, or if it is there, it’s a lot less difficult? That’s the gift of a contented stepcouple and stepfamily—you all grow up together.
Susan Wisdom MA
April 2011
Tags: 5 common struggles, co-parenting each other's kids, from romantic 2 to group affair, from stepcouple to stepfamily, Growing into new stepfamily together, how to make stepparenting easier, stepcoupling
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
April 19th, 2011
I was a single mother minding my own business when I met David. When we started dating, the relationship was perfectly uncomplicated. He had his place and I had mine. When our kids were with their other parents, we’d always get together.
One evening, David invited me over for dinner. He cooked New Orleans Shrimp Creole for me, and set the table with candles and flowers. It was divine and romantic—and of course, I fell in love. As we grew closer and more serious, it was harder and harder to say goodbye. We couldn’t imagine not being together.
I was close to my sons, who were then 5 and 7 years old. David had 3 small children and almost full-time custody. All five children were suffering from the shock of their families breaking apart and a parent leaving home. Insecure and angry, none of our children wanted to share their parent with an outsider. And neither David nor I was particularly interested in raising more kids.
But we had no choice. We wanted to be together as a couple, so we did what we had to do: we formally tied the knot and merged our families. That’s when things got messy. The clear division of “David and his kids” and “me and my kids” was gone. We were now a mixed up bundle of relationships. In the bundle were different personalities and genes, conflicting loyalties, different developmental stages, moods and interests and parenting styles.
What a shock! We went from a family of 3 and a family of 4 to an almost fulltime family of 7 in one small house. The kids were all under the age of 14.
So how did we do it, despite our reluctance and the children’s resistance? My next article will detail the five conflicts with which we struggled the most, and how we learned to work through them. Check in next week!
Susan Wisdom MA
April 2011
Tags: becoming a blended family, becoming a stepfamily, conflicts in stepfamily, From romance to marriage, from single mom to stepfamily, journey to stepparenting, second marriage, stepcouple adjustment
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Deciding to Remarry, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | 1 Comment »
March 10th, 2011
I didn’t know what to expect! I recently had back surgery and have been recovering in bed at home. Lots of time to think and reminisce.
I’ve been in a stepfamily for 35 years. Seems like just yesterday that I was yelled at “GET OUT OF MY LIFE”…or worse,” I HATE YOU, BITCH and so do all of my friends!” My own kids had their moments, but it didn’t hurt as much. I could deal with them. I felt helpless and angry at my stepkids.
I remember calls from school…they weren’t calling to praise my kid! I remember curfew violations when I had no idea where the kids were or with whom. I remember arguments with David about raising his kids and mine in one house. It always seemed so unfair and hard.
I seriously wanted to run away. It seemed like the only solution to my misery. I cried a lot and drank too much wine after a bad day. I felt like a failure. If it weren’t for David’s and my bond and willingness to talk, we certainly wouldn’t have lasted.
I shiver to think that I could have thrown it all away. This week, all our five kids have been there for me with phone calls, visits, flowers and food. Such a showing of love and caring from them has touched me tremendously. I’m still reeling from the feelings.
We’ve all grown up and moved to a different place. Thank God for healing and maturation…and patience!
Susan Wisdom, MA
March 2011
Tags: and stepcoupling, healing, Kids growing up and moving on, Moving from misery to maturation, new relationships and boundaries, patience and perseverance, reminiscing the positives and negatives, stepfamilies, stepparenting
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | 2 Comments »
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