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October 18th, 2011
As a companion to my book, this blog is a platform for me to share resources, tools, and inspiration with readers in all stages of stepcoupling. I’ve shared a lot of my personal experiences and lessons I learned as a stepmother. In the next phase of the blog, I’m going to shift perspectives a bit and share some clinical experiences (stripped of any identifying information, or course) that I think readers will find helpful.
So much of what stepcouples experience is normal, and universal…but bitterly painful at times. Yet it’s hard to talk about it with friends, family, and people in the workplace. First, they wouldn’t understand, and second, it’s shameful and embarrassing.
The realities of each stepfamily are unique and complex—we cannot compare our family relationships with other “normal” families. The presence of children and spouses from previous marriages push our buttons beyond belief. Add to that those personal issues that get in our way of building healthy relationships. My goal as a clinician has always been to grant people permission to be honest and open in evaluating their reality. I’ve seen clients in all kinds of marriages/partnerships… that’s just the way it is!
The practice of candid self-assessment is an ongoing one. I hope the stories I will share in the coming months will help readers reflect on their own behavior and the dynamics of their marriage and their parenting. Check the blog in two weeks or so.
Susan Wisdom MA
October 2011
Tags: clinical help for stepcouples, new perspective, stepcouple examples, stepfamily examples, stepfamily therapist, the voice of experience
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself, Uncategorized | No Comments »
August 3rd, 2011
The recent crisis over our country’s debt limit and the way our leaders are handling it got me thinking about the way many stepfamilies and ex-spouses relate to each other. Conflict is inevitable in the environment of a remarried family or stepfamily (meaning a divorced couple, their children, and their new partners). There is a great deal at stake in the way the adults handle these conflicts.
Parents, new partners, and exes will have clashing values—around lifestyle, money, parenting, goals, etc. When parents become fixated on their own agenda, and are unable to appreciate and respect opposing perspectives, they lose sight of what should be their true goal: the best possible outcome for their children.
When problems arise in remarried families, the adults need to step back and take a look at the entire situation—listen, think, negotiate, and compromise. It’s not about winning or losing, but understanding and improving. Strong leadership serves the best interests of the entire group. It does not seek to win, but rather, to protect and support those whom it is charged with leading.
We are all capable of hurting others while thinking we’re acting in their best interest. It’s easier to get out of this trap when we can put our ego away and treat the other parties with respect, dignity, and curiosity. Children notice how their parents and stepparents treat each other, and it impacts them significantly. Parents who model compromise and respect, while standing up for the needs of their children, serve the entire family.
My hope is that our national leaders can learn to work together in a way that their constituents can be proud of and use as a positive model for their own families.
Susan Wisdom, MA
August 2011
Tags: communicating with the other parent, conflicts between parents, conflicts in stepfamilies, dealing with ex spouses, doing what is best for the kids, how to compromise with your spouse, national debt crisis, values in families
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
June 7th, 2011
School’s almost out and summer vacation begins. Vacation for kids is hardly a vacation for the parents and stepparents raising them.
The complaints: “THERE’S NOTHING TO DO.”
The requests: “Can so and so come over?”
The demands: “Take me here, there and everywhere…NOW!” “I need money to go to the mall!” “Everyone else gets to go to or do ______ except me!”
The moodiness, the sulkiness and tears—Give me a break!!
Kids, and especially preteens and adolescents, are the center of the universe. That’s what they’re supposed to be. Yes, your self-absorbed kids are normal…aren’t you relieved?
I remember those long summers when our kids were young. The days were long and exhausting. I thought they’d never end. I worked myself to the bone to accommodate and satisfy the kids. I worried way too much about how they were doing…where they were and with whom.
As a stepmom, you may wonder if you’re fitting the bill at all! Still you strive for perfection. Doesn’t every parent want to be the best?
Words of Wisdom: Stop yourself! Step back. Take a break. You have to say NO sometimes. You have to take care of YOURSELF. You do count. You do have a life! Go ahead and have some fun. Go to yoga or exercise class; call a friend. Get off the computer, get out of the car, and leave the dirty dishes in the sink. It won’t kill you. Take a lie down, read a chapter in the book you’re reading, or journalize if that helps you.
Free yourself up to breathe, and relax.
My best to all stepcouples and stepfamilies this summer. Take care and take it easy…and enjoy the special moments. A thank you, a shared joke or experience, anything that makes you feel good. That’s what it’s all about.
Susan Wisdom, MA
June 2011
(First published June 2010 on my blog site)
Tags: SUMMER SANITY IN STEPFAMILIES AND STEPCOUPLES, SUMMER SELF CARE FOR STEPMOMS, SURVIVING LONG DAYS WITH KIDS AND STEPKIDS, SURVIVING SUMMER WITH KIDS, TAKE IT EASY, TAKING A BREAK FROM KIDS
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | 2 Comments »
May 10th, 2011
A long time ago, David and I went to a fancy cocktail party hosted by friends of David and his ex-wife. I knew the hosts a little but hardly considered them my friends. We got our drinks and were standing around when I saw a woman making a beeline towards me! Following the obligatory hug, she asked, “SO SUSAN, HOW’S IT GOING WITH YOUR NEW FAMILY?” Her penetrating eyes and piercing expression scared me.
I told her that I was doing OK, but that “it was a struggle.” (Big mistake.) I explained that it was hard taking care of three more kids who weren’t my own. She said she didn’t understand why I would feel that way. I tried to explain, but with each word, I dug myself deeper into a hole. She said, “Some people have trouble raising ANY CHILDREN…you might be one of those women!” Her final shot was, “You should have thought of that BEFORE you married him!”
I found the nearest door, ran outside, and burst into tears.
Why was I so vulnerable? The problem was that I knew I was failing. I knew I was in over my head, and no one understood my situation. How could they? The incident just reinforced how alone I felt in my struggle.
Our new stepfamily was on shaky ground. My stepchildren missed their mother terribly, and they wanted little to do with me. My husband was busy at work, and it was my job to raise the five kids—his and mine. It was an impossible expectation…in the beginning, anyway.
Fortunately, resources for new stepfamilies have come a long way since then. There’s a lot of good information and help for stepfamilies in the way of books, counseling, coaching, forums, blogs, support groups, etc.
Looking back, I can see that I was young, vulnerable, sensitive, and way too hard on myself. What I needed so badly…and didn’t have…was thick skin and permission to stand up for myself! I was always comparing myself to the ideal of the perfect nuclear family. It was impossible to fit the mold. All I could do was pretend…and try harder.
Thank God for the passage of time and growing up… and also for the good support and understanding of stepfamilies today.
Susan Wisdom MA
May 2011
Tags: fears and tears of stepmoms, Ghastly Night, help for new stepfamily, how to develop thick skin, new stepfamily, stepcoupling, stepcoupling resources, vulnerability of new stepparents
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
March 10th, 2011
I didn’t know what to expect! I recently had back surgery and have been recovering in bed at home. Lots of time to think and reminisce.
I’ve been in a stepfamily for 35 years. Seems like just yesterday that I was yelled at “GET OUT OF MY LIFE”…or worse,” I HATE YOU, BITCH and so do all of my friends!” My own kids had their moments, but it didn’t hurt as much. I could deal with them. I felt helpless and angry at my stepkids.
I remember calls from school…they weren’t calling to praise my kid! I remember curfew violations when I had no idea where the kids were or with whom. I remember arguments with David about raising his kids and mine in one house. It always seemed so unfair and hard.
I seriously wanted to run away. It seemed like the only solution to my misery. I cried a lot and drank too much wine after a bad day. I felt like a failure. If it weren’t for David’s and my bond and willingness to talk, we certainly wouldn’t have lasted.
I shiver to think that I could have thrown it all away. This week, all our five kids have been there for me with phone calls, visits, flowers and food. Such a showing of love and caring from them has touched me tremendously. I’m still reeling from the feelings.
We’ve all grown up and moved to a different place. Thank God for healing and maturation…and patience!
Susan Wisdom, MA
March 2011
Tags: and stepcoupling, healing, Kids growing up and moving on, Moving from misery to maturation, new relationships and boundaries, patience and perseverance, reminiscing the positives and negatives, stepfamilies, stepparenting
Posted in Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | 2 Comments »
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