I have been the leader of an on-line group of stepmoms supporting each other for a year and a half. There are a lot of women in our group and I needed help – I now am part of a TEAM of leaders/ admins, encouragers and shoulders to cry on. Over my many years of experience as a stepmom, and after being part of this amazing and powerful group of stepmoms I am gathering some of their best advice offered about how to handle being a stepmom on Father’s Day and how best to make his day as happy as possible.
Take his lead- That means don’t make everything your hill to die on. Sometimes we push our men to do more, fight harder, fight longer regarding big things- like custody/court battles, and little things – like paying little league fees and pushing back so the other home doesn’t get what appears to be the upper edge. Because ultimately, it’s not worth the battle, so take the wider lens view. Maybe even reframe it. It’s not a war. Maybe that’s why they back off. But trusting him to know what he wants and needs when he needs it regarding his kids is the biggest support you can offer him. (Meaghen)
Going with the flow- Roll with whatever comes your way, but still follow his lead. It is HIS day to decide what HE wants to do. It’s the tiny every day stuff instead of big plans blown, that matter. Attending sporting events every week, dinners together, homework. That is the fibre of life. Less disappointment occurs when you focus on that and not on the expectation of everything and everyone going according to THE PLAN. And expectation management is part of that- don’t set them or you up for everything being what you want it to be for the big day (whether that’s Thanksgiving, Christmas, Father’s Day and birthdays. (Shauna)
Missing his kids- Keep him busy, keep him close, love him harder and hug him longer. (Tracey)
To add to that, if you have kids together or he is a stepdad to your kids, then show him your appreciation or remind your kids about why he’s important. That may take a bit of the sting out but don’t expect that it should or will. If his or your father are around, it’s important to honour the grandads too. Or any of the strong men in his life that had a positive influence on him. If your spouse grew up in a stepfamily, recognition may be even more important.
Kids often forget what we think are important dates or special events- like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day or birthdays. I also forgot about that stuff when I was young. Young kids and young adults are typically self centred and don’t think beyond themselves. That comes with the territory. There are very few advertisements or reminders on gaming devices, phones or tablets. Typically those are reminders left to moms and early elementary art teachers. Having a punitive ex can make that situation worse if she’s bent on making Father’s Day an opportunity to play power and control games. Loyalty binds are not easy on him, and especially not easy for the kids. PS if he seems more grumpy, sad or on edge today- he might need a little extra grace, space and forgiveness.
And…if there is the space and the grace to make it happen..imagine what Father’s day would be like if your spouse and your ex (or his kids’ stepdad and him) could share some time together on Father’s Day?? Just imagine the possibilities for the kids!!! That may be an impossible aspiration..or maybe not.
I wish you a Father’s day filled with fun and laughter!
