"Ms. Wisdom, I was compelled to find your email address and say 'thank you' from the bottom of my heart for writing such a wonderfully helpful book. I am going into my 8th year in a stepcouple (husband has two boys) and have yearned for the insight, clarity and support that you have given in StepCoupling. I know that I have FINALLY found a resource that really makes sense to me. Thank you!" From a reader
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June 2nd, 2010
In stepcoupling, it starts with falling in love…of course! We’re convinced that we’ve found the right mate in spite of some concerns … like kids, exspouses, child support payments, parenting responsibilities, etc. No worries though. It’ll work out over time. And for many, it does
For others – not so well. Many people in stepcouples ARE SURE that their choice was right and that they’d have the perfect relationship IF ONLY… her kids weren’t part of the deal …or the ex would suddenly vanish from their lives… or he’d met you first before marrying her. This is what people believe and vigorously play out in the If Only Game of stepcoupling. This way they don’t have to change, stretch, or take responsibility. It’s a great excuse.
I’ve seen and heard stories of people believing these myths with all their hearts. I’ve seen stepcouples live in separate quarters of houses – she with her kids and he with his, eating meals and raising kids separately while the stepcouple shares little more than a common bed together. I’ve seen 2 mini families living together in one house with tension building between the two forces. Each parent protects themselves and their offspring from the other side. They say they “love each other very much”…until they can’t stand each other. It’s not surprising that these relationships end in divorce. They have plenty of reasons to blame the other side and leave in a huff. Parting shot is if only … or if only you…
They love each other, but they just can’t deal with the day to day hassles and responsibilities of stepfamily life. They live for the breaks from the kids, their weekends alone to rekindle and be intimate. They live in two different worlds that conflict with one another– one, loving, protecting and raising one’s biological kids and the other sustaining a stepcouple relationship.
Successful stepcouples can handle both with integrity and appreciation for what it is. They don’t obsess about what they don’t or can’t have, or what they lost in the past. They work on what they have together. They do so with conscious attention to boundary issues and conflicts. They communicate and deal with the issues openly.
Lets face it! Accepting some one else’s children and inviting them into your own family is definitely a challenge. Dealing with one’s ex-spouse is hardly smooth and natural. Dealing with a partner’s ex is even harder. It all takes motivation, maturity, and incredible patience.
Three questions for stepcouple partners to consider when dealing with stepchildren and exes:
- Given that your stepchildren won’t simply disappear, do you want your marriage to endure? If it continues, they’ll be present. Is this prospect tolerable?
- Are you willing to consider the possibility that you could have a different relationship with your stepchildren, even if they don’t change?
- Are you willing to consider including rather than excluding your stepchildren? Are you willing to consider doing something different?
(Excerpts, Page 63, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family, Three Rivers Press, 2002.)
These are hard questions, but it’s only by doing some honest thinking about yourself and your situation that can lead you to stop playing the If Only game and work towards accepting/embracing what you have. What you have is a stepfamily which includes children and exspouses from previous relationships…and that’s just the beginning.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
June 2010
Tags: acceptance of situation, accepting reality, avoiding divorce, boundary conflicts, conflicts that lead to divorce, exspouses, If Only, important questions to ask, intimacy in stepcoupling, maturity and patience, resilience, stepparenting and intimacy, Susan Wisdom
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May 25th, 2010
We hadn’t been married long when we were invited to a party given by my husband’s old friends. Almost immediately this woman made a fast beeline for me! In a loud voice she asked, “Susan, how’s it going with your new family?” “OK,” I said. She probed deeper… definitely fishing for gossip. She asked me detailed questions about the kids, the ex, what it’s REALLY like… Slowly I crumbled under the pressure. I admitted, “It’s difficult.” She poked around further. I told her way too much! Her parting shot was, “Susan, I don’t understand why you’re having trouble. They’re just kids!” With trembling lip, I found the nearest exit and burst into tears.
SO WHAT HAPPENED HERE? Why did I feel so alone… and misunderstood? Sure, I was in love. But I was also naïve and idealistic… and LOST. I didn’t know what my role was. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be, think, or feel. I hardly knew my stepkids…and yet I was supposed to raise them. Just because I had authority over my kids… didn’t give me authority over his kids.
This is where the rubber hits the road for stepcouples! It was time for us to blaze our own trail… chart a new course that would work for us and our stepfamily. We had to redistribute the power and authority to share appropriately as a stepcouple.
It’s a process… a stepcoupling process… and everyone does it differently.
Stepcouples have to respect the past, but focus on the present and future.
HOW IS THIS DONE?
As a stepcouple, you create a team. You talk… you listen… and HEAR what the other has to say. You talk about goals and values. By being open, you learn from each other. You’re both motivated and responsible to look at the part you play as well as the part your partner plays. As partners, you help each other move into a better pattern of communication and co-parenting. Patience and mutual understanding is key.
As a stepcouple, you respect each other and are curious about your partner’s feelings and opinions. Over time as you get used to each other, you notice slowly that you can be honest. You can be who you are and safely say what you want. You develop a connection, one you can both trust. Habits, laughter, activities, rituals and intimacy are mutually enjoyed.
As a stepcouple, you learn to co-parent by respecting and negotiating each other’s parenting values and styles. You build healthy relationships with each other’s kids as a basis for co-parenting.
All this time you’re building your relationship. Sometimes you argue. Sometimes it’s painful. When stuff comes up, you deal with it. As you both mature in your stepcouple, the defensive walls slowly come down.
When I look back and think of that horrible night with the woman at the party, I shiver. We had a long way to go back then! Somehow we traveled the journey… one day at a time.
It’s all in the process of stepcoupling.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
May 2010
Tags: authority as stepmother, avoiding stepcouple divorce, building strong relationships, communication and respect, developmental journey as stepcouple, marriage failure, patience/understanding as stepcouple, stepcoupling, Susan Wisdom
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May 10th, 2010
Last week I spent four days in the Bay Area at my high school reunion. What a trip!! My school was a small girls school with 45 graduating in our class. Six have passed away. Twenty-two of us showed up. There was one formal event but many opportunities to be with our close friends over the weekend. It was exhausting!!
Off the plane, a friend met me. We drove to her gorgeous home in Berkeley. Beautiful day. There were seven of us at lunch. Didn’t take long to flashback to what seemed like just yesterday. So many memories! The words most heard were “Do you remember…? Recalling people, places and events was the deal. Revisiting the past and reconnecting with old friends… we never let up!
Those high school years were powerful times. As young girls, we spent all our time together. (No boys to distract us.) We competed with each other, got into trouble, and laughed our way through the boredom. We got drunk for the first time together, slept over at each others’ houses, drove in each others’ family cars… studied hard and played hard. Then we graduated and dispersed.
What I remember the most was spending the night at my friends’ houses. I got the dubious prize for having slept overnight at the most houses during those years. Apparently I was not happy at home.
I must have been a budding family therapist way back then because I can remember everything about my friends’ families… to this day. I can describe their houses, the people living there and how they acted as a family. I can tell you who the nice mothers were and who you wanted to stay away from… who drank too much… what the fathers were like… who asked too many questions – who you just didn’t feel good/safe around.
Some vivid memories with valuable lessons were:
- Sally’s family was my favorite. Good people – warm, friendly, always made me feel comfortable. Mealtimes at her house were just like the family TV shows we watched back then.
- Marsha’s mother drove me crazy. She always wanted to be our pal. She giggled with us and asked way too many questions. None of her business! Felt yucky… aka inappropriate boundaries
- Betsy’s mother had a serious drinking problem. That was embarrassing. Poor Betsy. We felt sorry for her.
- Fran’s mother was mean to her. She was also a terrible driver. You didn’t want to be in her car.
- I really liked Judy’s father because he helped me tell my parents that I wrecked the car. He also told my parents that he found a cheap door to replace the wrecked one. He was great!
- There was only one stepfamily in the group. Nice people who were doing just fine… so it seemed from the outside. (What did we know back then?)
As I said… this was a very long time ago. We were sheltered, young and naïve.
It’s a different culture today. Regardless of culture, the truth is that today’s stories form tomorrow’s memories.
What will your kids and their friends say about you and your family at their class reunions? What stories will they tell? Think about both the good… and the not so good. You can then talk about it as a stepcouple, if it’s appropriate.
(Names and details in this story have been changed to protect privacy.)
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
May 2010
Tags: class reunion, different culture today, families then and now, friendship, growing up in Berkeley, high school memories, making memories, significance of memories, stepcoupling, stepmoms raising children, stepmothers, Susan Wisdom
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April 29th, 2010
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. As always we had the kids and grandchildren over for dinner. This birthday party was particularly nice. Beautiful day. Potluck so everyone brought goodies. It was peaceful and fun – no fights or hurt feelings. (This may be a first!) Grandkids played with their cousins. The ADULTS…where did the time go!??… sat around, talked about the news, their kids, etc… We joked about family memories we can laugh about now.
It has not always been that way. Like any stepcouple and stepfamily, we had to get here. The only way we made it was by facing our issues and fighting hard to resolve them.
What I’m talking about are those Unresolved Emotional Issues (a.k.a. baggage) that we grew up with and held on to through adolescence and into adulthood. (By the way, it never goes away completely!) The powerful effects of our UEI’s are experienced and played out in our relationships. Their demons come around when we’re in an emotional conflict of some sort. They write the scripts for the roles we play and positions we take. Without even knowing it, our demons rule us – unless or until we address them and change the script.
I grew up with a terrible inferiority complex. In my family of origin, I was never good enough… or even good at all… so I thought. I married young and impulsively. My husband left with me with two kids to raise. After my divorce, I was more sure than ever that I was worthless and unlovable.
I turned right around and married a man with kids who needed to be cared for and raised… by someone.
As a stepcouple, this is where the work on the Unresolved Emotional Issues began. In the beginning of my remarriage, I was completely out of my element. The kids were killing me. I was a failure. I should have never taken this on! Losing the battle, losing control, I WAS ANGRY. Angry at myself, angry at my parents for not raising me better, angry at both our exes, and angry at the kids… blah, blah, blah
On the other hand I loved this man and he loved me back! That alone was the medicine I needed. It was time for me to grow up and take responsibility, rather than blaming others, for my UEI’s… and the power they had over me.
As a stepcouple, my husband and I trusted each other. We were a team. We took it one day at a time, facing what we had to face. Individually and mutually, we dealt with our issues as they came up. We saw a counselor who helped us pinpoint our issues and guide us in the right direction.
This is a developmental process. It can happen only if/when you’re ready to become consciously aware of yourself, including understanding your UEI’s and how they drive you. When you’re ready to understand and address those issues, they no longer hold the power to rule as before. The journey to heal and move on begins here.
I was ready… so was he. We had a job to do which was raising five kids. As I moved into the position of wife, mother and stepmother, I gained confidence. I was finally growing up.
As our stepfamily celebrated Sunday, I was proud and happy. Our kids are married and have families of their own. They have their kids to raise and hurdles to overcome, I’m sure… just as we did. But that’s not my business. I’m off duty now!
Some guidelines to think about when you want to understand and communicate with your partner better. (It’s always a good idea to think before you spout! It’s helpful to keep a journal too.)
As a stepcouple, what do you need? What does your partner need? What are your stepcoupling issues?
In the meantime …
- Take an honest look at who you are and what your UEIs are. (Unresolved Emotional Issues) How do those issues play out in your relationships with your partner, your kids… stepkids…others?
- Ask yourself what you want in your stepcouple relationship. What are you willing to give and receive from your partner?
- Look for familiar patterns that get in the way of your happiness and fulfillment.
- Develop the art of self-awareness and communication. Be willing to talk with, listen to and hear your partner. Be curious and respectful with each other.
- Do you know how to please your partner? Does he know what pleases you?
- Does your partner bring out the best…or the worst… in you?
- How do you handle conflict? Are your styles similar or different from each other? Does that cause problems? What about parenting styles?
For more info about unresolved emotional issues and how they play out in stepcoupling, I suggest that you read Chapter 7 of my book, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family. Three Rivers Press, 2002. It’s available on Amazon.com.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
Tags: baggage from past, blended family conflicts, child rearing as stepcouple, children growing up in blended families, communication as a stepcouple, curiosity and respect in stepcouple, dealing with exes, family of origin issues, marriage as first priority, self-awareness, stepcoupling, stepfamily journey, Susan Wisdom, Unresolved Emotional Issues in stepcoupling
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April 19th, 2010
Have you ever been in a store and seen an outfit that you just have to have. It’s sexy, gorgeous, your favorite color… and perfect for the party this weekend. You want to be a knockout! You try it on. It’s not a perfect fit and it’s really not your style. You buy it anyway because this strong feeling makes you do it. You ignore the voice that says “Don’t… it’s not you!”
We all do this. I can’t you tell how many outfits, pieces of jewelry, shoes, and junk I bought impulsively because I thought I wanted them. Only to find out later I was dead wrong.
It isn’t so bad if you can bag up those mistakes and donate them to your favorite charity or sell them at a garage sale. But what if you impulsively pick a person to fall in love with. Like any impulsive attraction, it feels good. We all know the seductive quality of thinking you’re falling in love. You just have to have him. It happens most when you’re lonely… and he’s available. He’s handsome, has a job, money, etc. Oh, and by the way, he has kids from his previous relationship. You brush that off and convince yourself it’ll be fine. You can handle it. You seal the deal and partner up!
You may be lucky enough to grow nicely into this impulsive find and even love him. The very lucky ones adjust to each other, to each other’s kids, exes, and do fine. I assure you, it happens.
But many don’t. Impulsive partnerships often end badly. They can be avoided by honest self-awareness of who you are and what you want. Be a smart shopper! It’s your life… so think about what kind of person you want to be with. Prioritizing your wishes will help you avoid impulsive picks. Be conscious and alert in social situations when temptation is all around. Always ask yourself – what’s right for you, what fits and what doesn’t. Know your strengths and weaknesses, so you don’t set yourself up for failure. With people you’re attracted to and tempted to take it further, do a reality check! Who is he, who are you… and what chance do you have to build a good relationship together. Those questions may stir up concerns that can save you from disaster down the road.
You should be looking for red flags and signs of warnings to stay away. If the list of negatives is too long and the red flags are waving, ask yourself, “Should I pass on this one?” Trust your instincts. Before pledging your love, be honest with yourself… when you still can be. Get some distance. Take your time. Visualize and imagine what it would be like being a stepmom to his kids. Do you know what broke up his first marriage? What is the custody/visitation arrangement with the ex?
You may think this is a whole lot of roadblocks to the natural process of falling in love… and accepting that romantic proposal. You’re right. But this processing is the best tool against impulsive choices. (It’s best, of course, if both people are forthright and honest and willing to ask the tough questions.)
If your feelings for each other are healthy and strong, and if you’re up to the challenges of stepcoupling, you can consciously rather than impulsively make the decision to go for it… and stay in it for the long haul.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
April 2010
Coming next:
For stepcouples who are struggling, I’ll offer some ideas on how to address the issues and questions for both partners to think about. For example, what were you thinking then? And now? How far apart are you? What would it take for both of you to mend the rift? And what are you willing to ask of yourself and of your partner?
Tags: avoiding marriage failure, choosing a partner impulsively, choosing poorly, choosing well, decision making, divorce, falling in love, lucky ones, remarriage, stepcouple partnerships, stepcoupling, stepdads, stepmoms, Susan Wisdom
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