"I found Stepcoupling to not only help me in blending two families together, but it HAS also helped me learn more about myself, where I am at, who I am, my expectations, etc. When I find myself at a loss for what to do...I bring that book out again." SS from Ohio
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July 21st, 2010
Too often, as a struggling stepparent, it’s easy to lose yourself in self-pity, resentment and jealousy—and, amid it all, forget what the kids are enduring.
Grappling with the separation of their biological parents—not to mention also adjusting to the idea that one or both parents now have new partners—is a devastating process for the children.
Yes, it is important that you focus on your new relationship, as a stepcouple, to provide a strong foundation for the whole stepfamily. But it is of equal importance that you maintain awareness and compassion for the kids, who must now suffer against the absence of a biological parent.
Rather than compete with the loyalty children can’t help but feel toward the now-absent bio-parent, strive to understand, with consciousness and empathy, its significance.
Children are naturally bonded to their biological parents—present or absent. Kids will protect their parents unconditionally and interminably, as if by instinct. Nonsensical as it may seem, this sort of loyalty only grows with the bio-parent’s absence.
Understand that this is natural. It can be easy to see this as unfair—after all, you’re the one who does all the work and provides the support. Still, the biological bond cannot be broken. All you can do is support the kids through the anger, sadness and confusion they’re bound to feel at the loss of a bio-parent.
How, specifically, can you do this? I encourage awareness of just how deep and powerful these losses are—think about the kids and, whenever possible, do what’s in their best interest. That will always serve you well.
Stepcoupling is all about keeping present and former relationships appropriately inclusive and alive for as long as is feasible and healthy, allowing the kids to make their own decision as they mature.
What relationships can you keep alive and well in your family, biological and otherwise?
I’ve posed the following questions for guidance:
- Do the children have access to their biological parents?
- Do they have permission to have a relationship with their absent biological parent without bias?
- What part do you play in making that happen? And what obstacles do you face?
- As a stepcouple, how do you encourage and support each other when frustration, resentment and anger take over?
Tags: biological parent/child bonds, helpful questions for stepparents, kids' natural loyalties, preserving first and second family bonds, remarried families, stepcoupling, stepfamily and stepcouple support, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
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July 13th, 2010
 As stepcouples, does it sometimes feel as though other so-called “normal” families are better off? Do you sometimes observe them and feel jealous of the way they appear to interact—to talk and play and laugh—so naturally and comfortably? And, as a result, does this comparison make you feel as though your stepfamily were somehow worse?
I used to watch “normal” families and conclude that they had no problems, and that because my stepfamily was “different,” we were the one with problems. Extended family gatherings gave me plenty of opportunity to envy “normal” families, which always left me feeling depressed, alone, and incompetent.
With few stepfamily models to learn from, we felt alone and uneasy in how to build our stepfamily. And comparing ours to “normal” families didn’t help. But, in time, I learned that there is no such thing as a family that is normal or perfect; that all families face their own unique set of challenges. Comparisons, of course, are only relative to who’s doing the comparing.
Today, now that our five children are grown, some with children of their own, I can look back and appreciate that, while our family has never been “normal,” it is pretty darned great. Life is a journey, after all—for all families. True: the stepcoupling and stepfamily journey is one of the most challenging. But it’s worth every bit of blood, sweat, and tears, no matter how “abnormal” and difficult it may seem.
As a stepcouple, can you and your partner think of activities, traditions, or experiences that you particularly cherish in your stepfamily? Anything that puts a smile on your face and makes you happy counts.
Susan Wisdom LPC
July 12, 2010
Please share your experiences and thoughts.
Tags: "normal" families vs. stepfamilies, rewards of stepcoupling, stepcouple challenges, stepcouple journey, stepcoupling, stepfamilies, stepparenting, Susan Wisdom
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May 25th, 2010
We hadn’t been married long when we were invited to a party given by my husband’s old friends. Almost immediately this woman made a fast beeline for me! In a loud voice she asked, “Susan, how’s it going with your new family?” “OK,” I said. She probed deeper… definitely fishing for gossip. She asked me detailed questions about the kids, the ex, what it’s REALLY like… Slowly I crumbled under the pressure. I admitted, “It’s difficult.” She poked around further. I told her way too much! Her parting shot was, “Susan, I don’t understand why you’re having trouble. They’re just kids!” With trembling lip, I found the nearest exit and burst into tears.
SO WHAT HAPPENED HERE? Why did I feel so alone… and misunderstood? Sure, I was in love. But I was also naïve and idealistic… and LOST. I didn’t know what my role was. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be, think, or feel. I hardly knew my stepkids…and yet I was supposed to raise them. Just because I had authority over my kids… didn’t give me authority over his kids.
This is where the rubber hits the road for stepcouples! It was time for us to blaze our own trail… chart a new course that would work for us and our stepfamily. We had to redistribute the power and authority to share appropriately as a stepcouple.
It’s a process… a stepcoupling process… and everyone does it differently.
Stepcouples have to respect the past, but focus on the present and future.
HOW IS THIS DONE?
As a stepcouple, you create a team. You talk… you listen… and HEAR what the other has to say. You talk about goals and values. By being open, you learn from each other. You’re both motivated and responsible to look at the part you play as well as the part your partner plays. As partners, you help each other move into a better pattern of communication and co-parenting. Patience and mutual understanding is key.
As a stepcouple, you respect each other and are curious about your partner’s feelings and opinions. Over time as you get used to each other, you notice slowly that you can be honest. You can be who you are and safely say what you want. You develop a connection, one you can both trust. Habits, laughter, activities, rituals and intimacy are mutually enjoyed.
As a stepcouple, you learn to co-parent by respecting and negotiating each other’s parenting values and styles. You build healthy relationships with each other’s kids as a basis for co-parenting.
All this time you’re building your relationship. Sometimes you argue. Sometimes it’s painful. When stuff comes up, you deal with it. As you both mature in your stepcouple, the defensive walls slowly come down.
When I look back and think of that horrible night with the woman at the party, I shiver. We had a long way to go back then! Somehow we traveled the journey… one day at a time.
It’s all in the process of stepcoupling.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
May 2010
Tags: authority as stepmother, avoiding stepcouple divorce, building strong relationships, communication and respect, developmental journey as stepcouple, marriage failure, patience/understanding as stepcouple, stepcoupling, Susan Wisdom
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May 10th, 2010
Last week I spent four days in the Bay Area at my high school reunion. What a trip!! My school was a small girls school with 45 graduating in our class. Six have passed away. Twenty-two of us showed up. There was one formal event but many opportunities to be with our close friends over the weekend. It was exhausting!!
Off the plane, a friend met me. We drove to her gorgeous home in Berkeley. Beautiful day. There were seven of us at lunch. Didn’t take long to flashback to what seemed like just yesterday. So many memories! The words most heard were “Do you remember…? Recalling people, places and events was the deal. Revisiting the past and reconnecting with old friends… we never let up!
Those high school years were powerful times. As young girls, we spent all our time together. (No boys to distract us.) We competed with each other, got into trouble, and laughed our way through the boredom. We got drunk for the first time together, slept over at each others’ houses, drove in each others’ family cars… studied hard and played hard. Then we graduated and dispersed.
What I remember the most was spending the night at my friends’ houses. I got the dubious prize for having slept overnight at the most houses during those years. Apparently I was not happy at home.
I must have been a budding family therapist way back then because I can remember everything about my friends’ families… to this day. I can describe their houses, the people living there and how they acted as a family. I can tell you who the nice mothers were and who you wanted to stay away from… who drank too much… what the fathers were like… who asked too many questions – who you just didn’t feel good/safe around.
Some vivid memories with valuable lessons were:
- Sally’s family was my favorite. Good people – warm, friendly, always made me feel comfortable. Mealtimes at her house were just like the family TV shows we watched back then.
- Marsha’s mother drove me crazy. She always wanted to be our pal. She giggled with us and asked way too many questions. None of her business! Felt yucky… aka inappropriate boundaries
- Betsy’s mother had a serious drinking problem. That was embarrassing. Poor Betsy. We felt sorry for her.
- Fran’s mother was mean to her. She was also a terrible driver. You didn’t want to be in her car.
- I really liked Judy’s father because he helped me tell my parents that I wrecked the car. He also told my parents that he found a cheap door to replace the wrecked one. He was great!
- There was only one stepfamily in the group. Nice people who were doing just fine… so it seemed from the outside. (What did we know back then?)
As I said… this was a very long time ago. We were sheltered, young and naïve.
It’s a different culture today. Regardless of culture, the truth is that today’s stories form tomorrow’s memories.
What will your kids and their friends say about you and your family at their class reunions? What stories will they tell? Think about both the good… and the not so good. You can then talk about it as a stepcouple, if it’s appropriate.
(Names and details in this story have been changed to protect privacy.)
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
May 2010
Tags: class reunion, different culture today, families then and now, friendship, growing up in Berkeley, high school memories, making memories, significance of memories, stepcoupling, stepmoms raising children, stepmothers, Susan Wisdom
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April 29th, 2010
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. As always we had the kids and grandchildren over for dinner. This birthday party was particularly nice. Beautiful day. Potluck so everyone brought goodies. It was peaceful and fun – no fights or hurt feelings. (This may be a first!) Grandkids played with their cousins. The ADULTS…where did the time go!??… sat around, talked about the news, their kids, etc… We joked about family memories we can laugh about now.
It has not always been that way. Like any stepcouple and stepfamily, we had to get here. The only way we made it was by facing our issues and fighting hard to resolve them.
What I’m talking about are those Unresolved Emotional Issues (a.k.a. baggage) that we grew up with and held on to through adolescence and into adulthood. (By the way, it never goes away completely!) The powerful effects of our UEI’s are experienced and played out in our relationships. Their demons come around when we’re in an emotional conflict of some sort. They write the scripts for the roles we play and positions we take. Without even knowing it, our demons rule us – unless or until we address them and change the script.
I grew up with a terrible inferiority complex. In my family of origin, I was never good enough… or even good at all… so I thought. I married young and impulsively. My husband left with me with two kids to raise. After my divorce, I was more sure than ever that I was worthless and unlovable.
I turned right around and married a man with kids who needed to be cared for and raised… by someone.
As a stepcouple, this is where the work on the Unresolved Emotional Issues began. In the beginning of my remarriage, I was completely out of my element. The kids were killing me. I was a failure. I should have never taken this on! Losing the battle, losing control, I WAS ANGRY. Angry at myself, angry at my parents for not raising me better, angry at both our exes, and angry at the kids… blah, blah, blah
On the other hand I loved this man and he loved me back! That alone was the medicine I needed. It was time for me to grow up and take responsibility, rather than blaming others, for my UEI’s… and the power they had over me.
As a stepcouple, my husband and I trusted each other. We were a team. We took it one day at a time, facing what we had to face. Individually and mutually, we dealt with our issues as they came up. We saw a counselor who helped us pinpoint our issues and guide us in the right direction.
This is a developmental process. It can happen only if/when you’re ready to become consciously aware of yourself, including understanding your UEI’s and how they drive you. When you’re ready to understand and address those issues, they no longer hold the power to rule as before. The journey to heal and move on begins here.
I was ready… so was he. We had a job to do which was raising five kids. As I moved into the position of wife, mother and stepmother, I gained confidence. I was finally growing up.
As our stepfamily celebrated Sunday, I was proud and happy. Our kids are married and have families of their own. They have their kids to raise and hurdles to overcome, I’m sure… just as we did. But that’s not my business. I’m off duty now!
Some guidelines to think about when you want to understand and communicate with your partner better. (It’s always a good idea to think before you spout! It’s helpful to keep a journal too.)
As a stepcouple, what do you need? What does your partner need? What are your stepcoupling issues?
In the meantime …
- Take an honest look at who you are and what your UEIs are. (Unresolved Emotional Issues) How do those issues play out in your relationships with your partner, your kids… stepkids…others?
- Ask yourself what you want in your stepcouple relationship. What are you willing to give and receive from your partner?
- Look for familiar patterns that get in the way of your happiness and fulfillment.
- Develop the art of self-awareness and communication. Be willing to talk with, listen to and hear your partner. Be curious and respectful with each other.
- Do you know how to please your partner? Does he know what pleases you?
- Does your partner bring out the best…or the worst… in you?
- How do you handle conflict? Are your styles similar or different from each other? Does that cause problems? What about parenting styles?
For more info about unresolved emotional issues and how they play out in stepcoupling, I suggest that you read Chapter 7 of my book, Stepcoupling: Creating and Sustaining a Strong Marriage in Today’s Blended Family. Three Rivers Press, 2002. It’s available on Amazon.com.
Susan Wisdom
Licensed Professional Counselor
Tags: baggage from past, blended family conflicts, child rearing as stepcouple, children growing up in blended families, communication as a stepcouple, curiosity and respect in stepcouple, dealing with exes, family of origin issues, marriage as first priority, self-awareness, stepcoupling, stepfamily journey, Susan Wisdom, Unresolved Emotional Issues in stepcoupling
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