When I was at the retreat I ran for stepmoms in Canmore at the end of October I presented a session on stepmom anxiety. It was a big hit and the request came for it to be longer! So, I thought it needs to be part of a bigger program for stepmoms. I am now in the process of creating a program for stepmom empowerment with a focus on mental and emotional well being. And it all starts with women feeling good about themselves. Feeling comfortable in your own skin. Having a strong sense of self can and often is a work in progress. It can be a lot of focussed and intentional work for some. For others, it can be effortless.
As stepmoms we often doubt ourselves, doubt our abilities, doubt our place in a premade family. If you have low self esteem to begin with, this gig can make it worse. There are so many expectations for us as women. Being a great wife and a great stepmom, and, and, and…. “Love them as your own” “But they aren’t yours”. We expect if of ourselves, our partner may expect it of us and the pop culture expects it too. We believe that being a good wife and mom is a place where we can shine as women. But nobody comes right out and tells you what you are supposed to do and more importantly how to do it. So we are in constant conversations with our self about how much we suck. When we are vulnerable, it’s easier to get sucked into the “I’m a better mom” vortex of comparisons and competition. And that is not one we can win.
Don’t get stuck in the vicious cycle of thinking you are not good enough. Love yourself first. Fiercely. You then create boundaries for yourself because you deserve to have them. Once you are solid in yourself, then the drama of the ex and the behaviours of the kids won’t matter as much. You know who you are and what you are capable of…and even what your limitations are and you insulate yourself against harsh critiques from others. Once you have a firm hold on loving yourself, then your next focus is on loving your partner. Self love becomes like a ripple on a pond after you throw a rock in it. You can then hold that sacred space of love for others. Put it where it will best be received. It may not be with your stepkids- yet. But it doesn’t have to. That comes with time and patience. Sometimes not at all. But be ok with that. If not loving then loving kindness or neutrality- whatever feels right for you. Because where love is built, kept, and nurtured, peace will find it’s way in. Love first, then peace, then healing. For yourself and your home. Start with you- love yourself today.
