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December 7th, 2010
Written by David Wisdom
“I thought I said, no damn tinsel on the tree.”
“We gotta have roast beef and Yorkshire pudding.”
“Why do I have to sit at the card table with her kids?”
“Do you really have to put all those lights on the house?”
“We absolutely have to cut back on the gifts this year.”
Sound familiar? Stepfamilies have the potential for real strife during the holidays. Two families coming together to form a stepfamily often have widely divergent expectations. These are emotionally loaded events. Often, at such times, the stepfamily seems to sink into pettiness and bickering. Some will inevitably end up feeling slighted or had their wishes ignored. There will likely be accusations of favoritism by the kids. How does the family deal with the limited time that Christmas affords while considering the needs of the kids, ex-spouses and several sets of grandparents? It can all be very confusing and exasperating. Hey, talk about needing a ‘bail out’, what can help this family?
Your stepcouple is your resource. You both have the ability to come together as a team and make order out of chaos. And I know that you both have the desire to make it work. You obviously love each other, so listen to each other. What were the traditions that each family treasured? Compromise. Consider starting new traditions. That’s easy. A new tradition is just one that you have done more than two times in a row. Put out the model trains or cook aunt Rachael’s spinach casserole, say grace or give a toast at dinner. Involve the whole family in cleaning up and make it fun.
Together, work out a budget for your time as well as your gifts. Designate separate areas of responsibility for each spouse in the stepcouple and include the kids. They will begin to feel a bigger part in their family. Do a gift lottery or draw straws for gift giving if finances are tight. If you have a talent, make something or put together a basket of goodies. It doesn’t have to be costly. The gifts I remember most were drawn, carved, assembled or recorded by the kids. Then again, there was that torque wrench … but I guess I picked that tool out myself. Time commitments are the biggest drain on your energy. Don’t take on more than you can handle. Talk to your spouse and set limits that are doable. Delegate. Women don’t always have to be in charge of everything.
David Wisdom, Susan’s husband
December 2010
We both wish you a happy and peaceful holiday season.
Susan and David
Tags: conflicting expectations, David and Susan Wisdom send holiday greetings, dealing with holiday money and kid issues, finding solutions, Holiday stepcouple chaos, relax, stepcoupling, taking breaks from the stress
Posted in Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | 4 Comments »
November 10th, 2010
Some days it seems to take everything out of you to just stay together. It’s hard and painful. The romance has faded. What’s left? You wonder why did you do it. What were you thinking?
Most stepcouples have these moments… hours, days, even weeks… or longer. You miss the fairy tale romance… the hopes and promises that sealed the deal. That romantic twosome, fresh and exciting… nothing beats it.
What happened? Was it a lie? How could you be so fooled?
You’re sad and maybe a little surprised to have that taken away. You’re angry that your partner spends so much time, love, and energy on the kids. When bedtime finally comes for the two of you, one or both are too tired to connect in any way! You blame the kids. You can’t compete with them. You feel left out. You’re losing the battle. You begin to feel the wall between you.
You sense a big gap growing in your stepcouple. The romance has been sacrificed to the demands of the kids…daily living…problems with exes, etc. The adjustment from that awesome twosome to a complex stepfamily is a shock no one really expects.
You wonder if you’ll ever get it back? The answer is NO, not the way it was when it was just the two of you. It’s a stepfamily! You have to adjust and find your own way to make it work.
What do you have to do to make the adjustment? It’s not about what you DO, but more about how you ARE as a stepcouple.
It starts with an acceptance of stepcouple reality, a rude contradiction to that exclusive romantic twosome you experienced with the person you fell in love with. (Please note I’m not excluding romance in stepcoupling!)
Stepcoupling requires a willingness to bond together. It takes confidence that the other person knows and understands you, accepts you and respects you for whom you are rather than what they need you to be. This goes for both of you.
You have to use your head and your heart. Honesty is important. It takes time, patience and mutual willingness to deal with what stepcouples face on a daily basis.
How do you get there?
Start with talking with each other. Ask questions and get answers. Some questions you might think and talk about: Do you know your partner for who he/she is? Do you respect each other? What does your partner think about and care about? Can you afford to be honest without guilt or fear? Do you trust your partner? Can you listen, understand, and soothe each other? Can you rely on your partner …or are you often disappointed?
Do you have similar values and goals? Do you know about each other’s families of origin and previous relationships? Is there anything that concerns you?
Can and do you make collaborative decisions? When conflicts arise, can you come up with creative solutions and compromises? Do you cooperate with kids homework and activities, discipline and chores?
OR do you more or less live independent lives… eat and sleep in separate quarters…especially when the kids are around? Are you satisfied with your arrangement?
Everyone experiences stepcoupling differently according to their situations, wishes and needs. The stepcouple has to decide what’s right for them as well as what’s best for the kids and stepkids. The challenge is to be the best stepcouple you can be. That’s good enough!
Susan Wisdom, LPC
October 2010
Tags: Competition with kids and stepkids. Stepparenting, Developing stepcouple trust, Finding your way in stepcoupling, From romantic twosome to stepcouple, Making collaborative decisions, Solving stepcouple conflicts, Stepcouple honesty and communication, stepcoupling, Stepcoupling advise, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
October 27th, 2010
It’s you who makes or breaks a stepcouple.
All married couples, partnerships, and families have problems. Granted, stepcouples may have more problems and certainly different problems than traditional families. But that’s not the issue.
A stable adult stepcouple relationship with a strong emotional commitment will endure no matter what. No person and no force can tear them apart.
I’ve seen stepcouples where everything is a problem. They can’t rise above the fights about his and her kids, the nagging jealous exes who won’t let go, issues over money, ongoing resentments, etc. They’re miserable! Everyone’s miserable.
On the other hand, I’ve seen stepcouples who have HUGE problems. Frankly their stories amaze me. I wonder how any relationship can survive what they have on their plates. Yet, they do survive… together. It’s touching to witness the power of love, commitment, and sacrifice these people exhibit. Naturally the positive effects trickle down to the kids and everyone who’s part of these stepfamies
WHAT DOES IT TAKE?
It takes a strong boundary between the stepcouple. It’s the primary relationship in the stepfamily. They’re co-captains of the stepfamily team. It’s not about his kids vs. her kids. It’s about the kids. It’s not about whose ex-spouse is worse. It’s about dealing with exes using the strength and power of the stepcouple relationship. It’s infectious. The stronger the relationship at the top, the safer and happier everyone feels. A united stepcouple is a supportive team defined and protected by a clear boundary.
It takes a partnership based on respect and love… not competition. Stepcouples shouldn’t get tangled up in who’s kids are smarter, whose kids get more, whose kids start all the fights, who’s the trouble maker, who drives you crazy. Take it to a higher plane. Talk about these issues with your partner using non-blaming communication techniques. Offer and ask for support and understanding from each other. Try to solve the problems openly. Talk, listen and hear each other out. Take time outs from heated arguments to address later.
Don’t keep score and carry grudges. Just do what has to be done to put out the fires. Learn to discipline and soothe the kids fairly and frequently. Learn to cross over and offer the same to each other’s kids… over time when relationships are established. Everyone has bad days. There are attitudes, moods, and poor choices children make. There are always daily messes to clean up…literally and figuratively. So be the adults. Pick up the messes and move on.
Learn to rely on each other for support, ventilation, love, laughter, and nourishment. Be best friends! Learn ways to make each other feel worthwhile and lovable. After a stepchild has dished out an insult, been rude, lied, or done something AWFUL, it doesn’t feel good. Find your partner to soothe the wounds and help each other move on.
It’s impossible to tackle and solve every problem. There are always messes in stepfamilies. It does get better over time. It gets a lot easier when kids grow up and leave home. But that’s a long time to wait! Besides, you won’t make it if that’s what you’re waiting for.
Addendum: My husband and I raised five kids in our stepfamily. We have the advantage of time passage as our children are grown up now. They tell us how hard they tried to split us up in the beginning. They wanted nothing to do with a stepfamily. They missed their original families and their absent parents. They didn’t want outsiders moving in on them, telling them what to do!
Their efforts failed…fortunately for all of us.
Susan Wisdom M.A.
October 2010
Tags: advise for stepcouples, boundaries in stepfamilies, communication and commitment in stepcouples, kids need stability in stepfamilies, partnership is key, stepcouple endurance, stepcouple stability, Stepcouple team, stepcoupling, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Dealing with the Other Parent, Deciding to Remarry, Enhancing Your Stepcouple Relationship, Stepcouple Challenges, Taking Care of Yourself | No Comments »
July 21st, 2010
Too often, as a struggling stepparent, it’s easy to lose yourself in self-pity, resentment and jealousy—and, amid it all, forget what the kids are enduring.
Grappling with the separation of their biological parents—not to mention also adjusting to the idea that one or both parents now have new partners—is a devastating process for the children.
Yes, it is important that you focus on your new relationship, as a stepcouple, to provide a strong foundation for the whole stepfamily. But it is of equal importance that you maintain awareness and compassion for the kids, who must now suffer against the absence of a biological parent.
Rather than compete with the loyalty children can’t help but feel toward the now-absent bio-parent, strive to understand, with consciousness and empathy, its significance.
Children are naturally bonded to their biological parents—present or absent. Kids will protect their parents unconditionally and interminably, as if by instinct. Nonsensical as it may seem, this sort of loyalty only grows with the bio-parent’s absence.
Understand that this is natural. It can be easy to see this as unfair—after all, you’re the one who does all the work and provides the support. Still, the biological bond cannot be broken. All you can do is support the kids through the anger, sadness and confusion they’re bound to feel at the loss of a bio-parent.
How, specifically, can you do this? I encourage awareness of just how deep and powerful these losses are—think about the kids and, whenever possible, do what’s in their best interest. That will always serve you well.
Stepcoupling is all about keeping present and former relationships appropriately inclusive and alive for as long as is feasible and healthy, allowing the kids to make their own decision as they mature.
What relationships can you keep alive and well in your family, biological and otherwise?
I’ve posed the following questions for guidance:
- Do the children have access to their biological parents?
- Do they have permission to have a relationship with their absent biological parent without bias?
- What part do you play in making that happen? And what obstacles do you face?
- As a stepcouple, how do you encourage and support each other when frustration, resentment and anger take over?
Tags: biological parent/child bonds, helpful questions for stepparents, kids' natural loyalties, preserving first and second family bonds, remarried families, stepcoupling, stepfamily and stepcouple support, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Building Relationships with Kids and Stepkids, Dealing with the Other Parent, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | No Comments »
July 13th, 2010
 As stepcouples, does it sometimes feel as though other so-called “normal” families are better off? Do you sometimes observe them and feel jealous of the way they appear to interact—to talk and play and laugh—so naturally and comfortably? And, as a result, does this comparison make you feel as though your stepfamily were somehow worse?
I used to watch “normal” families and conclude that they had no problems, and that because my stepfamily was “different,” we were the one with problems. Extended family gatherings gave me plenty of opportunity to envy “normal” families, which always left me feeling depressed, alone, and incompetent.
With few stepfamily models to learn from, we felt alone and uneasy in how to build our stepfamily. And comparing ours to “normal” families didn’t help. But, in time, I learned that there is no such thing as a family that is normal or perfect; that all families face their own unique set of challenges. Comparisons, of course, are only relative to who’s doing the comparing.
Today, now that our five children are grown, some with children of their own, I can look back and appreciate that, while our family has never been “normal,” it is pretty darned great. Life is a journey, after all—for all families. True: the stepcoupling and stepfamily journey is one of the most challenging. But it’s worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears, no matter how “abnormal” and difficult it may seem.
As a stepcouple, can you and your partner think of activities, traditions, or experiences that you particularly cherish in your stepfamily? Anything that puts a smile on your face and makes you happy counts.
Susan Wisdom LPC
July 12, 2010
Please share your experiences and thoughts.
Tags: "normal" families vs. stepfamilies, rewards of stepcoupling, stepcouple challenges, stepcouple journey, stepcoupling, stepfamilies, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
Posted in Deciding to Remarry, Developing and Growing your Blended Family, Stepcouple Challenges | 3 Comments »
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